Take a load off

IT is next to unforgivable to kick off a satirical column with a discussion of Clive Palmer’s poo.

IT is next to unforgivable to kick off a satirical column with a discussion of Clive Palmer’s poo. But since the big man is so full of it, it is rather unavoidable. The Palmer United Party flusher-in-chief raised eyebrows this week when he left question time in the House of Representatives — where he is an elected member — to wander over to the Senate to keep a watchful eye over his team. Was he concerned outspoken senator Jacqui Lambie would break away? Was he afraid his PUP team was not voting along party lines? No, Palmer had a more earthy explanation — he had left to go to the toilet. “That was why I got up and left, it was a pressing act of nature,’’ Palmer disclosed. “Having done that act very successfully and feeling much relieved ... I decided I’d take a brisk walk, ’cos I was feeling much lighter, and go over to the Senate. I had no one to talk to so I walked into the back of the Senate. Some of our senators saw me, they came and said hello.” Spied by the ever-hounding media — especially this journal, which of course sends its intelligence-gathering on Palmer directly to the CIA — the party leader said he decided to wander outside with his PUPs and have a chat, sparking speculation over their discussions in the wake of reports of souring relationships in the Palmer ranks. After delivering his explanation, Palmer was keen to depart from his press conference yesterday in bowel-turningly-brisk Canberra. Apparently, nature was calling again.

Old-school ties

KINCUMBER fireman Jeff Sundstrom has won ALP preselection for the NSW state seat of Terrigal in preparation for the next NSW election. The seat is held by controversial Liberal MP Chris Hartcher, who has moved to the crossbenches following an explosive appearance before the state’s corruption watchdog. Sundstrom has notable old-school ties. At Narwee Boys High he was in the same year and classes as former ALP premier Morris Iemma. The father of five was something of a funnyman at high school, in contrast to the quiet and studious Iemma.

The price is not right

DETHRONED former Fairfax columnist Mike Carlton is back, although readers who had spent the past decade at a Vipassana meditation retreat may be forgiven for being unaware he had ever filed a bitter word for the print empire at all. The online rag Crikey has picked up the first column to emanate from the cantankerous writer since his dramatic departure from The Sydney Morning Herald following a controversial column he contributed on the Gaza conflict and the subsequent Twitter storm. Carlton described himself to Crikey readers yesterday as a “former ABC war correspondent and naval historian”. And the freewheeling Crikey allowed Carlton wide latitude to express his rage over Gaza, which the columnist described as “Israel’s Vietnam”. Carlton laid into his Jewish critics, describing them as “the powerful and sophisticated Likud lobby in Australia” who had “never experienced a flicker of anti-Semitism in their gilded lives”. The rest of the spray doesn’t really bear repeating, Suffice it to say it ends with Carlton’s suggestion that those inclined to detect a tone of anti-Semitism in the publication of items such as cartoons that invoke Nazi-era propaganda demean the memory of their brethren who died at Auschwitz. The only salvation to be found in the sorry saga is that Crikeyreckons Carlton’s is an occasional column: it can’t afford him.

Born to run

ANTHONY Albanese has made a coded plea for mercy on Sydney university radio station 2SER. On the segment “Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue”, the federal member for Grayndler had to choose four songs on the theme. Albanese named the Triffids’ Wide Open Road (he dreams of escape), the Audreys’ Comfort (opposition is depressing, requires remedies of chicken soup), PJ Harvey and Thom Yorke’s This Mess We’re In (no explanation required), and the Smiths’ Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want (if Bill Shorten chokes on a chicken bone, I might lead the party). A most revealing line-up from the Albs.

No more stand-ins

CRIKEY’S Guy Rundle has been lamenting the absence of long-time Strewth columnist James Jeffrey of late. This shadow of a stand-in knows how he feels, and God only knows how James’s snakes are coping. But Guy will soon have some relief from his brain-stretching calculations, which have categorised Strewth items somewhat bafflingly. Don’t worry, Guy, James’s Iranian adventures are over and the beloved scribe will burst back into print next week, no doubt with a special shout-out. Meanwhile, this infrequent guest columnist can take comfort that, if subjected to analysis today, she won’t understand your ratios anyhow.

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