Strewth: Stop the gloats

Peter Dutton was probably so sick of Melbourne crowing about itself that he decided to do something about it.

The most plausible explanation for what happened in Melbourne yesterday was that Border Protection Minister Peter Dutton was so sick of the city crowing about its recently re-awarded “most liveable city” status, he decided to do something about it. Perhaps what eventually emerged as Operation Fortitude — a joint venture in which Victorian wallopers were to do their usual thing and Australian Border Force folk in their fancy black shirts were to check visas along Melbourne’s hitherto unnoticed border — took shape under the working title Operation Stop the Gloats.

This theory would also explain why, even as the Labor Party erupted, its Melburnian leader, Bill Shorten, stoutly refused to take the bait, responding in a manner even more provocatively tepid than his Mildly Concerned of Moonee Ponds routine. Confounded by Shorten’s refusal to play ball, the ABF worked hard but efficiently. “ABF officers will be positioned at various locations around the CBD speaking with any individual we cross paths with,” it announced, and then, like the Starship Enterprise varying the wavelength of its shields to confound its enemies, this: “To be clear, the ABF does not and will not stop people at random in the streets.” All capped by ABF chief Roman Quaedvlieg giving a press conference of splendid testiness (not a balls-up pun). We only hope Dutton was on a veranda somewhere in Queensland last night, feet up on the railing and a coldie in his hands, quietly murmuring, “Most leaveable city, more like.”

Take your pics

Non-sequitur of the day, starring Bill Shorten:

Shorten: “l’ll be interested to see how much Mr Abbott’s photo appears on Liberal Party material in the upcoming by-election … when you see his photo on material you can go ‘bingo’. I don’t think that you’ll be calling that out too often.”

Journo: “Your photo doesn’t appear on the Labor election material, I see?”

Shorten: “I don’t think it’s over yet and this is my second visit within six days.”

Woah and pieces

Across Bass Strait in Tasmania, Joe Hockey coughed up a line that, under normal circumstances, would have been his winner for the day: “We are determined to deliver have-a-go tax cuts to the Australian people.” But yesterday was no day for “normal circumstances”. At the end of an interview on radio station 7AD, he was implored to enjoy the rest of his time in Tasmania. Hockey responded thus: “Well, I tell you what. I woke up this morning when it was dark, and I nearly froze my nose off.” At which his interviewer ventured, “And other parts?” Hockey took the ball and ran with it: “And other parts, you can see them floating in the ocean, and now, what a beautiful day and what a great part of the world.” Unquote.

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