Strewth: Roman on pyre

And so it came to pass that Christian Porter recommended the dismissal of Border Force boss Roman Quaedvlieg.

Attorney-General Christian Porter and former Border Force boss Roman Quaedvlieg.

And so it came to pass that Attorney-General Christian Porter recommended the dismissal of Border Force boss Roman Quaedvlieg for, among other things, “making a wilfully or reckless false statement” to Immigration Minister Peter Dutton. All in all we can chalk this up as a lyin’ Roman being thrown to the Christian. With Quaedvlieg having been found to have misused his position to get his new girlfriend a job, the official announcement did at least contain some understatement that managed to be huge yet elegant. Exhibit A: “Needless to say it is extremely unfortunate that it was necessary to terminate Mr Quadevlieg’s appointment.” (“Extremely unfortunate” in this case is a sentence you can enter into a currency converter and come up with a number of dollars hefty enough to bring tears to a glass eye.) It went on to note his “long and conspicuous public service”, but sadly passed up the opportunity to use one of the headlines freshly baked in the brain of Sydney scholar Stephen Murray: “Roman Horror Day.” The cruelly misled Dutton stayed upbeat: “It’s not something that deserves to be across the front pages of the paper.”

Sax Romana

The imminent Quaedvlieg dismissal (or to give it a more cod Latin flavour, Sax Romana) did at least give Scott Morrison a chance to show how much he has changed. Once upon a time in his old portfolio, his preferred way of saying nothing was to declare the topic of the question just asked of him as “an on-water matter”, and that was that, give or take a smile of thin-lipped finality. Yesterday, after the Treasurer’s press conference had finished chugging through his happy topics (“Bill Shorten’s incompetence”, “Chris Bowen’s incompetence”, the OECD and so forth) it ran aground on the inevitable subject. It was ScoMo’s moment to show just how much of a say-nothing magician he has become, and boy did he shine.

Journo: “Will Roman Quaedvlieg be sacked today?”

ScoMo: “I have no direct engagement with that issue. I’ll leave it to the Home Affairs Minister …”

Journo: Have you spoken to the Governor-General about it?

ScoMo: “Well, why would I?”

Journo: “Taxpayers have paid half a million dollars to Roman Quaedvlieg — he’s been on leave, not working during the investigation into his conduct — do you think an eight-month investigation, two months to make a decision, is ridiculous?”

ScoMo: “I’ll leave those matters to the Home Affairs Minister.”

Journo: “Will you rule out more taxpayers’ money (inaudible)?”

ScoMo: “Again, they’re matters for the Home Affairs Minister.”

Journo: “You’ve got the purse strings, Treasurer, half a million dollars …”

ScoMo: “But those decisions are taken by the Home Affairs Minister — I’ll refer to him.”

So far, so good. The only time to vary the program was when it was connected back to him.

Journo: “Treasurer, you were immigration minister when the (Australian Border Force) was decided upon, has the inaugural commissioner Quaedvlieg damaged its standing?”

ScoMo: “Well, again, the (ABF) has been an outstanding initiative, together with the creation of the unified Ministry of Home Affairs.”

Game, set, match.

Everlasting Bob stopper

A northern announcement: “Bob Katter MP has today called out the appalling hypocrisy and ‘dammed if you do, dammed if you don’t’ attitude by the Queensland Department of Environment …” Traditionally it’s “damned”, but BobKat does appear to have discovered a far more uncomfortable alternative.

Only you

While we daydream of travelling through Victoria’s capital beneath the surface of its stately stream singing “We all live in a Yarra submarine”, not everyone in Melbourne has been feeling so sunny. Behold this, a howl of anguish from the soul on radio station 3AW.

Neil Mitchell: “Anthony Albanese is … in the studio with me. Are you sure you are a member of the Labor Party?”

Albo: “I am absolutely a very loyal member of the Labor Party.”

Mitchell: “What the hell are you doing here?”

Albo: “Indeed I am so old, I was at a branch event last night and talked about when I joined Labor and it reminded me that I am eligible for life membership soon, so that is a bit of a worry” …

Mitchell: “You could be thrown out for coming here, you know.”

Albo: “No. Never. I am always happy to talk to you, Neil.”

Mitchell: “You are alone.”

Albo: “I’m sure that’s not the case.”

Mitchell: “I am.”

Come on, Labor Party, don’t snuff out the twinkle in this gentle dreamer’s eyes.

[e-mail]