The Mocker: Anthony Albanese despairs at negative reception to attacks on Peter Dutton, Coalition

Anthony Albanese goes on the attack during question time. Picture: CA NewsWire / Martin Ollman

Dear oh dear, this is utterly unfair and shameful. Despite the absolutely wonderful, unbelievably fantastic, and amazingly inspiring performance of Anthony Albanese since Labor assumed government, those nasty journalists are ganging up on the Prime Minister.

You know, just like they did to his predecessors Kevin Rudd and Julia Gillard. There really should be a law against this, I tell you.

That anyone could question Albanese’s competence astounds me. To paraphrase Harold Macmillan, we have never had it so good, aside from skyrocketing power bills, a cost-of-living calamity, rampant anti-Semitism, an endemic housing crisis, a slowing economy, rising inflation, a record number of Australians suffering mortgage stress, a return to protectionism, and a looming energy catastrophe. A doddle really.

Lamenting his lot on the Australian National University’s Democracy Sausage podcast last week, Albanese claimed he was being hounded by the “right-wing media”.

His critics were “more stenographers” than “actual journalists”, he insisted, and they were “a cheer squad” for Opposition Leader Peter Dutton. They were not interested in the Labor leader’s many great policy announcements, which they often failed to “follow up”.

It was a heartfelt outpouring of woe, or at least some thought so. “Rarely has a sitting prime minister been so frank,” marvelled Democracy Sausage interviewer and Director of the ANU’s Australian Studies Institute, Mark Kenny. Nothing spells out prime ministerial strength, leadership, and above all fortitude, like having a public sook over adverse media coverage.

Outraged by this blatant bias against Albanese and distraught at the blow to the great man’s ego, I have been pondering what I could do to counter this partisan commentary. After giving it much thought, I decided to be the Prime Minister’s stenographer.

Let’s begin with looking at what Albanese has said about his opponent since becoming Prime Minister. He will have you know the Opposition Leader is a very negative person, for example: “Peter Dutton can continue to wallow in his negativity; I think Australians will judge him for that”.

It is “just more nasty negativity from Peter Dutton,” he says. And not run-of-the-mill negativity, mind you. Rather, it is “nuclear level negativity”.

Every time Dutton opens his mouth it is “just more negativity and more angry rhetoric”. In fact he “is just full of relentless negativity”. He is “all negativity and zero plan”.

Even listening to Dutton is dangerous, says Albanese, for he is “trying to drag you into his politics of negativity and conflict”. As for whatever Dutton puts up in the way of policy, it is a “really negative plan”.

The PM has continued to attack Peter Dutton’s ‘negativity’. Picture: NCA NewsWire / Ben Clark

And if there is one thing Albanese cannot abide, it is negativity. “Peter Dutton … only has negativity to offer the Australian people,” he says. “He has just offered negativity and saying ‘no’.” When people listen to Dutton, “what they’ll see is just this wave of negativity and fear campaigns”. It is a case of “another day, another bit of negativity from Peter Dutton.”

The Opposition Leader is “a Tony Abbott tribute band” who “leads a really ordinary team,” adds Albanese. He “is arrogant, won’t listen, (and) has no sense of compassion about any issue”. He is “all trailer, no movie”.

Unlike Albanese, Dutton “always looks to divide”. The Opposition Leader represents a party “characterised by negativity, by what they’re against, by personal abuse”.

As the Prime Minister said in parliament, Dutton “gave us Jack Nicholson in The Shining – smashing through the walls, with his clear hatred – full of negativity”.

That is the Opposition Leader for you – but what about the Opposition? You guessed it. “The coalition of yesterday turned into no-alition of today, obsessed with their negativity,” says Albanese. “That’s all they do, that’s all they’ve got – negativity, conflict and division,” he added. “That’s why Australians are, I believe, tiring of the negativity of the Opposition.”

To overcome his negativity, Dutton should follow the example of Albanese, who, upon becoming Labor leader in 2019, declared he wanted to end “conflict fatigue”.

Here are just a few examples of his constructive criticism and eloquent words that followed regarding the former Coalition government and then prime minister Scott Morrison.

Mr Albanese said former PM Scott Morrison ‘loved his hi-vis vests’

The Labor leader in 2022.

Morrison, said the reinvented and refined Albanese, was the “muppet-in-chief”. He is “an empathy vacuum”. All he wants to do is “manufacture is photo opportunities for himself”. He is “less prime minister and more first mate”. He is an “angry man who has mastered the rare art of clenching a glass jaw”. He has a “heart of stone”.

Instead of being prime minister, Morrison “has been acting PM every day since 2018”. He “loves his high-vis (vests), but when it comes to delivering his promises, he is the invisible man”.

The appearance of Morrison on Zoom during parliamentary proceedings, said Albanese, was a case of “a virtual PM — from hollow man to hologram”. The display was “more promo than ScoMo,” he chortled. “His heart isn’t in the job — just his ego.”

During Covid, the government’s focus was “on stabbing, not jabbing,” said Albanese. “Once the Nikon stops clicking, the prime minister nicks off.”

Why does Morrison, Albanese asked, rhetorically, always go missing when leadership is required and never take responsibility for anything”. There “has never been a prime minister who has so weakened the federation,” he claimed. Remember the recession of 2020, brought on by lockdowns as directed by state premiers? That was the “Morrison Recession”, according to Albanese.

Morrison, “in his own smug mind, is Superman, for whom scrutiny is kryptonite”. He is also “shouty, belligerent and stubborn”. Unlike Albanese, Morrison was not devoted to the greater good. “All he understands is politics and he consistently acts in his own political interests rather than the national interest.”

The Morrison government was “Dud’s Army”, said Albanese. And do you know what was its biggest problem? Why, as Albanese said, they were “acting like an opposition in exile on the government benches”. Imagine that.

Addressing the Western Sydney Leadership Dialogue last week, Albanese warned yet again the Coalition is threatening the political tranquillity and respectful environment that he has ensured. “Looking for someone to blame is much simpler than finding a solution,” he said. “We saw it with Scott Morrison, we’re seeing it again with Peter Dutton. And Australians have worked too hard to be dragged back to the era of conflict fatigue.”

All hail Prime Minister Albanese, I say – the finder of solutions and he who never looks for someone to blame. “What I’m about is having a positive agenda for the country,” he says.

Indeed, Anthony Albanese, and we applaud you for emphasising the importance of positive energy. Never has a prime minister been so full of it.