The nightmare existence of AO boss Craig Tiley

Social media start Vanessa Sierra and tennis player Bernard Tomic in their hotel.

Craig Tiley is asleep under his desk. Purring like a kitten. Hugging his AO pillow. Having his favourite dream. The one in which Novak Djokovic wins the Australian Open and yet again dedicates a generous portion of his speech to telling everyone what a great bloke and operator the tournament director is. To be fair, the annual fawning from Djokovic is never completely without merit — under normal circumstances, say, when there’s no interference from a deadly global pandemic or Vanessa Sierra or Roberto Bautista Agut or the Spanish government, Tiley does indeed cobble together an Australian Open that ain’t half bad.

But now the Open boss is shifting in his slumber. The nightmares have begun. The first one’s so frightening it can’t possibly be real. Bernie Tomic is back. He’s playing the qualifying event at Abu Dhabi not longer after his debut on an adult website with his partner. Sierra. There’s a photograph doing the rounds of the X-rated lassie laying on her stomach, not wearing much — the poor dear seems to have misplaced her clothes. A bare-shirted Tomic is biting her backside, which is furnished only by a g-string skinnier than Tomic’s commitment to Davis Cup. Tomic has his lips to her bare buttocks while looking at the camera for a website called OnlyFans, which is pornographic in nature. If you have seen this image of Tomic and his lady friend, you may never unsee it.

I am haunted by it. Truly. I’m more haunted by this photo than the scene from The Exorcist in which Linda Blair’s head goes spinning round. I’m more haunted by Tomic’s OnlyFans foray than Janet Leigh’s shower scene in Psycho or the bit in Blair With Project when Heather finds Mike in the corner of the abandoned house. Sierra has posted a photo of it — the hide of that woman, the cheek of that bloke! — to drum up business via Instagram: “Oops I convinced Tomic to do something bad swipe up to see the video sorry mum.” For Tomic to go from his part-time porn star routine to qualifying again for the Open … only in Tiley’s most blood-curdling nightmares could it be true.

There’s more. COVID-19 means overseas players have to isolate for two weeks. They’re ok with that. They’ll be allowed to train. But when they get here, a couple of positive tests means 72 players have to enter hard lockdown. Players start whinging and moaning — a nightmare on the PR front. Spain’s Roberto Bautista Agut says it’s like being in prison. Naomi Osaka flaunts the relative freedoms of the superstars in Adelaide with a happy snap of the sort of training the less fortunate players cannot do in Melbourne. Djokovic says he’d prefer to have a private home with a court in the backyard if that’s ok with everyone. Spain’s Paula Badosa starts the week as a fierce critic of the measures. On Friday she tweets: “I have some bad news. Today I received a positive COVID-19 test result.” There’s a monster public backlash over so many players appearing spoilt and ungrateful to be allowed into Melbourne when a whole lot of Melburnians are forced to stay away. At least the Spanish government isn’t getting involved, eh? The Spanish government gets involved, saying lockdown is a serious threat to the physical and mental wellbeing of players. At least Ash Barty will never get into strife, eh? She goes shopping without a mask and has to dish up an apology. Again, only in Tiley’s worst nightmares would you think all this is possible … but it’s all happened just one week into a two-week lockdown.

And yet there’s hope. Because Tiley has so far managed to avoid the one absolute shocker of a scenario that may make him stay under his desk for good: positive tests among the superstars. All complications until now have been awkward and uncomforable — yet manageable. Because the lifeblood of the event, the big names, are fit and firing. When Badosa tested positive, it was of little consequence in the grand scheme of things. The world number 67 can be lived without. She’s a disposable player when it comes to the business of the Open. No disrespect is intended. It’s a fact that of the 256 singles players in Melbourne, about 240 of them are making up the numbers. They come and go in the first week without too many people realising. The big guns are the real show. The success of this Open will depend, as ever, on Djokovic, Rafael Nadal, Serena Williams, Barty and Nick Kyrgios. There’s barely enough cotton wool in Melbourne to ensure they get on to court. If any of these draw cards get wiped out by COVID-19 — that’s the real nightmare scenario for Tiley, the unmitigated disaster the event will struggle to recover from.

The hotel doors fly open on Friday. Players will escape their various forms of lockdown like Mel Gibson screaming for freedom in Braveheart. Sort of. It will still be carefully managed. The ATP Cup plus four tour events will be held at Melbourne Park before the Open starts. Some will be fitter than others. some will be fatter. No-one’s going to be properly prepared except for the pampered superstars and the Australians. Don’t begrudge Tiley for giving preferential treatment to the headline acts. If this was a Hollywood film set, they’d be in their own trailers. Extras just have to accept they’re extras. The Open is mired in difficulties but it never fails to entertain once the matches begin. I’ll be glued to Tomic’s first outing. It may last five sets or five minutes. I predict the latter. I think he’ll withdraw with an injury he blames on Tiley’s lockdown. Tomic has already bitten off more than he can chew. Only on an adult website does arse beat class.