Why small acts of affection may be the key to feeling more loved yourself
‘The love you take is equal to the love you make,’ The Beatles’ epigram reads. They were onto something: researchers have found people who frequently express love for others feel more loved.
It is 55 years since the Beatles concluded their swan song album Abbey Road with a wistful epigram: “And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.”
A team of researchers has now put the hypothesis to the test. Judging from their findings, Paul McCartney, who wrote those lyrics, was onto something.
The study tracked 52 volunteers, aged between 19 and 65, over four months. They were contacted by smartphone half a dozen times a day and asked to report whether they had expressed love – either romantic or platonic – since the last check-in.
This could include small acts of kindness such as spending time with someone, giving a gift, or using words to express affection. Participants were also asked: “How much do you feel loved right now?” and responded on a scale from 0, not at all, to 100, extremely. In addition, they were asked about their general happiness and whether they felt they were “flourishing”.
Over time, a pattern emerged. Those who had made the effort to express love more often subsequently tended to report feeling more loved themselves.
The opposite was not true, however. Simply basking in the affection of others did not make people more generous with their own expressions of love.
The researchers, Lindy Williams and Zita Oravecz of Pennsylvania State University, admitted being slightly wrong-footed by the data. They had expected a two-way relationship. “It was somewhat surprising to find that increases in feelings of being loved didn’t increase expressions of love over time,” they said.
Instead, the results suggested that some people were more comfortable receiving affection than offering it. According to the researchers, self-absorption might inhibit the impulse to reciprocate, leaving some content to enjoy the feeling of being loved without returning it in kind. Others might feel shy about confiding their feelings. As the French proverb puts it: “In love, there is always one who kisses and one who offers the cheek.”
There were broader psychological benefits, too. Participants who reported feeling more loved scored higher, on average, in terms of mental wellbeing. In an age of rising loneliness, the researchers suggested that encouraging people to show affection – perhaps through daily smartphone prompts – could offer a simple way to boost mental health.
Making people aware that you cared for them was, they suggested, “a skill that can be developed. With regular practice and heightened awareness … individuals can become more adept at receiving and expressing love, which in turn can cultivate stronger feelings of [being loved].”
The study, published in the journal PLOS One, was small and the results came with the usual caveats. As an observational study, it could not establish cause and effect.
But the message is likely to resonate: affection, it seems, is not a commodity to be hoarded, but something to be shared. Or, as the Beatles might have said, all you need is love, so long as you remember to give it away.
The Times
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