Strewth: Show of hands

There were a couple of WTF moments in Monday night’s Four Corners investigation into Aunty’s own killing season.

The Nine board: Catherine West, left, Peter Costello, Janette Kendall, Hugh Marks, Samantha Lewis and David Gyngell. Picture: John Feder

There were a couple of WTF moments in Monday night’s Four Corners investigation into Aunty’s own killing season (copyright: Sarah Ferguson), but the standout was when former ABC managing director Michelle Guthrie accused former chairman Justin Milne of inappropriately touching her. Our esteemed colleague Caroline Overington pondered the action Guthrie described and wrote: “And so we are having to ask this question: is it sexual harassment to rub somebody’s back? The answer should be obvious: depends who’s doing the rubbing and under what circumstances. In this case? Of course it’s not.” The verdict has been even less equivocal at one of Aunty’s fellow broadcasters. As Nine’s board of directors gathered for happy snaps at the company’s annual general meeting yesterday, hands graced backs and chairman Peter Costello was heard to merrily call out: “Help, I’m being sexually harassed!” This is what is known in the trade as a topical joke.

Navigating the snags

In Singapore for the ASEAN summit, Scott Morrison offered some definition on the Israel embassy matter.

PM: “We’ll be dealing with it over the next little while.”

Journo: “Can you define a ‘little while’ for us, Prime Minister?”

PM: “It’s a little and a while.”

Five stars. Eventually, the press conference shifted gears.

Journo: “I’ll just ask you on sausages at Bunnings …”

PM: “Sorry?”

For those not up to speed on the latest national emergency, hardware giant Bunnings has laid down the law on the mystery bags sold for good causes outside its stores. Let us turn briefly to Bunnings chief operating officer Debbie Poole: “We recently introduced a suggestion that onion be placed underneath sausages to help prevent the onion from falling out and creating a slipping hazard.” (There was something altogether more arresting about the way Seven News Melbourne phrased it, conveying a tone that somehow managed to be simultaneously a bit biblical and a bit Kenneth Williams: “Onions will now be placed on the slice of bread first, then the sausage will be laid.” As Otto von Bismarck came so close to saying, it is better to not see sausages being laid.) Having pondered the matter, ScoMo replied: “Whether the onions are on top or underneath, I’ll always be buying sausages on bread.” Hopefully he now appoints Tony Abbott as the nation’s onion envoy, just to be safe. Meanwhile, Bill Shorten, who has been photographed eating a sausage sandwich in the manner of a newcomer to this planet, was suspiciously silent.

Change in the big house

While the PM tackled sausages, senator Barry O’Sullivan did away with his, informing the upper house that from now on he wished to identify as a woman. No context is needed. We’ll just note that Wikipedia swiftly updated O’Sullivan’s entry to record the senator “is an openly transgender Australian politician”, and change every relevant third-person pronoun to “she”. We wish her well.

One line to rule ’em all

Want to know how to fob off hacks with a one-size-fits-all reply? Here’s US senator Cindy Hyde-Smith handling questions about her enthusiasm to attend a public hanging: “I put out a statement yesterday and we stand by that statement.” Round 2: “We put out the statement yesterday and it’s available and we stand by that statement.” 3: “I put out a statement yesterday and that’s all I am going to say about it.” And 4: “I put out a statement and we stand by the statement and that’s all I’m going to say about it.” And for the closing flourish, 5: “We put out a statement yesterday and I stand by the statement.” Done!

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