Turnbull book: Thick and the dread

So, here we all sit, marvelling at Malcolm Turnbull’s new book, but not for its depth, oh no. For its width.

A small portion of the cover of the Turnbull tome.

So, here we all sit, marvelling at Malcolm Turnbull’s new book, but not for its depth, oh no. For its width.

Turn this baby on its side, truly, they could sell it by the metre. This book be chonk.

Some say it’s thicker, although probably not denser, than Kevin Rudd’s contribution, but come on, let’s be fair, that’s true if you’re looking only at the second of Kevin’s two volumes, The PM Years (or was it The AM Years? I forget).

Malcolm Turnbull and his wife, Lucy Turnbull. Picture: John Feder

But never mind the width, how is the depth?

Well, the common fault of Australians, Malcolm says, is their refusal to see the greatness in him (I’m paraphrasing, obviously). That said, he does throw off lines like: “Of the few billionaires I’ve known …”

The book is scarily accurate on Bill Shorten’s inability to connect, with Malcolm conceding that he would often gaze across the dispatch box to his sparring partner and think: “Give me your speech and let me read it for you.”

Of Barnaby Joyce’s love affair, Turnbull says he brought in the “bonk ban” because he feared voters would think: “So that’s what our politicians do in Canberra, spend our money boozing and screwing the staff.”

That is not what we think. We don’t actually care. It’s the screwing of the taxpayer we’re worried about.

We know how you feel, Barnaby. Picture: Kym Smith

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The greater Malcolm

Now to the title: A Bigger Picture. There’s a rumour going around that Australia’s 29th prime minister sent the cover back to the publisher with those words on a Post-It note, meaning: “I want a bigger picture of me” on the front. And they mistook this direction because honestly, you couldn’t get a bigger picture of Malcolm on the cover, not without wrapping his ears around the spine (Turnbull’s book has a spine? Yes, we know, there’s a joke there). But pretending that rumour is true, what else would you call it?

Malcolm, the Not-so-Friendly Ghost? Pulp This Fiction?

He may have been crowned king ... but Malcolm Turnbull couldn’t quite pull the sword from the stone. Illustration: Eric Lobbecke

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Diplomacy in denial

All that said there are some marvellous vignettes, like this one:

Turnbull to Rudd: “I just don’t think you’re suited to running the UN, it’s your interpersonal skills, they’re not up to scratch.”

Rudd to Turnbull: “You little f..king rat. You total piece of shit.” Oh, and also, the book is $55. That’s some stimulus.

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Branch of all evil

Today’s covidiot: the chap in Western Australia, sent to jail for sneaking out of hotel quarantine for a … wait, there’s a word for it, opposite of branch, it will come to me …

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The higher power

A surfer dude asked a ranger blocking the path to Sydney’s Bronte beach if he could go

Sorry dudes, the ocean is closed. Surfers catch some waves at Bronte. Picture: Toby Zerna

down to the rocks to catch a few waves, and was told: “There’s no point because the ocean is closed.” He asked, slightly tongue in cheek: “Just here, or the Pacific Ocean, or all the oceans of the world?”

“No, only the Pacific Ocean,” the ranger replied.

“And who closed the Pacific Ocean?” he asked.

“Waverley Council,” she said, “at 9.30 this morning.”

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Fright of the damned

Cheers to the Qantas pilot who this week told passengers: “Hello, and welcome to this flight down to Melbourne. I’m working from home today, but don’t worry, we’ve got brand-new batteries in the remote control.”

Cheers also to the National Australia Bank teller who told a customer: “Used to be, people came in wearing masks, they were robbing the joint.”

A Qantas Airways plane takes off at Sydney Airport in Sydney on March 19, 2020. - Australia's biggest airline Qantas said it would halt all international flights and suspend 20,000 staff in response to the coronavirus pandemic, days after the island nation's other main carrier Virgin shut its overseas routes. (Photo by Saeed KHAN / AFP)

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Take my wife … please

And now, here’s your COVID-19 joke of the day. Actually, here are two:

 “Doctor, doctor, my wife and I have been married 40 years. How do we do social distancing?’

“Just carry on as normal.”

 That’s not even funny. But this one is:

 A coronavirus walks into a bar.

Barman: “We don’t serve coronaviruses here.”

Coronavirus: “Well, you’re not a very good host.”

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