Strewth: Eric Abetz v sex

Sometimes one dreams of a world where, just as there are audio versions of books, there are also audio versions of press releases. Behold this magical sliver of words from doughty Tasmanian senator Eric Abetz. Then imagine it in his voice — that delicate quaver that hints equally at butterfly wings in a breeze and the ghost of BA Santamaria — and you’ll have yourself something akin to performance art. Take it away, senator: “The ABC’s decision to publish on its Snapchat channel, a medium used by many younger Australians, suggestions for enhancing one’s sex life is highly questionable and requires a full explanation. The Snapchat story includes 20 separate images with suggestions on how people can enhance their sex lives. This follows Triple J earlier this year publishing a ‘Beginner’s guide to blowies’.” (For what it’s worth, we believe “blowies” does not refer to the insect but involves a more metallic type of fly.)

Nothing to see here

If there’s one Coalition MP who has summarised more concisely the government’s predicament than backbencher Craig Kelly, we’d like to hear it. Appearing on Sky News yesterday, the ever cheerful Kelly announced in his trademark dulcet boom, “At the moment Malcolm Turnbull is the Prime Minister …” That said, Human Services Minister Alan Tudge wasn’t too far behind when (also on Sky) he bravely went the double-denial-in-a-single-sentence with Patricia Karvelas: “We never look at the polls, Patricia, we never look at the polls.”

Move along

When a politician’s office releases a transcript of a press conference, it tends to start with a list of the topics covered. For example, the transcript of Bill Shorten’s doorstop press conference at Parliament House yesterday was topped with this: “SUBJECTS: Homelessness, Clean Energy Target, Malcolm Turnbull’s failure to tackle out of control power prices.” Who knows whether it was the excitement of the first day back or just a devotion to the element of surprise that meant this sizeable chunk of the press conference wasn’t alluded to?

Journo: “What do you make of reports that Michael Danby visited Israel while on sick leave during a sitting week?”

Shorten: “I’m not going to comment about a person’s personal medical issues.”

Journo: “Is Labor going to take any action, raise any questions with him?”

Shorten: “The man gave us a medical certificate. I’m not a doctor. I’m not going to start second-guessing his medical prognosis and condition.”

Then a short time later, a bit more on the same topic. Easily overlooked, we guess.

Done like a dinner

Meanwhile, from question time, a short play about brutality starring Environment and Energy Minister Josh Frydenberg and Speaker Tony Smith.

Frydenberg: “I say to the opposition: repeat it in this house, have the courage of Braveheart, walk up to the dispatch box and repeat your lies of the past. You won’t, because you know that it’s misleading the Australian people.”

Speaker: “The minister will return to the dispatch box and withdraw that unparliamentary term.”

Frydenberg: “I withdraw that, Mr Speaker, but I do say …”

Speaker: “No, you can resume your seat. You’ve finished.”

Fin.

Blast from the past

During her interview with Australian Competition & Consumer Commission chairman Rod Sims yesterday, Radio National Breakfast host Fran Kelly momentarily made use of “incentivation”, that tragically unloved Frankenstein’s monster of a word rarely heard since its brief flowering under John Howard. She immediately corrected herself, but how lovely/vaguely troubling (delete where applicable) that it lives on.

Go well, big man

When our friend and colleague Iain Shedden died yesterday, it was the first time he displayed less than impeccable timing. As a gifted drummer and master of the deft quip, Sheddy was not one to drop the beat. A superb writer and even more superb human being, he could review and interview with sensitivity and knowledge, then bash out something like his 2008 screed on the John Fogerty shirt, a flight of fancy about tour merchandise that started as a piss-take and finished as a surreal masterpiece. We were due to be the musical act at a wedding later this year, but his insistence we’d need to rehearse a lot was accompanied by a hand action that spoke less of music and more about lifting bottles. God, it would have been ace … Wherever he has gone, we hope there’s not too much peace for his liking.

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