Strewth: Great or grates

Former Liberal Victorian premier Jeff Kennett pinpoints the breadth of Cory Bernardi’s appeal.

The story of Cory “Dark Knight” Bernardi’s possible secession from the Liberal Party was never going to be complete without some input from Jeff Kennett. While nothing he said was as pungent as his assessment of John Howard in that illegally intercepted phone conversation with Andrew Peacock all those years ago (“the poor little fellow didn’t know whether he was Arthur or Martha”), it was still zesty. Exhibit A: “If he was to walk down the main street of Melbourne, Sydney or Brisbane, not one person would recognise him.” All that was missing from The Age’s story about the latest sermon from Mount Kennett was that photo of the Trump-admiring Bernardi in his “Make Australia Great Again” cap. And yet the little sponsor’s ad slot under the story did its best to fill the gap: “You might like …” it began above a photo of the DVD of George Megalogenis’s TV series Making Australia Great.

Barnaby, to all in tents

Bernardi’s fellow traveller George Christensen floated the possibility of a time when he’d also have to depart the tent. He declared, “I am loyal to Barnaby Joyce, loyal to the Nationals and — most of all — loyal to local LNP members who selected me to be their candidate.” Loyalty to Joyce sounds fair enough. He certainly gave us some of our favourite moments of the year. Not least the one we described at the time in The Sketch: “In the latest instalment of Barnaby Joyce’s War on Animals, question time was enlivened by some crazed beat poetry from a man excited about the prospect of raining venereal doom upon the feral carp clogging our waterways. Or, to give Joyce his full due, CAAARP … Some fretted the occasional Acting PM had blown a head gasket. Others, listening as Joyce stretched out carp’s lonely syllable with enough vowels to supply a season of Wheel of Fortune, looked as though they understood the more fundamental truth: Barnaby was back.” We’re not sure how the Deputy PM feels about the fact some enterprising Germans have again produced (and we quote) “the erotic Carponizer Carp Calendar 2017”. As the blurb puts it (in German), it is “definitely one of the most extraordinary ideas to present this magnificent fish in an attractive setting. Carponizer has also succeeded every month of the year with courage to create the extraordinary. Twelve magnificent carp will be presented with no less attractive women …” And yes, there is much nudity, not least among the carp.

Potty shots

While we contemplate a photo of Pauline Hanson grimacing with a jar of Vegemite, a message from the office of her departed thorn, Rod Culleton: “From Senator Culleton and the whole team, thanks for the support from everyone in the media during 2016. Yes it’s been crazy, but I think you’ve got some memorable and unforgettable quotes from the senator and hopefully more to come in 2017. (‘Do a pooey or get off the potty?’ Still makes me cringe!!)” By the by, Culleton’s potty line was echoed yesterday by Tony Windsor. The former MP, whose powerful focus on the nether regions sees him regularly describe newspapers he doesn’t like as toilet paper, yesterday called Bernardi and Christensen “suppositories” and suggested: “Bernardi should do us all a favour and get on with it and Malcolm (Turnbull) should either piss or get off the potty.” Sifting through Windsor quotes, one begins to think of Adrian Edmondson asBaron von Richthofenin Blackadder Goes Forth: “How lucky you English are to find the toilet so amusing. For us, it is a mundane and functional item. For you it is the basis of an entire culture.”

Facts to grind

Resources Minister Matt Canavan enlivened the pre-Christmas doldrums by accusing the ABC of “fake news” over Adani, then promptly getting pinged by an ABC journalist for, ahem, spreading news not strictly connected to reality: Quoth Canavan, “In fact there will be no (ABC) video journalists from Maroochydore to Townsville. It’ll be flyover country for the ABC.” Cue Aunty’s Isobel Roe, who tweeted, “ ‘There’ll be no ABC video journalists from Maroochydoore to Townsville,’ says Matt Canavan. There’s actually at least seven. Me included.” To paraphrase all those Scooby-Doo villains, he might have got away with it if it hadn’t been for those meddling kids.

Loose sips to sink

As we prepare to disappear for Christmas, here is our shortest cocktail recipe yet: the Bermuda Triangle. Gather 30ml peach schnapps, 15ml spice rum and 90ml orange juice. Pour into an ice-filled old-fashioned glass and make it vanish the usual way.

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