Melbourne is back better than ever after a rough trot

People enjoying the weather at St Kilda beach in Melbourne this year. Picture: NCA NewsWire / Daniel Pockett

Victoria: what a terrible place. The capital, Melbourne: what a dump. The people: don’t get me started. Terrible lefties, public service bludgers, the lot of them. The weather: miserable. The state government: socialist. The health system: a shambles. The Premier, Daniel Andrews: a dictator. The fact he is in power proves an absolute truth: the people of Victoria are beneath contempt. It is a rust bucket state, a basket case, a train wreck, and destined to fail.

If you’re even slightly nodding, then you might like to stop reading here. The above is sarcasm. I start the New Year determined to stand up for my state and all of its citizens. Hopefully this news won’t cause spontaneous combustion, but as the words go onto the page, a spectacle does arise - furious little red-faced explosions popping off all over the country.

Victoria is a glorious place. Our weather is superb: our climate is temperate, our heat is dry. Without humidity, every day is a good hair day.

We have four seasons, and the change of these is an absolute delight. Spring is heralded by bulbs, which poke through the earth like green fingers. For me, though, nothing beats the autumn colours. Victorians are understated and self-deprecating, we joke about the cold, and allow others to tease us about it mercilessly, but the truth is, winter is great. We love dressing up in warm clothes, and nothing beats an evening in front of a crackling fire.

Melbourne is a beautiful city. Well laid out in a grid, wide grand streets, sublime old buildings and sleek new ones too. Trams are plentiful, and free. This week, city workers started to return, and thanks to efforts by many, optimism and excitement is in the air.

Don’t just listen to me about how good Melbourne is though, the proof is in the pudding. We are growing like topsy, and have been for ages, despite the considerable efforts of our detractors. And at this point, I send a cheery hello to the shrill Sydney shock jocks, who tip scorn all over us at every opportunity. Of all the dogs they love to kick, we are their favourite.

A fact bomb: the City of Melbourne measures the greater Melbourne area as 9992.5sq km and in this area reside around five million people. The City of Sydney measures the greater Sydney area as 12,368.2sq km, with just over five million people.

If Melbourne measured itself the way Sydney did, then it would include Geelong, in the same way Sydney includes the heavily populated Central Coast. If apples were compared with apples, then Melbourne is already bigger than Sydney. Nevertheless, by 2026, even retaining its smaller footprint, Melbourne is forecast to overtake Sydney to become Australia’s most populous city.

Last year was a horror year, true. We suffered terribly. We bounced though, and in the September quarter, Melbourne had the highest jump in property prices in the past 20 years. Some people did leave the city, but the vast majority of these moved to locations in country Victoria – within easy reach of the city.

For Victoria, 2021 will be a better year again, if you believe the forecasts issued by Deloitte Access Economics. Our economic growth is expected to outstrip every other state. How can a failed socialist state achieve all this? Beats me, but the Premier might know; after all, he has been running the place since 2014. Perhaps the PM should give him a call, and ask him for a tip or two.

Speaking of Scott Morrison, he might like to spend a bit more time in Melbourne, once he is able. Last year he did a pretty good job of coming across as the Prime Minister for Sydney, and that will need to change, well before the next election.

It is not just Victorians who are sick of Morrison praising the “gold standard” of NSW and sledging every other state. The good people of Western Australia are fed up. Queenslanders too, are not interested in Morrison’s opinions on their Premier. In particular, he has no right to criticise any state leader for shutting their borders, while Australians overseas cannot get home due to national border closures and restrictions.

Unfortunately, 2020 was the year interstate rivalry turned nasty. Victorians found themselves at the bottom of the pile-on, alienated and despised. This year, we have regrouped. We have been to hell and back together and as a result the community is more united than I have ever seen it. The sense of solidarity is palpable.

This energy will drive us forward. This decade will see the consolidation of Melbourne’s ascension. The economic, cultural and political implications will follow. The Coalition had better get with the program, pronto. And as for the state Liberals, someone please, call them a cab, and send them all home.