Ten new things Gwyneth has taught us about her fabulous life
As she returns to acting, the queen of woo-woo, sexual health and mental healing has given a revealing interview. We have picked out the best bits.
It’s 17 years since Gwyneth Paltrow launched Goop as an email newsletter, urging us to “nourish the inner aspect”, which some of us didn’t know we had. It’s 11 years since she extolled the benefits of conscious uncoupling to a baffled world, who thought the end of her marriage to Chris Martin was called “a divorce”. And it’s five years since she launched a $120 scented candle called This Smells Like My Vagina. So many years of Gwyneth. So many years of woo-woo advice, some of which doesn’t seem so very woo-woo any more, apart from the inner aspects. And so many millions of dollars in revenue for Goop, the company we all laughed at for selling overpriced sex toys and jade yoni eggs we thought nobody wanted, except evidently they do.
Now 52 and facing perimenopause in a vast empty nest in California overlooking the ocean, La Paltrow is ready for her second act, or possibly fourth, or tenth. It can be hard to keep up. She’s on the cover of Vanity Fair looking absolutely incredible, promoting either herself or her new film, Marty Supreme, or possibly both, and talking about what her next few years will look like. If we don’t pay attention now we’ll regret it later, or at least miss out on some laughs, because what Paltrow says now might one day affect us all. So have you found your inner aspects? Are they plural, not singular? Have you set fire to her fragrant $120 vagina and, if not, what are you waiting for?
Here’s what we’ve learnt from her journey so far and it goes without saying that we are using the word “journey” seriously and devoutly, in the true Californian sense and without sniggering, you there at the back.
Curfew is 9pm sharp.
If you’re invited for dinner chez Gwyn, kick-off is about 6pm or 6.30pm, close of play 9pm. In case you haven’t fully understood or think you’re somehow exempt because you’ve flown in from London, consult her soft furnishings. She has a cushion embroidered with the words “Please leave by 9”. Now you know. Go.
Conscious uncoupling might not be such a woo-woo idea after all.
She’s ended up happily married to someone else. The father of her children, Martin, is happily in a relationship with someone else. Their two children appear to be happy and she recently wished a happy birthday “to the man that gave me these beautiful wonderful human beings”.
“It’s not quite brother,” she told Vanity Fair of her relationship with Martin, “but we are complete family. He is there for me through anything and vice versa.” Respect.
‘Sexual wellness is super important’
The idea seems to be that even uptight people might embrace their sexuality if she goes on about hers for long enough, and in the meantime she can sell millions of vibrators. And make all sorts of claims for a $100 jade yoni egg that she later had to retract, garnering acres of publicity along the way. “Harness the power of energy work, crystal healing,” the blurb reads today. “Insert the egg into your vagina and feel the connection with your body by squeezing and releasing the egg.” Or, I don’t know, put the bins out. Bringing her sexual wellness journey bang up to date, she tells VF that in her upcoming film with Timothee Chalamet, their characters have lots and lots of sex. “OK great,” she jokes. “I’m 109 years old. You’re 14.”
Reinventing yourself at 52 is a walk in the park
if you are beautiful, talented, get the Oscar win out of the way by the time you’re 26, have your first child when you’re 31, are rich enough to stop work while they are young, and clever enough to create a multimillion-dollar company once they aren’t. “I feel like it might just be that my role is to pave the way,” she tells VF. See? Easy. Watch and learn.
Always cook breakfast at weekends with your boyfriend
She cooks #boyfriendbreakfasts every weekend for the man who is now her second husband, Brad Falchuk. “Both of us relish the energy it brings to our relationship,” she has said, before adding a phrase of pure Gwyneth-ness. “Even when I’m not eating, I enjoy the act of cooking.” You see, “I’m not eating” is a perfectly normal thing to say when you’re Gwyneth but definitely not in a watching your weight, diety kind of way. When you’re Gwyneth, not eating is rebranded as intermittent fasting and sold as a lifestyle concept. Kudos.
#boyfriendbreakfast (2)
Paltrow thinks toad-in-the-hole is for breakfast. She makes hers in a frying pan with flax milk with added protein and paleo baking flour. Don’t all rush at once. Also, she serves it with over-easy eggs and slow-roasted cherry tomato confit. To recap: toad-in-the-hole, for breakfast, with eggs. That’s a lot to think about. Take your time. Don’t forget to put the bins out.
Guests should be offered three different types of milk
She stocks almond, hemp and macadamia but takes her own coffee with a splash of double cream. Answers on a postcard if you know what this tells us about the deliciousness of hemp milk versus cream.
Intimacy co-ordinators can be ‘very stifling’ if you are an ‘artist’
So should you find yourself, like Gwynnie, on a film set, it’s OK to tell the intimacy co-ordinator: “I think we’re good. You can step a little bit back.” And if you feel uncomfortable simulating sex with Chalamet – and, realistically, that may be quite a big “if” – then channel Gwyneth. “I was like, girl, I’m from the era where you get naked, you get in bed, the camera’s on.”
Building the perfect house is easy
One, make millions of dollars. Two, visit your dear friend Rob Lowe in Montecito. Three, buy your own plot of land in Montecito. Four, commission Roman and Williams, architects to the stars, to build it (“Gwyneth has a very refined palette”), then show it off over many pages of Architectural Digest. Sit back and watch the mortals’ jaws drop. Sell them stuff that looks a bit like yours.
Dressing for your day in court is both serious and an excellent opportunity to flog some Goop merch
Accused in 2023 of causing a ski crash in Utah, Gwyneth adopted a sober palette of tailored separates, cashmere and excellent coats, link in bio. Also, think unforgiving wire-framed glasses that say “This is serious and so am I.”
The Times
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