The Mocker drafts the speech King Charles III should have given to the Commonwealth Heads of Government meeting in Samoa.
Your Majesty, Secretary-General, presidents, prime ministers, ladies and gentlemen.
It gives me great pleasure to address this forum for the first time in my capacity as head of the Commonwealth. Believe me, there is nothing more stimulating in world affairs than mixing with the leaders of the world’s smallest and remotest nations.
But there is a sense of urgency in this gathering, and that concerns the threat of climate change. Prime Minister Feleti Teo of Tuvalu has pointed the finger at wealthy Commonwealth countries, saying their continuing to export fossil fuels amounts to a “death sentence” for his country.
You might say Mr Teo regards himself as the Pacific’s planetary conscience. As befitting his self-appointed role, he lambasts those who do not uphold the climatic ethics he preaches. For example, he has put Australia on notice, saying it is “highly morally obliged to ensure whatever action it takes does not compromise what it has provided in terms of climate impact”.
I sympathise with Mr Teo. His job is to harangue Australia and other wealthy nations into handing over hundreds of millions in foreign aid, which he does through performative catastrophising. But unfortunately for him and his fellow Pacific Islander leaders, many weary of this song and dance act. There are only so many times you can fool others into believing your country is about to disappear under the ocean, especially when, as in Tuvalu’s case, its land mass grew by nearly three year per cent in the period between 1971 and 2014.
But let us give credit where credit is due. Tuvalu has one of the lowest per capita rates of CO2 emissions in the world, the reason being it has the lowest GDP in the world. It produces virtually nothing. It is surrounded by billions of fish, yet it imports 80 per cent of its food. If Tuvalu sinks it will not be due to rising waters but instead the weight of the population, which has one of the highest obesity rates in the world.
Along with foreign aid, its main income is the remittance of Tuvaluan expatriates working in the same countries that Mr Teo castigates for their CO2-intensive industries. In short, Mr Teo’s histrionic remonstrances are a piss-take of Pacific proportions.
And that bring me to my next topic, that being the demand from African and Caribbean members of this forum that Britain pay reparations for the Atlantic slave trade. The Prime Minister of Britain, Sir Keir Starmer, has made it clear he will not agree to this. Neither will he apologise for Britain’s partaking in the slave trade.
That said, I can well understand why this is an opportune time for you to put your hand out. The reason for that is a British Labour MP by the name of David Lammy, who is of Guyanese heritage and a descendent of slaves. An activist who has long railed against racism, particularly the imaginary kind, he was vocal in supporting calls for reparations when in opposition.
The problem is he is now foreign secretary. He is obliged to support the government’s position on refusing to pay reparations, yet he has undermined his prime minister – and himself – by his contradictory outbursts. Consequently, the people of Britain have a lame duck as their chief diplomat.
Mind you, Sir Keith and the Labour Party also share responsibility for this debacle. It is by no means the first time a buffoon has been appointed to one of the Great Offices of State, but Mr Lammy’s dimwittedness is unsurpassed compared to that of previous ministers.
Allow me to give a few examples. His appearance on Celebrity Mastermind in 2009 is the humdinger of howlers. Question: What was the married name of scientist Marie and Pierre who won the Nobel Prize for their research into radiation? His answer: “Antoinette”. Question: Who succeeded Henry VIII? Answer: “Henry VII”. Question: Which fortress was built in the 1370s to defend one of the gates of Paris that was later used as a state prison by Cardinal Richelieu? Answer: Versailles.
It gets worse. Question: The ‘Rose Revolution’ of 2003 that led to the resignation of President Eduard Shevardnadze occurred in which country? Answer: “Yugoslavia”. For goodness sake, this man is the Foreign Secretary.
For a man who aspires to lead his party, his knowledge of British prime ministers is abysmal. During an interview with the BBC two years ago, it was put to him that Boris Johnson should not stand down when his leadership was needed to address he Ukraine crisis. His response?
“(Winston) Churchill replaced (Neville) Chamberlain just days before the Second World War, Lloyd George replaced (Herbert Henry) Asquith weeks into Somme, (Anthony) Eden lost his job during the Suez crisis,” he said. Good heavens. At this rate Mr Lammy will soon claim the British government’s decision in 2003 to invade Iraq was Margaret Thatcher’s biggest mistake.
So why am I telling you this, you ask? Simple – I wanted to let you know I am genuinely remorseful that Britain permitted slavery. Had we not allowed it, this nincompoop would never have been elevated to one of the highest offices in the land.
As for our paying reparations, I see that our new Secretary-General, Shirley Ayorkor Botchwey, supports this. I thank her for her helpful suggestion. It did cause me to ponder and reflect.
It also caused me to read extensively about African history, particularly that of West Africa. The pre-colonial Kingdom of Dahomey, which was built on conquest and slavery, makes for a fascinating study. It was notorious for the Annual Customs of Dahomey, which involved the ritual mass sacrifice of slaves, as recently as the eighteenth century.
I note too Ms Botchwey is also the Foreign Affairs Minister for Ghana, a country situated in West Africa. I am keen to learn what Ghana and other West African nations are doing to atone for the atrocities of their ancestors, and how much compensation they have paid thus far to the descendants of those murdered. Take your time, madam – you can brief us at our next meeting.
I also noted in my readings that slavery has existed for thousands of years in Africa and that it was ubiquitous on the continent. As such I am a little surprised that you call on Britain to apologise, given we were very much the Johnny-come-lately in this notorious practice. But if you want me to apologise, I shall do so.
I, Charles III, apologise for the fact that Britain culturally appropriated your ancient practice of slavery. Happy now?
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