Get back in the office: a work from work anthem

Hey you! You stuck at home – take a good look in the mirror.

It’s time to wake up and deliver.

You’re gonna throw away your shot, you’re gonna throw away your shot!

If you’re gonna sit at home and rot.

You really want to rise up? You want a good career, white collar?

Then you better wise up if you think you’re worth top dollar.

Walk out that door. Get back in the office. Go!

Your bosses not calling you in? Why not? You know. You know.

You know these bosses. They’re all disempowered,

Frightened by the flak if they demand you come back

That you work from work, you put in the hours.

They know the corporate culture’s dying, but they’re not really trying

To get you back to the office, help you rise, help the CBDs revitalise.

And why?

It’s because “emotional wellbeing” is weaponised.

CEO gets a doctor’s note – hey daddy-o it’s too much stress to work in the office.

So bosses bring in the expert advice. They’re drowning in advice, in opinion.

Perhaps they’ll just try to ask you nice, you minion?

The leaders are not leading. The thinkers are not thinking.

We’re heading to a model that is shrinking our intellectual endeavour,

Making it so hard to get clever, to rise up the ladder.
What’s even sadder

Kids straight out of college – young, scrappy and hungry with ambition.

They’ve never seen an office. How can they know what they are missing?

They’re being told “You work from home. We love you!”

But you learn from those above you.

Their mistakes, their big successes, how to manage up and down.

Building networks, teams and culture, maybe a night out on the town.

It’s all of that exposure that gives them their composure.

If you want to be in the room where it happens

Where your boss can turn around and pass you the baton

You gotta be in the office – that’s first base

They say: “You take the deal, see the client face-to-face.”

If you’re not there, white collars, you can bet that others overtake you, they’ll forsake you.

Your bosses with the dollars need to see you

How else d’you get devotion, the promotion or the bonus that is due you?

And to all feminists out there, let me check, are you really watching this slow train wreck?

Watch the women work from home, the men will go back first.

The men are in the room, the women come off worse.

Big Business – you want a thriving CBD? Equality, workplace safety

Why are your leaders down on one knee?

Let’s remember who is in charge.

Cut through the bullshit. Sort out your pitch.

The message is simple, the message is hot.

Tell them they’re going to throw away their shot!

And if that’s too blunt for 2022 then “woking” from home is the new true blue.

Let’s turn to this latest compromise between employers and workers in their enterprise.

Hybrid – you excited?

Some days at home, some days at work.

Hybrid is the destination. A relaxed and comfortable nation.

A three-day office week baked in, let us pray

The unions won’t cement it in the EBA

Question for all chiefs – is this the best that you can retrieve? Your hands are tied, your employees will leave.

Ticky Fullerton spins her view on returning to the office. Picture: Justin Lloyd.

The Great Resignation.

Can’t you hang on for immigration?

Open borders, workers just around the corner will change the labour market order, power your negotiation.

Yes we hear loud voices. This is the New Normal. No choices.

Going back’s impossible. Go three days max or you’re a fossil.

You got to dig the New Normal – transition, reposition, be agile and smile, digitisation, adaptation.

But who calls out the vested interests with other motivation?

To build this hybrid world?

Here’s a clue. You see it makes not one but two workplaces for every working boy and girl.

New computer, desk and chair, you need help from everywhere

You need the tech giants and the telcos, you worry about cyber

You should connect to their fibre, be a subscriber.

You want daytime water, gas, electricity

How happy the utilities – they service two offices at work and home.

Unfortunately, the costs for you have grown.

And business in the CBD needs help from management
consultancy

For a price they’ll transition you to hybrid life

And if it’s bad advice they’re not in strife

They’re management consultants! They’ll transition you all the way back with your Slack when the time is right – for another price.

What’s gone so wrong with this known unknown? Why can’t we all see?

How bad is working from home?

For you, for me, for productivity, for the economy, for humanity?

Where’s the collective conscience to rescue us from this nonsense?

Your conscience prick you? You looking in the mirror? You’re all you’ve got.

You must not throw away your shot

You must not throw away your shot.

The new NAB building in Bourke st Melbourne lies empty as people have not returned to work in the city. Picture: Alex Coppel.

Lockdown did weird things to human beings.

People staying in their jimjams eating lots of Tim Tams

People making lots of filo, stacking on the kilos

People getting fatter, bingeing on Emily in Paris and

Succession,

People getting thinner – too many home gym sessions

Dropping in size on account of all that “free time” for extra exercise.

Oh so you bought a canine to keep you sane?

A labradoodle, a cavoodle, a spoodle, a groodle to help you doodle

And so you remain

Working from home to give the dog a bone ‘cos you can’t leave the dog alone,

No worries! Work can get you on the phone.

Tragically you are not alone,

But it’s not good what you just did. Hey, a dog’s for life not for Covid!

You think the Bunnings man, the girl at the checkout,

The hi-vis roadworkers fixing the roundabout

Can say – oh I’m not coming in today.

You think the wharfies, all the tradies have that luxury?

You think the factory workers on minimum wages, the actors on stages work from home?

For you white collar, all the world’s a lounge room, with a bit of help from Teams and Zoom.

You think the cops, the docs and nurses, the truckies driving through the night

Can say yeah-nah …

Newsflash – working from home is not a human right.

What’s that you say? People power! Why should you brave the rush hour?

Why shouldn’t you decide when to switch on and participate and when to take a bike ride with your mate?

So you want to come in two, three days a week, why thank you SO MUCH!

How kind, you think, to stay in touch with the team at work.

Spare a thought for the middle manager. You are driving him berserk.

Working from work, poor sod, trying to track you down on his tod

It’s a workday. And somehow you are MIA.

Should you care, you worker out there who can highlight her hair when it suits her.

When? Tuesday at 10? See you then:)

The surf is up, the Central Coast beckons. You’ll get the work done. Is that what you reckon?

Wait! You’ll come in for three days? Which days, you say? Ah – not Monday or Friday, please.

You can work those days from home with ease.

The long weekend! It’s the new disease.

You say at home you’re working longer, your output stronger.

You’re working your commute. That’s cute.

Maybe. If true, congratulations to you! What a hothouse of productivity

But there’s no accountability, unless you want your boss to check with CCTV?

You really think you earn your wage?

Newsflash – working from home is not a human right. Picture: Supplied

I say WTF to WFH.

Earth to chief executives – shout it from the rooftop.

Come back to work, white collar, the masks are off.

You want to rise up?

It’s time to take a shot!