Dear friends, our child is transgender...

A mother of a transgender adolescent shares the letter she sent her friends about her teenager’s journey.

Will plays guitar at his Sydney home. Picture: John Feder

Dear Friends,

Over the course of the last 2 years Katie has been experiencing gender dysphoria.

It has got to the point that if Katie doesn’t make the social transition to a boy it will be significantly more detrimental to her mental health (we have sought different opinions from respected people to get to understand it). A watch & wait process is no longer a viable option.

Whilst challenging, we have no choice but to own it, support him & do it well. We know this will be a collective family effort & our immediate family have been overwhelmingly incredible. We have watched many people in our family & wider community manage the cards they have been dealt with strength & forced acceptance & we aspire to be like them & hope to draw from their strength & yours.

The reason you are receiving this long email is that we want to explain our situation better than we can in person & value you as a potential positive support. As this news spreads around, we suspect Katie will experience kindness from some that we never expected it from and will be let down by others that we thought would understand. This would only come from a place of lack of education & knowledge, so we hope you can help spread a positive message & we intend to be compassionate to those who haven’t walked in our shoes & don’t understand.

• Katie asked the four of us to come up with a name. We have decided on Will, & in more formal situations William, together.

• Finding schooling we are learning is difficult. We are getting close.

• He was very scared about telling the wider family, let alone the community. He is incredibly honest & brave.

• Puberty has been distressing — he has to wear a binder and finds periods a constant hard reminder that he is a girl, & situations like swimming & using public toilets can be hard.

• Evidence shows that social transition is the best treatment for gender dysphoria. This means changing his name and using the right pronouns, dressing as a boy etc. Unfortunately, hiding gender-expansive traits will only cause worsting depression, anxiety & increased chance of suicide.

• He worries about happiness in his future as he feels concerned about being loved as a trans person & adult (outside of family of course!).

• He is very worried/sensitive about the impact on us and the wider family & this very fear is the reason for suppressed gender expression and has led to suicidal ideation & depression.

• Evidence shows that those with a supportive immediate & surrounding family have a much lower risk of depression/suicide & self-harm, & studies show that the more positive we are (& hopefully you are) in our collective strength of communicating it to the wider community, the better people will accept it & hence treat him.

• His older brother has support. He has found it weird/hard at times, but has spent enough time with Will to understand he has no choice & he has been a fantastic bro (fortunately they are very close).

• We are part of a parental support group & feel we are meeting couples like us who are experiencing this.

• Our goal is to have a more settled situation by Year 11.

• We have been through all the expected emotions and now totally accept and feel proud of our brave & honest son.

• We still love a good celebration & whilst we have been sad, our little family unit is happier & stronger than we ever have been (although I’m not going to lie, a good bottle of red wine together has been our friend at times).

• We have largely kept this private as we wanted to wait until Will felt comfortable for the information to be shared.

Understandably, it’s strange to comprehend but we have lived it and see the enormous pain Will has been through to get to this point. We can’t project to future fears or concerns of lost events, we just have to deal with one day at a time. I hope you can trust that we have been cautious in the medical/specialists’ opinions we have gathered and have had to remove a lot of our own bias and hopes that Katie would remain a girl. It is often assumed that transgender people might be “gay”, however TG sexuality is as unique as yours and ours. Gender is a different issue to sexuality & a lot of people don’t know their sexuality at 14yo but do know their gender identity from a young age. Unfortunately, the experts say that the chance of this being a phase in Will’s case is low. It’s been a steep learning curve.

Some other things we would like to say:

• We understand this is awkward, but we hope you can move past that & run towards us rather than away.

• Will needs love & acceptance more than ever.

• Will or William are his preferred names — just use which one you prefer.

• Don’t be scared of getting names or pronouns wrong. We do all the time. Will is fine with that. He just likes it if you try.

• By supporting Will you are increasing his probability of having a happy life so he can allow his personality & intellect to shine.

• Support him & praise him for his bravery, honesty & courage.

• Will is the same person, just a happier version who feels more peaceful & content as he can see a future aligned with how he feels inside.

It is hard for Will to look at photos of herself as a girl as she hates being seen as a girl. Will understands it can be hard for us to look at photos of her as a girl, because we miss our girl. But whilst we have lost our girl we have gained our boy. So it’s onwards & upwards as a new world opens up with our two boys for now. We will celebrate his courage & how brave he is & new found opportunities. Who knows, he may be the world’s best advocate in years to come for transgender people. We have been given this challenge because we are the right people to manage it. Please feel free to share this email with those in our community who will be a positive support for Will.

Thank you for your love & support & for spreading a positive message to your children & others who know our family. That’s the best way you can help William & us. xx