Five ways to have a healthy disagreement

Keeping the peace at all costs is not how we learn and grow. Expecting others to uncritically ­accept our projections is juvenile.Picture: istock

As we plunge deeper into the festive season, I am once again ­reminded that healthy disagreement is a dying art and that my small talk is shameful. The ability to entertain another’s point of view is something I can usually do, but the ability to feign interest at Christmas lunches often escapes me. People seem happy to have it out in the comments section on Instagram but rarely will they disagree with me in real life. I have just one neighbour who is up for an argument in good faith and I love her more for it. I think the lessons from her are worth sharing.

When entering an argument we have to be prepared to change our mind if a more compelling case is delivered. Or as my neighbour says, “until someone convinces me otherwise”. If we are immovable in our beliefs or ideas, if we are not genuinely prepared to consider an alternative, arguing is a pointless exercise.

● A healthy argument can never get personal. If you cannot come up with a rebuttal or counterargument beyond a personal attack then it’s no longer healthy disagreement. Arguments can be passionate and even a little heated, but they must remain focused on the integrity of the argument rather than character of the person. Great debaters are able to separate their feelings for the person and their feelings about the person’s opinion. We cannot automatically hate people we disagree with.

A healthy argument can never get personal. Picture: istock

By the same token, we cannot interpret disagreement as a personal attack. A fact may hurt our feelings, but this doesn’t make it wrong. I don’t like it when someone references research that suggests screen time is bad for children. It makes me uncomfortable because there are days when I’m sure we exceed screen time limits. I might try to argue that occasional screen time is OK. However, I realise my hurt feelings don’t invalidate the research. It also doesn’t mean I hate the person who told me about the research. If it’s an evidence-based fact then ultimately I must accept it. The truth hurts.

● Find middle ground. Arguments are often not arguments at all if you can engage the person in conversation long enough. So often we can meet in the middle, separated only by a few small technicalities but agreeing on the fundamentals.

● If you don’t know, you don’t know. If you are presented with an area of the discussion beyond your experience or expertise you must concede this. It is pointless to argue over unfamiliar territory. Take it on notice. Do more reading.

● Listen to the other person. Really listen, ask questions. A critical statement can always be reframed as genuine curiosity. If one person isn’t getting a fair hearing it’s not a healthy argument. Don’t talk over them, as difficult as that can be.

●Be charming about it. Disagreeing with someone can be good-natured, even entertaining. It’s often not hard to understand how people form certain views based on their place of work, cultural background or upbringing. Even if we do disagree, there is something to be said for feeling understood.

My neighbour is of a different generation and I take this into consideration when we disagree. We can’t help when we were born.

Not only can small talk be boring, avoiding contentious issues for fear of offending gets us nowhere. Letting people run away with a view we believe is misguided breeds resentment. If we send an idea out into the world it is fair game, we must be prepared for people to ­respectfully disagree.

Keeping the peace at all costs is not how we learn and grow. Expecting others to uncritically ­accept our projections is juvenile.

What is causing the decline of the healthy argument? Many argue it’s related to generally poorer social skills, but the data is mixed.

In 2020 the University of Ohio analysed data relating to the social skills of 80,000 children spanning more than three decades and detected no overall decline. The findings of a 1998 study that found an association between increased screen time and loneliness and depression was unable to be reproduced. It’s possible that increased autism diagnoses are able to be ­attributed to better methods of screening for what was always there.

The likelier culprit is an overall cognitive decline. Healthy debate around complex issues is an intellectual skill. The decline in academic results is reflected in our tendency to employ reductive reasoning or binary thinking to simplify an argument. If an argument has too many moving parts we abandon the whole picture and run with points that affirm our view. This is why arguments get so personal so quickly – in the absence of the ability to use higher level reasoning to interrogate the argument itself, we attack the character of the person delivering the argument. Dumbing down, polarisation, extremism and identity politics ensue.

A group of Swiss political scientists analysed the decline in the quality of parliamentary debate over immigration in the Swiss parliament over several decades up to 2014 and found that politicians were dumbing down debates intentionally to be more relatable to the masses. The report found that nuanced and considered debates led to better, more sustainable policy solutions but didn’t win elections because they frequently could not be understood by all.

Healthy disagreement is a lost art. Original artwork by Emilia Tororella.

Once we have generations growing up in cultures that fail to demonstrate intelligent and respectful arguments in public or private spaces, the skill is eroded. People can’t learn healthy conflict resolution if they rarely see it. The concern is that extremism and polarisation thrives in the absence of robust debate. This is the breeding ground of radicalisation. Shutting down student debate clubs has been a tool used internationally to stifle dissent. Debate is anathema to autocratic rule.

Disagreement can be a critical demonstration of tolerance for others. It is the freedom to say “no, I don’t agree”. It is to share the things that make us individuals.

Another factor contributing to the decline of healthy arguments is the modern ability to carefully curate our friendship circles and online spaces to include only those voices who agree with us. In years gone by many did not have the luxury of picking and choosing who they interacted with daily. People learned to tolerate the views of others. Having the argument and knowing where people stood was essential to cohesion. The breakdown of community means if someone disagrees with us we can simply resolve to never see them again.

Open-mindedness is a habit, so have the argument, be prepared to be proved wrong and remember your manners. It could be the most interesting conversation you have this Christmas.