You only serve twice

Anthony Albanese won’t be Labor leader at the next federal election, according to Sportsbet.

Will Anthony Albanese make it to Easter?

Anthony Albanese won’t be Labor leader at the next federal election, according to Sportsbet. The bookmaker’s online market has Albo losing the top job at $1.85, and seeing out his term at $1.90. “Australians love leadership spills, and we haven’t had one in a while. Twitter hashtags aside, it might be time for Albo to start doing the numbers,” Sportsbet.com.au’s Rich Hummerston suggested. Don’t worry, Rich, our sources say his friends (and enemies) already are. Former deputy Tanya Plibersek tops the list as the most likely contender on $1.95. She’s also the preferred pick of CFMEU national organiser Elizabeth Doidge, a close ally of Albanese’s arch-nemesis John Setka, after a poll found Labor is facing the loss of two seats in its Hunter Valley heartland. Queenslander Jim Chalmers is second favourite ($3.25), followed by current deputy Richard Marles ($5.50). Rounding out the usual spill suspects is Jason Clare ($7.50), Clare O’Neil ($10), Bill Shorten ($15), rogue Joel Fitzgibbon ($18) and Linda Burney ($21). Former leadership contender Chris Bowen will no doubt be disappointed to find himself outside the pack on $28, especially as newbie frontbencher Ed Husic is going for $24. There are longshot odds on Mark Butler ($31), Mark Dreyfus ($34), Anne Aly ($38), Michelle Rowland ($45), Catherine King ($51) and Tony Burke ($55). Anyone game could make a killing if Labor picks South Australian backbencher Tony Zappia ($81) to lead them to the next poll. We may get a glimpse of an alternative opposition leader in two weeks, if Albanese doesn’t get the sign off from his doctors to head back to the Canberra Bubble™. The party would also have to overturn its strict Killing Season rules in order to hold a vote before the election window (August 7, 2021 to May 21, 2022). Sportsbet have the Coalition with a $1.50 shot of retaining government, to Labor’s $2.50. That said, the bookies’ political predictions should be taken with a large grain of salt after they paid out early on Shorten winning the 2019 election on the advice of Sam Dastyari. A decision that cost $1.3m.

Love never dies

“I just had a bit of a chuckle by myself, frankly, and don’t take it all that seriously,” Albo said of whispers he may not make it past Easter. This comment on 4BC Radio won’t age well.

Q: “Do you think you’re living in a hotspot?”

Albo: “Well, I’m living in my own bubble, as they say about politicians sometimes.”

No one tell Novak Djokovic, but federal pollies from red zones will be able to skip the compulsory two-week iso when they return to the Canberra Bubble on Feb 2. If ACT Health accept their exemption applications, MPs will only be allowed in their accommodation and parliament.

Actually embarrassed to be a tennis player these days, if anyone asks i am a full time gardener and a cleaner on the weekends 🤫 #AO2021

— Arina Rodionova (@arinarodionova) January 18, 2021

Baby got backhand

Is Bill Shorten a Herbal Essences or Head and Shoulders man? “I washed my hair this morning,” the former Labor leader zinged, in reference to the girlfriend of world number 228 Bernard Tomic. Reality TV star and influencer Vanessa Sierra admitted: “This is the worst part of quarantine: I don’t wash my own hair. I’ve never washed my own hair. It’s just not something that I do. I normally have hairdressers that do it twice a week for me, so this is the situation that we’re dealing with.” Pray tell … what did the 26-year-old do during lockdown uno, when hairdressers were closed? Sierra claims her hairy confession has led to death threats from “class clowns on a witch hunt”. Unlike those in hard lockdown, vegan Tomic is allowed to train for the Australian Open. But according to Sierra, the couple spend 12 hours a day playing video games and ordering Uber Eats. Canberran Nick Kyrgios summed it up nicely: “Djokovic is a tool. I don’t mind Bernie but his Mrs obviously has no perspective, ridiculous scenes.”

Back to Bill. “Hey, listen, I hadn’t heard of this lady, Vanessa … but I Googled her and I’m not sure she gets COVID and how serious it is.” And what did Shorten find when he searched for Sierra? “She did get in trouble for wearing face masks as a bikini.” The Victorian thinks the “pampered sooks” need to “get a grip”. “COVID’s been shocking. People have died. People have lost their jobs. People haven‘t been able to go to the funerals of their loved ones,” he said. “They get paid a lot of money to come to the Australian Open.” On another note — kudos to the photoshop team at Nine’s Today show, who came up with the idea of sliding Shorten into the saucy tradies calendar made by Goulburn Valley Plaster Products in Shepparton. Shorten’s reaction? “Oh, let’s unsee that!”

Stitched up by Ch 9 @TheTodayShow producers, who inserted my head into the saucy tradie calendar - I’ll keep the abs though 😂 #auspol #keto #calendarready pic.twitter.com/sY7vJrTHF0

— Bill Shorten (@billshortenmp) January 18, 2021

Deuce ex machina

Scott Morrison has no plans to talk to Donald Trump before he reluctantly moves house. The Prime Minister is far too busy mopping up the mess made by All Autobahns Matter Michael McCormack during his week acting in the job. Specifically, the tenuous claim that tennis players were taking hotel quarantine spots from farm workers. “It doesn’t have to be a choice between the two,” the Prime Minister said. ”We’re a clever country and we can manage many things at once. And, you know, I think we can manage a tennis open and pick fruit. We should be able to do that.” Walk and chew gum? Surely not!

ScoMo feeds a lamb outside Quilpie, Queensland.

The fault in our stars

Aesthete warning: poetry fans may want to skip this tweet from the abacus sliders at the Australian Bureau of Statistics, marking the Jan 19 birth of Edgar Allan Poe. “Dreaming of stats, one day while napping, I heard at my window, a raven tapping. I wondered how many Aussies were born offshore? Quoth the Raven ‘one in four’. And how many were active in a volunteer corps? Quoth the Raven ‘one in four’. How many live in Victoria, I implore? Quoth the Raven ‘one in four’. And how many have a uni qualification in their drawer? Quoth the Raven ‘one in four’. And should statisticians write more poetry, heretofore? Quoth the Raven ‘Nevermore’.” Poe-lease, no more!

[e-mail]