Strewth: Why they titter so

Porter and Pyne had a bright and cheerful morning as they discussed Labor’s citizenship woes.

Sometimes when politicians have to announce something’s gone pear-shaped, they endeavour to effect a more-in-sorrow-than-anger atmosphere. Not Christian Porter and Christopher Pyne, who arrived for their press conference on Labor’s job lot of dual-citizenship woes with an air of barely suppressed glee. Attorney-General Porter started as he meant to continue by applying a sturdy paddle to the Opposition Leader for what he’d said a little earlier: “ ... and anyone, Bill Shorten, Mark Dreyfus or anyone else, who says this is a reinterpretation or a change, is talking absolute rubbish”. Pyne, his spectacles gleaming in the fluorescent light, did however remember to demonstrate the timeless elegance of restraint, only twice likening Shorten to a “union bovver boy”.

Heavy vetting

If its mission was to drag the conversation away from Scott Morrison’s budget, Labor was wildly successful. The day started innocently but optimistically, Bill Shorten telling Today host Karl Stefanovic, “Let’s together put the people and the national interest ahead of silly old politics.” Then, to paraphrase Tony Abbott, ordure occurred. It was easy enough trawling through all the fun examples of assorted Laborites insisting they were (had they been given to Trumpian rhetoric) in possession of a great vetting process, the best vetting process! Among them was Shorten’s letter to Malcolm Turnbull in August last year, in which he offered this assertion: “The Labor Party has the strictest processes in place to ensure all candidates are compliant with the Constitution prior to their nomination for election.” But if you seek an earthier sort of poetry, enjoy this old tweet from Labor backbencher Brian Mitchell marking the departure of Greens senator Scott Ludlam back when the whole dual-citizenship fiasco was still dazzlingly shiny and new: “Sad to see the bloke go but no. If you’re born in a Commonwealth country you assume dual citizenship. Bone-headed mistake, very heavy price.”

Life of Brian

But that’s not Mitchell’s earthiest effort. For that, let us revisit this apposite Strewth item from early December: “When simply answering isn’t a preferred option, what’s the best way for a politician to deal with pesky reporters and their endless questions? Some like the less-is-more approach. For example, that time Tony Abbott gave Seven News reporter Mark Riley a pregnant pause nearly as long as an elephant’s gestation. But the sound of silence doesn’t work for everyone. Certainly not Labor MP Brian Mitchell, who took exception to ABC Lateline reporter Matt Wordsworth asking citizenship questions of fellow Tasmanian Labor MP Justine Keay at a Parliament House barbecue yesterday. Keay is perfectly capable of speaking for herself, but Mitchell was taking no chances and cruised in over the top, doing his best to direct the interview while brandishing a can of soft drink. The narrative arc was brief but bumpy, culminating in Mitchell telling Wordsworth, ‘Go and do your research, maggot.’ It’s nice the citizenship fiasco got a fresh angle and that a few more people now know who Mitchell is. But it’s hard to say what capped off the spectacle more perfectly: the way Keay managed to make the two syllables that make up ‘Brian’ sound like code for ‘You’re really not helping me here’, or the bit of tinsel providing some festive incongruity on the tree just behind them. Anyway, Eric Abetz got very excited and Mitchell apologised. All’s well that ends well.” Well, except that Keay had to pull the pin yesterday.

Boundless plains

Another of the freshly fallen in the dual citizenship duel was Labor’s Josh Wilson, who at least managed to bring one of Advance Australia Fair’s more rarely sung verses to the table in his speech to the House of Reps. Describing how his electorate had taken his travails in good humour, he mentioned an event at which the anthem was sung. As they got to the bit that goes “For those who’ve come across the seas we’ve boundless plains to share”, an old Rotarian clapped his hand on Wilson’s shoulder and said, “Lucky for you.” (By the by, the ABC posted video of Wilson’s speech online but headlined it “Tim Wilson’s resignation from Parliament”. That Wilson, who sits safely on the government benches, gently pointed out the error. A funnier typo would have been “Wilson Tuckey”.)

Taking Melbourne

If we were a gambling type, we’d wager the Catholic Archbishop of Perth, Timothy Costelloe, is about to be appointed head of the Melbourne Archdiocese, replacing the about-to-retire Archbishop Denis Hart. It’s OK; Costelloe’s a Melbourne boy.

[e-mail]