Strewth: Victorian Clive

Clive Palmer is growing more optimistic with age.

While there are exceptions to the rule, in Strewth’s experience most people launch their adult lives full of dreams and hopes and ambitions for taking over the world and then become ever more, shall we say, realistic about things as life kicks the stuffing out of them. But not our Clive Palmer. The same man who, in his 20s, spent his spare time penning such serotonin-sapping verse as “I’m old now / Once I was beautiful / Once I was sought after / Once I had diamonds / Once I had gold / Once I had love / But now I am old”, has lately taken a more optimistic turn. In recent days Palmer has logged on to Twitter to wax patriotic (“I love our country”), romantic (“I love my wife Anna”) and familial (“Its [sic] great to have dinner with the family”). Yesterday (happy belated birthday, sir) Palmer tweeted, “62 years ago I was born in #Footscray hospital. Go the mighty @westernbulldogs.”

PM’s Swans song

Last week Strewth delivered the exclusive if not surprising news that Malcolm Turnbull would be barracking for the Sydney Swans in the AFL grand final (fat lot of good it did them). Though some were left questioning the commitment of the team’s No 1 fan after an exchange the PM had with 3AW’s Neil Mitchell in the lead-up to the game. “I accept that you can’t sing, but cheer, cheer the red and the white?” said Mitchell, trying to goad Turnbull into singing the Swannies’ club song. “Exactly. I’ll be doing that gently and with minimum pain to my people sitting next to me,” replied Turnbull. Mitchell, not satisfied, continued: “Now the next line?” And here things started to get hairy: “Cheer, cheer the red and the white. Cheer, cheer the red and the white,” offered the PM, with all the confidence of Bart Simpsontrying to pad out his book report on Treasure Island (“Did I mention this book was written by a guy named Robert Lewis Stevenson? And published by the good people at McGraw Hill.”). Mitchell: “And the next line?” Turnbull: “You’ll have to sing it for me.” Mitchell: “Honour the name by day and by night.”. Turnbull: “You’re absolutely right, honour the name by day and by night. That’s right, well I’ll be honouring it by day and by night.” Mitchell: “Thanks so much for your time.”

Help wanted

Pauline Hanson has put the call out for potential One Nation candidates seeking seats in the next Queensland election, letting the word go forth on social media that “if you know of anyone who might be interested in running, email the office for a copy of the application form”. Which is fair enough; the journey of a thousand miles to Canberra begins with the first step, but in the wake of the likes of senator Malcolm Roberts’sascension to the upper house, Strewth must wonder what sort of questions might be asked on such a form “Do you consider yourself a sovereign citizen (circle all that apply)? Yes / no / I (first name-last name): The living soul do not recognise this questionnaire as a legitimate authority …”

Gone to the dogs

In NSW, where Premier Mike Baird is said to be on the increasingly (wet, twitching, snuffling) nose due to his attempt to ban greyhound racing, fans of the dogs are not going down without a fight. Saturday night at the Wentworth Park races saw Race 3 named the Warren Mundine Appreciation Stakes, thanks to the former ALP national president’s tireless work on behalf of the dishlickers. Among the hounds running were dogs such as Good Odds Angel, and perhaps in a nod to those who reckon the ban is part of a plan to put up unit blocks on old racetracks, Let It Develop. In the end the race was won by the brindled Ritza Rossi (“no early pace but will be searching for runs and motoring to the line late. A must for exotic players”, said the form guide), who happily posed with the race’s benefactor in the winner’s circle.

Class dismissed

Finally, from the US comes the inspiring story of young Grant Stroble, a newly enrolled student at the University of Michigan who has taken advantage of the school’s choose-your-own pronoun policy to register as and insist on being called “His Majesty” by classmates and professors alike. Of course, Stroble wouldn’t be the first to unilaterally big-up his name. We recall African dictator Joseph Mobutu changing his name to Mobutu Sese Seko Kuku Ngbendu wa za Banga — “the all-powerful warrior who because of his endurance and inflexible will to win will go from conquest to conquest leaving fire in his wake” — which as far new names go earns an A for ambition, even though the application of his new nomenclature was more of a fail.

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