Marvellous Melbourne takes its medicine

When our troubles broke out, the naked glee was apparent. Why does everyone love to hate Melbourne?

MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA - NewsWire Photos JULY 9. Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews holds a press conference in Melbourne to discuss the latest covid-19 figures. Picture: NCA NewsWire / David Crosling

Greetings from behind the iron curtain. First, a warning; you must sanitise your hands after you touch this page because this column originates from a socialist leper colony — Victoria.

Thank goodness for the vociferous among us, who this week brought to national attention a few important facts. Victoria is a dreadful place. It has miserable winters, awful grey skies, it is a hideous city full of dreadful housing and ugly, culturally barren regions. There is absolutely nothing to do or see, and nowhere to go.

The people in Victoria are ghastly, too. Impolite, brash, unfriendly and ruthless — they don’t have any cultural interests, and all they talk about is property prices.

In addition, Victorians are dumb and spiteful. Importantly, when they voted for the Labor government, it wasn’t because the opposition presented no alternative. Instead, the voting patterns were a deliberate move, using advanced knowledge of this pandemic, with the intent of infecting the nation, and all done to annoy decent, hardworking media commentators, sabotage the national economy and cost taxpayers a fortune.

Now this plan has been revealed, every Victorian deserves the finger pointing, mockery, vitriol and scorn that is being heaped on them via mainstream and social media.

Sarcasm aside, it was a comfort this week to hear Scott Morrison speak. The Prime Minister cut through the baying mob with maturity to say something decent and helpful.

“We’re all Melburnians now when it comes to the challenges we face,” he said. “We’re all Victorians now because we’re all Australians and that’s where the challenge is right now.”

It was appreciated. So very much. So, too, were the kind words from television host Paul Murray on Sky News. In contrast to others on the network, who thundered from their pulpits with wild hyperbole and ridiculous condemnation, Murray promised not to mock, abuse and point fingers.

These, though, were lone voices. When our troubles broke out, in reporting and commentary the naked glee was apparent. This raises the question: why does everyone love to hate Melbourne? Why, when we have stumbled, are so many trying to kick us to the ground?

Some disclosure: I was born but not reared in Melbourne. I have lived in quite a few places in my time — reared overseas as a child, in Sydney, Brisbane, the Gold Coast, the Byron Bay region as well as regional Victoria. All of these were nice places to live, with their own distinct advantages. Having said that, I dream of the Adelaide Hills and the oceanic sunsets around Perth. The list of places I would like to live is endless.

Now, though, Melbourne is home, although we live on acreage on the outskirts. This is a nice place to live; chosen specifically for the high rainfall and four seasons — the ideal setting for a cool-climate garden.

I do wish, though, that before the move someone had warned me of the social disparagement that comes with Melbourne residency. Never before had I experienced the bewildering gibes, put-downs and rude comments about my choice of home town, and always by people who have never lived here.

You live in Melbourne, they ask with a raised brow or open contempt. What a dump. I could never live there. Isn’t it horrible and cold? Aren’t you worried about bushfires? What about the gangs? Your police force is a disgrace. How can you live with all the socialists? How is Chairman Dan? And on it goes.

This week, a meme sent from friends in regional NSW had a picture of two lions looking over a skyline. One says to the other: “That’s Melbourne, you must never go there, it’s a shithole.”

A shithole, Melbourne is not. In 2002, the Global Liveability Index began rating cities around the world as most liveable or the best to live in. Melbourne has achieved the No 1 ranking in 10 out of 18 years and has been ranked as the top Australian city every year. It is currently in second place to Vienna. Melbourne’s overall score last year was 98.4. It scored 100s for healthcare, education and infrastructure, and near-perfect scores for stability (95) and culture and environment (98.6).

There is a reason that until the pandemic hit, people from within our national border, as well as outside it, were flocking to Melbourne in record numbers. It is truly a great place to live, for many and various reasons. However, this should not cause the rest of the country discomfort. There are many great places to live in Australia, and we are all free to go and live anywhere we want.

As to the current situation, clearly Victorians are having a hard time. We are scared for ourselves and we feel terrible what we might have done to the rest of the country. Mistakes have been made and these mistakes have been admitted.

“I apologise for the position that we find ourselves in. I’m accountable as the leader of our state.” This was our Premier, Daniel Andrews, this week on the ABC.

To those infuriated by Labor’s success here, Victorians are not all socialists. After all, they voted for the Kennett government enthusiastically. It is just that the last Liberal government had all the presence of limp celery in the crisper and it was of less use.

Andrews is smart enough to not be seen in the media unless required, and when he does appear, he says his piece and disappears. People may not agree with everything he says or does, but things do get done at top speed. His frank style and brevity of appearance suits us all.

As to the anti-Melbourne sentiment that is thick in the air — people in Australia never openly punch down, only up. If Melbourne truly were a dreadful place, none of this stuff would be said. It had never occurred to me until now, but Melbourne is a tall poppy and we all know what happens to them. It is a shame things can’t be different.