Strewth: cozzies for Clive Palmer

Elite athlete? Don’t laugh. Clive Palmer’s svelte new look isn’t the only surprising benefit of his dramatic weight loss.

He’s a fine specimen of a man these days, Clive Palmer. He has lost a seat, lost a party, lost workers’ jobs — and he has lost weight! Now Clive has shared more of his tips for a healthier you. “It’s not about how we look, it’s about how we live, and a change in lifestyle is what’s helped me a lot,” he confided to Seven’s David Koch and Samantha Armytage yesterday.

“I’m not as good as Tony Abbott in his budgie smugglers, but nevertheless, I aspire to that.” It turns out amazing fitness comes with this new svelte physique. Weighing in at 95kg, 5kg from his target weight, Clive has revealed his resting heart rate is down to 55 beats a minute. Colleagues with all the latest whiz-bang fitness gadgetry say this is in elite athlete territory.

Svelte Clive Palmer.

The old rotund version of Palmer.

“I’ve had a stress test and I’m in the top 1 or 2 per cent in the country,” Palmer says modestly. We await the swimsuit calendar (perhaps with sale proceeds donated to Queensland Nickel workers).

Nice try flies Coop

One man who knows a (very little) bit about sport is Malcolm Turnbull. You’ve seen the pictures of him watching important matches late at night, decked out in his Aussie tracksuit … oh wait. Anyway, the Prime Minister’s passion for rugby league was clearly on display as he met North Queensland Cowboys’ Gavin Cooper for an announcement about the new Townsville stadium. “We’ve just marked the try line,” Turnbull enthused, patting Cooper on the shoulder encouragingly. “You’re going to, ah, you’ll be, ah, you know, crossing and scoring that. You know?” Cooper: “That’s 2020 — I’ll be sitting firm in the Gavin Cooper Stand by then.” Turnbull was up north to mark the 75th anniversary of the Battle of the Coral Sea and spoke movingly at a dawn service. We couldn’t help but notice the RM Williams boots on his feet though — yes, they’re mandatory for any PM travelling beyond the goats cheese circles of the capital cities, but surely the feet sweat a bit in the tropics?

May day message

She’s miles ahead in the polls, but Theresa May is still wearing out her shoe leather ahead of Britain’s June 8 election. It’s lucky she has the advantage because nobody appeared to be home when the British Prime Minister went doorknocking in Aberdeenshire last weekend. Tailed by a Sky News television crew, May approached one home and received a polite “no, thank you” from a resident hiding in the garden. The next five houses didn’t respond, but May stiffened the upper lip, stuffed pamphlets through the letterbox and gestured onwards to the TV camera with a breezy “Well you’ve gotta get your leaflets delivered somehow!”

Cull’s a calling

If Rod Culleton’sexpulsion from the Senate is keeping you up at night, there’s a petition for that. Initiated by “Rodney Culleton’s Team”, the undersigned are calling on the Senate to review the former One Nation senator’s removal, reinstate him and reprimand the meanies who kicked him out (pointed looks towards Senate President Stephen Parry and Attorney-General George Brandis). The online petition was drifting hopefully towards its lofty goal of 200 signatures (that’ll show ’em) as we approached deadline last night. James Jeffrey, we hope this report in some small way eases the Rod Culleton-sized hole in your soul. Get well soon.

Constantinople crocs

Dealing with Australia’s ageing population requires innovative thinking — and so two 50-year old saltwater crocodiles will be spending their golden years in an Istanbul shopping centre. After many happy years at the Koorana Crocodile Farm in Rockhampton they’ve been flown in bespoke crates to Turkey, where they’ll join a zoo in the Boulevardi mall. What would Mick Dundee make of this: rescue mission or a new pair of boots?

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