Newly-elected Labor leader Anthony Albanese’s speech to caucus which you never got to hear*:
Albanese: Friends, it is a privilege for me to address you as the federal leader of our beloved party, although I wish it were under happier circumstances. Before I do so, however, Bill has asked if he can have a couple of words.
Shorten: Thanks for the opportunity, Albo. Friends, as I was saying to our allies in the Construction Forestry Maritime Mining and Energy Union recently, there were powerful vested interests in the election campaign that worked against our party. We are talking power of biblical proportions, and it is thus appropriate I paraphrase the Book of Job when I talk of the corporate leviathans and financial behemoths that beset us.
Albanese: A pox on all leviathans and behemoths I say.
Shorten: Not all of them, Albo. In fact, the Hobbesian leviathan is very much in accordance with our ideology, particularly in respect to the ruler being responsible for the “prevention of discord”. I cite no less an authority than the Shadow Attorney-General.
Mark Dreyfus QC: Indeed. If I may quote Hobbes, the ruler “may judge what opinions and doctrines are averse, who shall be allowed to speak to multitudes, and who shall examine the doctrines of all books before they are published”. We discussed this last month when I announced a Labor Government would “beef-up” the Australian Human Rights Commission to counter hate speech. As I said a couple of years ago, “One of the things we’ll be looking at is this very point of whether or not we should set a standard about speech generally”. Hopefully we will succeed in doing what Stephen Conroy could not.
Albanese: Biblical monsters bad, Hobbesian monsters good, got it. Now, turning to …
Shorten: And friends, remember when the hate media was spreading rumours about my laying low and supposedly avoiding the tough interviews during the campaign? Contrary to those reports, I was fully prepared to answer questions about the cost of our climate policies, and I was in the process of crossing Sydney Harbour on my way to 2GB to be interviewed by Alan Jones. During my journey, however, I was suddenly swallowed by a giant whale. I spent three days in his belly and was later spat out on the shore.
Albanese: You must have left a bad taste in his mouth, Bill, but let’s just say he wasn’t the only one. Moving on …
Shorten: And I stood upon the sand of the sea, and saw a beast rise up out of the sea, having seven heads and ten horns, and upon his horns ten crowns, and upon his heads the name of blasphemy.
Albanese: Enough about Clive Palmer. First item, the shadow ministry. Now in the interests of diversity I’ve asked Ed, one of only two Muslims in our party’s representative body, to step aside for Kristina.
(Outcry)
Now hang on, hang on! Aside from making her NSW premier without her having to fight for it in an election first, aside from the fact we poured tens of thousands of dollars into her unsuccessful attempt at Bennelong, and aside from the fact that we got her into parliament by filling a Senate vacancy, what has the party ever done for Kristina?
Ed Husic: Good point, Albo. To add to that I say to her critics you must remember the hard work Kristina put in when she rode on the Bill bus. Spruiking tirelessly at every opportunity, she was the face of the party. Let me say as a voter I was left in no doubt about what a Shorten Government would look like and conduct itself.
Albanese: Well said, Ed. The media referred to our Kristina as an “attack dog”, and boy didn’t she take the fight up to them. Pursing her lips, screwing up her face, sneering at the camera while she dissed our opponents in that melodious American accent of hers — the public really warmed to her I felt.
Tanya, you’ll hang on to the education portfolio. You’ve had that since 2016, so feel free to tell us your priorities. Are we talking numeracy, literacy, or raising teaching standards?
Plibersek: Thanks, Albo. While those things are important, I just want to point out that a lot of schoolchildren sing our national anthem. As shadow education minister my number one priority is to call for a change to the lyrics of Advance Australia Fair, specifically by replacing the phrase “young and free” with “strong and free”.
Albanese: Excellent. What about teaching them climate change?
Plibersek: That’s high on the list. I’ll be attending the next climate change strike in the CBD — that is if I can find a bloody car park big enough to fit the Ford Territory.
Albanese: Parking those things is a bugger alright. Andrew, thanks for all your hard work as Shadow Assistant Treasurer. We’re going to give you a spell for a while.
Andrew Leigh: Is it because I’m factionally non-aligned?
Albanese: No, it’s because you’re factually non-aligned in that you can’t grasp the distinction between legal and beneficial ownership when it comes to shares, professor. Chris, you’ll be swapping Treasury for the health portfolio.
Chris Bowen: Not happy.
Albanese: Neither were the franking voters, pal. And just a bit of advice for your new portfolio should we get into government: if angry constituents tell you they’re not happy with your policies, don’t say “If you don’t like the state of our health system, don’t seek treatment there”. Got it?
Bowen: I would have had majority support in the actual caucus ballot for the leadership you know.
Albanese: Sure you would have, just like I’d be captaining the South Sydney Rabbitohs if I didn’t have this job. As for the time between you putting your hand up and the time you withdrew — that’s got to be quicker than Carl Scully’s pirouette in 2005 I reckon. Not as short as Mal Meninga’s foray into politics, but close.
Now, let me turn to Finance. That position requires someone with detailed knowledge of governance and expenditure on a federal scale. Accordingly, I’ve selected Katy Gallagher, who was both Chief Minister and Treasurer of the ACT Town Council and comes with impeccable qualifications. I quote from her resume, which for some reason seems to have since been deleted from the web, “As Treasurer I helped steer the ACT through the global financial crisis”. Welcome aboard, Katy.
Gallagher: Thank you.
Albanese: And just checking — you did repeal your British and Ecuadorean citizenships before you nominated this time?
Gallagher: Stop mansplaining me!
Albanese: The other agenda item is why we lost an unlosable election. Friends, like you I’m dumbfounded. Everyone else I talk to is dumbfounded. I’ve spoken to punters in Balmain, Leichhardt, and Newtown — I even plan to go as far as Marrickville tomorrow. But I will say this in the meantime: party cohesion and support for the leader are vital if we are to win the next election. Got that, Bill?
Shorten: Sorry Albo, what’s that?
Albanese: Are you with me on party cohesion and supporting the leader, Bill?
Shorten: I didn’t hear what you said, Albo, but let me say I support what it is you said.
Albanese: Didn’t we all wince at that one. Are you behind me 100 per cent?
Shorten: I’ll support you as much as you supported me, big fella. I was 100 per cent loyal to our last party leader.
Albanese: Without doubt you were, and as for Kevin and Julia, it’s fair to say you were mentioned in dispatches.
Friends, before I wrap up, I will say that we need to revise our policies following our defeat. We can’t keep talking about the past and our old traditions, because the world’s evolving. As I said the other day, “Ben Chifley spoke about the light on the hill. We need to power that up so that every Australian in every corner of this vast continent can see the light that we offer.”
Out with the old and in with the new is our philosophy now, friends. Let’s not pay heed to the negative ideologues and let’s focus on the way forward.
Husic: With you all the way, Albo! Will never forget your great address to the UK Labor Party this year: “I like fighting Tories. That’s what I do.” Stick it to them, mate!
Albanese: You betcha, Ed! Everyone, all together now:
When the union’s inspiration through the workers’ blood shall run
There can be no power greater anywhere beneath the sun
Yet what force on earth is weaker than the feeble strength of one
But the union makes us strong
Sol-idarity forever …
Jim Chalmers: (Sotto voce) Bide your time, Jimmy boy. Bide. Your. Time.
* according to The Mocker, who certainly can’t be taken seriously
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