The Mocker’s predictions for 2023: Jacinda Ardern ousted, voice defeat and a special cabinet reshuffle
In his final column for the year, The Mocker ponders what lies ahead in 2023.
January
The Third Test between Australia and South Africa begins in Sydney with the announcement that Australian captain Pat Cummins will address the crowd on the topics of Black Lives Matter and the importance of common folk relinquishing their use of fossil fuels. Play commences following afternoon drinks on Day Five.
February
Chair of the Australian Republic Movement Craig Foster defends his predecessor Peter FitzSimons over accusations he was a polarising figure who set back the republican cause decades. “I prefer to say that Peter had a certain passion for the cause, and that not everyone took to his enthusiasm,” he says. “But I’m confident that as a result of his efforts we will finally become a republic following the demise of King George VII.”
March
Barnaby Joyce announces he will challenge David Littleproud for the leadership of the Nationals and says he has learned the lessons of catering for both conservatives and moderates in the party. “For example, if we were to win government tomorrow, we will ensure that Australia immediately identifies as CO2-neutral,” he says.
April
ABC chair Ita Buttrose says the national broadcaster stands by besieged health reporter Dr Norman Swan. “I said before he was a treasure, and I maintain I was right,” she says. “On that note I encourage you to watch our latest production, ‘What Norman Swan got right about Covid-19’. It is the most informative 30 second documentary I have ever seen.”
May
Australian Rugby League Commission chair Peter V’landys announces that the sporting body incorporates enough special rounds and that its ability to endorse activist causes is limited. “We can only do so much, and what’s more we cannot allow ourselves to be distracted from our core purpose,” he says. “For those reasons, we have informed rugby league supporter groups that we must, regrettably, decline their request for a ‘Just Play Frigging Footy’ round.”
June
ABC managing director David Anderson announces plans for a dynamic new television chat show, ‘What Young People Want’, to be hosted by Fran Kelly, Quentin Dempster, Kerry O’Brien, and Barrie Cassidy.
July
On the eve of the referendum, Indigenous Australians Minister Linda Burney finally responds to demands she provide details on the proposed Indigenous voice to parliament. “I can inform you that the voice will inform parliament, and that its composition is informed to enable it to inform parliament, and that parliament will be better informed through being informed by the informed members of the voice,” she says. “If you have any more questions about the model, please direct them to Shaquille O’Neal.”
August
Following the defeat of the referendum, a sorrowful Patricia Karvelas tells RN Breakfast listeners that the loss will mean devastating consequences for communities close to her heart. “I have been to those places many times, and I can tell you they will be weeping, they will feel powerless at this lost opportunity for self-determination, and most of all they will be very angry their fellow Australians have done this to them,” she says. “Their grief is palpable, whether they be in Fitzroy, or Carlton, or South Melbourne, or St Kilda. And I reckon First Nations peoples would be upset too.”
September
Prime Minister Anthony Albanese denies that the latest cabinet reshuffle reflects the inability of minister Chris Bowen to curtail power prices or meet Australia’s emissions reduction target. “Chris has been doing a fantastic job in those portfolios, and he’ll continue to play a vital role in parliament as he formulates policy in that respect,” he says. “If you have an office in this building and the batteries in your air conditioner remote need replacing, Chris is your man.”
October
New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern concedes defeat to the National Party after Labour loses a record number of seats. In Australia, electoral pundits debate the reasons for her government’s ousting. Was it record inflation, or the impending recession, or the skyrocketing cost of living? Or was it the out-of-control youth crime problem, or the Three Waters and KiwiBuild debacles?
November
As the fallout from Jacinda Ardern’s election loss continues, ABC host Julia Baird makes waves when she asks the panel of The Drum why New Zealanders hate female leaders.
December
AA Batteries Minister Chris Bowen frantically denies he is responsible as reports emerge of MPs and staffers at Parliament House suffering heatstroke en masse. “This is directly linked to the Coalition’s decade of neglect and the Russian invasion of Ukraine,” he insists.
Merry Christmas, everyone. See you next year.
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