Andrew’s ‘poverty’ and Fergie’s tell-all takedown tales – what may happen to disgraced duo

Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor and Sarah Ferguson.

Disgraced royal Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor is living in “poverty-stricken exile”, royal author Robert Hardman has revealed.

I guess it all depends on your definition of poverty. As of writing, Mountbatten-Windsor remains holed up in his current digs, the Royal Lodge on the Windsor Estate.

The meagre 30-room mansion features a gothic saloon – whatever that is – and a single-storey building to one side where Mountbatten-Windsor’s now no-longer-required security detail would lay their heads in the wee hours.

Hardman described that a broke Mountbatten-Windsor will be unable to pay for the upkeep on his digs, despite reports the ex-Duke of York had previously weighed in £8.5m ($17.1m) for a reno some years ago. It may not have a new kitchen or one of those new fangled red-light saunas out the back but is it really poverty?

The word “exile”, too, seems an extreme term considering Mountbatten-Windsor remains in central London with a view of Windsor Castle out of his kitchen window and Buck Palace a 10-quid Uber away.

For those who came in late, the bullshit artist formerly known as Prince… Andrew has now lost his title with more shame and disgrace to come via the Epstein files. He and his wife, Sarah Ferguson, were besties with the convicted pedophile. Mountbatten-Windsor and Fergie were hanging with Epstein (so to speak) a lot longer than they had claimed in interviews too disastrous to mention here.

Andrew was kicked out of the Royal Lodge by his brother, King Charles. Picture: AFP

For his stunning incapacity for self-reflection, Mountbatten-Windsor has been sent to Coventry metaphorically speaking. He will take up residence in a cottage on the Windsor’s Sandringham Estate.

Now is probably a good time to point out the distinction between what mere mortals such as you and I envisage when we think of a cottage and what comes to mind when members of the House of Windsor furrow a brow and turn to visualisation. Long story short, the difference is about 20 rooms with servants’ quarters where we think the carport should go.

Thus, it is highly unlikely that Andrew will be seen looking like a latter-day Albert Steptoe sitting with his raggy cardigan, burning crumpets over an open fire before toddling off to bed in his two-up-one down living hell. All I’m saying is, it might be a little premature to send the ex-Duke of York a few bob on a GoFundMe. He should be OK.

It has been made abundantly clear that his ex-wife, Sarah Ferguson will not be joining him in sunny Sandringham. Put politely, Ferguson has either been told or gleaned that there is no room at the inn. It has come time, finally, for Sarah to cut the Windsor umbilical cord and all the cash and comforts, too.

According to royal watchers, Sarah is said to be deeply distressed, and “on edge”, bunkered down in her soon-to-be-former mansion, “surrounded by Amazon deliveries”. That’s quite an image. There is talk she will head to Portugal where one of her daughters lives and take up residence in a granny flat.

Portugal’s loss might be literature’s gain.

Sarah Ferguson could add to her arsenal of literature, such as Flora & Fern: Wonder in the Woods, with a tell-all book.

The cash-strapped auteur and divorcee is said to be contemplating writing a tell-all, reaching for buckets of ordure to pour on the Windsors from afar. The Windsors’ gravest fears could be realised if the woman who wrote about a cheerful, ethical helicopter has anything to type about it.

Fergie has authored more than 50 books, mostly children’s titles, presumably to keep her keyboard labours, known in the biz as “extent”, to a minimum. Sarah already had a book coming out, not so much a sordid who-did-what-to-whom but yet another vaguely derivative book for kids known as Flora & Fern: Kindness Along The Way.

On October 9 a press statement in a UK bookseller originally stated that the former Duchess of York was scheduled to release her latest book. Launch date was November 20.

However, in late October, the UK’s NielsenIQ BookData confirmed the book had been “withdrawn from sale” at the request of the publisher. On November 19, it was reported Flora & Fern: Kindness Along The Way had been pulped, and recycled, possibly turned into garden furniture and non-flushable baby wipes.

Happily, we can still read about Flora & Fern – two rabbits who live in a burrow, the older one a bit pushy, the other slightly obsequious, because the small herbivores have already graced our bookshelves. Flora & Fern: Wonder in the Woods was released last year just in time for Christmas. Alas, hopes of a series, possibly with an animated TV tie-in now appear doomed.

Book publishing can be a cruel business for scribblers. For me, a harsh reality appeared when I saw a large number of copies of the book I wrote with Richard Fidler – The Insider’s Guide to Power in Australia – sitting in a bin outside a bookstore with the anti-theft tags removed. There were no signs attached to the bargain bin, but the overall effect was one of ‘take as many as you can carry and we promise to look the other way’.

Weaker characters might find these challenging moments soul destroying while it is hoped a dedicated scribbler like Ferguson will shrug off the slings and arrows, emerge from her Amazon delivery box bunker determined to write that Windsor scandal sheet.

Likewise, the Windsors’ fears might be assuaged because Ferguson’s devastating takedown would spring forth in a 24-page, B5 300-word dissertation expressed by two cartoon bunnies.