Feeling overwhelmed? Don’t trust your instincts about what to do next
Too often, people think the best thing to do is conserve their mental energy, and do less. That isn’t going to help.
“I feel so scattered,” explained my patient — let’s call her Ava — sitting on the sofa in my office.
Like many people, she felt overwhelmed by life. “I open my phone to check the weather but then a notification pops up about some infuriating political news so I check X, and then open Instagram, and then I get a message from my mum but before I reply, my friend sends me a link to a celebrity scandal, and I quickly check the status of my Amazon order. By the time I finally put my phone down and try to get back to work, I realise I never got around to checking the weather.”
Sound familiar? Every day, we are bombarded with too much information. Too many things to worry about. Too many interruptions. Too many obligations and demands. When you add them together, it is the perfect storm for feeling overwhelmed. We end up with diminished focus, heightened stress, fatigue, attentional issues, increased anxiety and overall damage to our relationships and quality of life.
Avoidance and withdrawal are the typical responses. In an effort to protect ourselves and conserve mental energy, we cancel plans with friends, we steer clear of challenges and we bury our noses in our phones. In other words, when we feel like there’s so much coming at us, the obvious reaction is to do less.
But what’s obvious isn’t necessarily best. In fact, reacting this way leaves us even more stressed, isolated and depleted.
It may sound counterintuitive but when feeling overwhelmed, the best thing you can do is exactly the opposite of what you feel like doing. Pulling into your shell, and taking on unchallenging, low-effort activities may appeal to our instinct for self-protection but don’t sustainably revitalise us.
So instead of retreating, reach out. Instead of crawling under the covers, connect with a friend. Instead of focusing on yourself and your feelings, do something for someone else. Instead of fixating on your vulnerabilities, think about what you have done and can do.
To help patients like Ava override the urge to shut down, I ask them to consider three grounding questions.
Which strength will I use?
Rather than dwelling on vulnerabilities and deficits, we work together to identify, amplify and apply their strengths. Some people think they don’t have the strength to pull themselves out of the mire — so I ask them to remember a time they worked through a tough challenge in the past.
Ava recounted a story from freshman year in college, when she was failing Biology and needed to ace the exam to pass. She enlisted a classmate to study with, meeting in the library before class in the morning and after dinner each night. They took turns teaching the material to each other. She rewrote her notes and made flashcards for every topic. It was an intense but ultimately successful strategy.
Talking about a time when she was at her best reminded Ava what she was capable of. She recognised how she had taken initiative, been creative and made decisive choices. Then she was ready to take strong, positive steps in the present. Recalling her past persistence, Ava decided to block internet access on her cellphone and to convince her partner to do the same. This simple act ultimately enabled her to replace cognitive chaos with cognitive calm. Taking charge helped her feel more in charge.
Whom will I reach out to?
While the temptation may be to go it alone, feeling supported and providing support to others are reliable ways to mitigate that sense of feeling overwhelmed. Feeling connected protects us by changing the way we respond to stress. Blood pressure reactivity is lower when people talk to a supportive friend, and difficult tasks are less physically and emotionally taxing when performed in the company of another. In one study, people even judged a hill to be less steep when accompanied by a friend.
Ava didn’t have a hill to climb but she did have a cluttered basement that needed cleaning out. She had started the daunting task on several occasions but would give up after an hour. It was too overwhelming. Asking for assistance was out of character but she finally turned to an old friend who, to her surprise, readily agreed. Not only did they get the job done, they shared many laughs as they sorted through old boxes and tagged items to be given away.
Ava was surprised when her friend thanked her for inviting her to help, but as Ava came to realise, doing good feels good. In the past, she had always said she was too busy to lend a hand. These days, she steps up.
What is my next step?
Rather than dwelling solely on emotions or thoughts, I encourage my patients to make a concrete plan of action. What do they plan to do tomorrow that will help them feel better? It is common knowledge that how you feel affects what you do; if you are in a bad mood, you are much more likely to lose your temper. Less obvious is that what you do shapes how you feel. When people seek out engaging, connecting and learning activities in their daily lives, they feel stronger and better equipped to handle the ups and downs.
With this in mind, create a list of activities that you find rewarding. Perhaps it is a walk in the park, reading a book, spending time on a hobby, or having coffee with a friend. Keep it simple and doable. Then schedule it. Keep track of how you felt before and after.
The choices we make daily can fortify us or leave us feeling even more overwhelmed. When we have a sense of agency — that we have a say in what happens to us and aren’t merely passive recipients of life’s curveballs — we’re better equipped to handle obstacles.
All too often we misjudge what will replenish us. Just because you feel like retreating and disconnecting doesn’t mean you should. The truth is that the last thing you feel like doing is often what will fortify you.
Dr Samantha Boardman is a clinical instructor in psychiatry and assistant attending physician at Weill-Cornell Medical College in New York. She is the author of “Everyday Vitality, Turning Stress Into Strength” and provides insight and advice on how to build vitality and boost resilience at The Dose.
The Wall Street Journal
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