Empty glass, full apology

FROM expressing shame to offers of dry-cleaning, there are rules red-wine spillers must follow.

THIS is a story about how one glass of red wine can ruin your day and sour relations between friends for months, or years, and what you can do to prevent that happening.

You've had a hard, stressful day at work, but agree at the last minute to meet some friends for a casual dinner (even though you'd much rather go home and sit motionless in front of the television). You secure a table at a busy no-bookings restaurant, drinks have arrived and dinner is on its way. Your mood lifts and you think,what a great idea this was and how much you're enjoying yourself. Then someone gesticulating wildly accidentally flicks a full glass of red wine (which for some reason is placed on the table to her left) directly into your lap.

What looked like a small amount of wine when it was in the glass suddenly feels like an entire oak cask of the stuff when you're wearing it. To make matters worse you're wearing light-coloured trousers -- and why not, they're in fashion and besides you need to break out of only ever wearing navy or charcoal grey to work -- and it looks like you have an incontinence problem. The wine has also found its way on to your expensive bag which you've miraculously managed to keep away from such incidents for about 10 years, as well as your custom-made suede shoes. And you don't even drink red wine, which is hardly the point but somehow it only serves to increase the gravity of the situation.

Worse still, the person who committed what you are now thinking must surely be an actual crime laughs it off and continues on with her anecdote. You use every available napkin on the table to soak up as much of it from your person as you can. Meanwhile, madam continues to brush off the incident much to the astonishment of the other people at the table as well as the waiter who has come to your aid. "Oh don't worry," she says, "it will wash out." Then, and this is where it gets difficult to remember exactly what was said because you are literally rope-able (in the sense that the only thing that can calm you is to be tied down with a rope), there is something uttered about soda water and the fact that there are worse things that can happen to you.

To be fair, yes, you could be hit by a bus. But this is dinner in a restaurant and short of dying from food poisoning there is actually not anything worse that can happen. OK, maybe the roof could cave in. When it comes to wine spilled into your lap, however trivial you think the incident is, here is the 10-point breakdown of what should have happened:

1. Drink is spilled.

2. The requisite shock, grief, embarrassment, shame and admission of guilt is expressed by the perpetrator. Typically this would consume about 10 seconds of time and effort.

3. Napkins are offered to help clean up. You don't have to help the victim clean him or herself, especially if the beverage has fallen into their swimsuit area.

4. An offer to pay for the dry-cleaning is proffered.

5. The offer is graciously acknowledged by the victim and politely refused

6. "Are you sure?"

7. "Yes, don't be silly, it will be fine."

8. "I feel terrible, I'm such a klutz."

9. "Oh it could have happened to anyone."

10. Replacement drink(s) are ordered and a semblance of calm is restored.

That's all it takes. I don't know anyone who has accepted the offer of dry cleaning reimbursement. The money is not the point. The offer is like a dance. It is offered, acknowledged and refused. Offering restitution is a way to make amends and until time travel is invented it is the universally accepted course of action in such a situation. I was once in a restaurant in New York and the man at the next table managed to spill soda water on me. Even he offered to pay for the dry-cleaning.

Offering to take care of the dry-cleaning also helps to diffuse a situation that could get ugly and is especially useful when you don't know the person whose day you have ruined.

It's an admission of guilt and admissions of guilt are hard to argue with. You can use the same tactic when it comes to road rage incidents. "I'm so sorry, I didn't see you, it was totally my fault."

As for my trousers, their usual colour was restored through normal washing. The bag suffered some minor internal damage and the shoes had seen better days anyway. Friendships, however, are far more valuable and this still has a way to go, although it's nothing an apology won't fix.

David Meagher is editor of The Australian's monthly WISH magazine