Strewth: laws of brevity

Queensland LNP senator James McGrath has outdone Anthony Albanese for the shortest press release with a simple ‘No’.

Anthony Albanese.

It was nearly two years ago that Anthony Albanese put out the nation’s shortest press release. Under the heading “Media statement on news that Sydney Airport Corporation chairman Max Moore-Wilton plans to retire” was the brief but heartfelt message: “Good.” But with the possible exception of John Farnham’s career, nothing lasts forever. Yesterday, out popped a message headed “Queensland LNP senator James McGrath responds to calls to change the date of Australia Day”. And then the body of the message: “No.” The merits of the message can be debated but not the brevity. That said, unlike Albo, McGrath also felt compelled to include a footnote for the benefit of editors, explaining who he is. Having perused McGrath’s micro-release, Albo told Strewth: “If the government ever does anything good, you can be certain they will have ripped it off Labor.” We don’t believe Albo took any pleasure in saying this.

What’s to not like

Speaking of Albo, here is a short conversation perfectly in balance with itself from yesterday, starring the federal opposition infrastructure spokesman and the ABC’s Rafael Epstein.

Epstein: “People hate politicians, Anthony Albanese. I think they hate them a little bit more after …”

Albo: “They don’t all love the media either, Raf, it’s got to be said.”

Epstein: “One hundred per cent.”

Albo: “And there are some people who don’t like the ABC.”

Epstein: “I am fully aware.”

Clamour and pickle

As Strewth likes to bring some good news into your day, we are grateful to a kindly reader who, possibly aware of our dietary proclivities, has drawn our attention to the Customs Tariff Amendment Bill 2016, a digest of which has been popped out in recent days by the Parliamentary Library. Specifically this bit on gherkins: “The first decision related to an import of gherkins and in summary the issue to determine was whether the gherkins were properly classified under Chapter 7 of Schedule 3 of the Act (which deals with edible vegetables and certain roots and tubers), or under Chapter 20 (which deals with preparations of vegetables, fruit, nuts or other parts of plants).” On it trundles at some length, delivering a series of cliffhangers — will the gherkins wind up under Chapter 20, where they’ll be subject to a 5 per cent tariff, or Chapter 7, where they get off scot-free? Finally and mercifully, the episode reaches its climax: “The AAT decided that the gherkins should be classified under Chapter 7 ...” Our reader is still holding out for: “There will be no gherkin tax under a government I lead.”

Past masters

Even though the 1950s were when some of Australia’s great breakthroughs happened (Exhibit A: Slim Dusty’s A Pub with No Beer becoming the nation’s first single to go gold), declaring someone belongs to that decade really is the “Your mother wears army boots” of Australian politics. Or at least for Labor. Rarely a day used to go by without someone tying John Howard’s outlook to the 50s. Later, Kevin Rudd was just one who suggested Tony Abbott belonged to the 50s, as was Bill Shorten, who cast the then PM back to that distant decade after the knighthood was announced for Prince Philip. Finally, yesterday, the Coalition — in the form of Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull — tried it on for size, sledging Shorten for “protectionism”: “This is a blast right back into the 1950s. He is not yesterday’s man, he is last century’s man.” It’s a start.

Law and water

While the likes of Cory Bernardi may be content to simply echo the Trumpism “Drain the swamp”, Pauline Hanson has at least gone to the effort of adapting it for local conditions. Asked about draining said swamp yesterday, Hanson replied: “No, we’re going to drain the billabong.” While this is bad news for wildlife and livestock alike, it does at least prevent the jolly swagman from drowning himself and escaping justice. Surely what you’d call a win-win situation.

See if it floats

Sticking with small bodies of water, here’s a mental image to wrestle from Labor’s Andrew Leigh: “Turnbull government’s tax loophole big enough to float a pool through.” While not quite as ambitious as the glass church floating down the Bellinger River in Oscar and Lucinda, it’s still quite a vision. Ditto this effort from Leigh colleagues Kim “Bearded thunder” Carr and Nick “94a” Champion: “New Industry Minister more like industrial grim reaper.” Which frankly makes us picture some sort of mechanised bringer of death, which brings us to the Terminator, which in turn brings us not to their target Arthur Sinodinos but to Finance Minister Mathias Cormann. It’s all very confusing.

Celebratory sledges

Few were quite as visibly elated by Donald Trump’s exit from the Trans-Pacific Partnership as Bob Katter, who was so chuffed he subtly repurposed his press release from the previous day (Strewth, yesterday) and sent it out again. But there were some tweaks. For example, he upgraded Trade Minister Steve Ciobo and Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce from simply wanting “to prove they’re dumb” to “blockheads”. We suspect they’ll take it as an endorsement of sorts.

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