Strewth: Clive lite

The much reduced Clive Palmer apparently yearns for Tim Tams.

Clive Palmer at Broadbeach on the Gold Coast. Picture: Mega Agency

As the buffoonish geniuses who make up the Spooky Men’s Chorale will no doubt be reminding their audience in Sydney tonight, don’t stand between a man and his tool. In Clive Palmer’s case, that tool is Twitter. Between taking pot shots at Bill Shorten for drinking beer too slowly and Malcolm Turnbull for existing, Palmer uses his account to share his thoughts about Tim Tams, even working up motivational posters dedicated to the revered chocolate biscuit. He’s also been branching out into poetry that is at least partly food-based.

Exhibit A: “Mint slices / Vanilla slices / Dices / Ratty fat / Sun dog / Dig a pony / Dig a moondog / Dig a dream / Dig it dig it / Watermelon sauce.” In the background to this is his quest to lose weight. His last documentation of this epic tale of loss was on April 3: “I weighed in this morning at 97 Kilos finally breaking the 100 Kilo barrier set when started dieting 7 month ago. I started at 153kg.”

Clive Palmer: slender is the guy. Picture: Mega Agency

Since then, another shedful of Tim Tam tweets, some of which have been almost hallucinatory, while others have been written with the poignancy and longing of an exile. Possibly explaining the latter element, here he is on the Gold Coast yesterday: slender Clive in Broadbeach.

Give Petes a chance

Into the hall of mirrors on Sky News on Monday:

Peter Beattie: “Peter, good to see you.”

Peter McGauran: “Hi Peter.”

Peter Dutton: “Good to see you, Peters, how are you?”

Beattie: “Good mate, very good. Peter over the weekend …”

Eventually, this tough interrogation drew to a close.

Dutton: “Thanks, Peter, and thanks, Peter, very much.”

McGauran: “Thanks, Pete.”

Compare and contrast with the philosophers skit from Monty Python’s Flying Circus.

Second Bruce: “How are you, Bruce?”

Fourth Bruce: “How are you, Bruce?”

First Bruce: “G’day, Bruce!”

Fourth Bruce: “Bruce.”

Second Bruce: “Hello, Bruce.”

Fourth Bruce: “Bruce.”

Third Bruce: “How are you, Bruce?”

Fourth Bruce: “G’day, Bruce.”

When a non-Bruce enters the scene — Michael from “Pommyland” — he’s asked if it’s OK to address him as Bruce “to keep it clear”. Eventually of course they launch into The Philosophers Song (“Immanuel Kant was a real pissant”, and so forth), but regrettably there was no equivalent from the Peters on Sky News.

Poultry offering

Spotted walking down a street in plush inner Sydney suburb Woollahra: one turkey, taking a morning constitutional. Where it came from, no one knew — but it looked as stately and plump as Buck Mulligan and appeared to have a very definite destination in mind. Traffic stopped for it as it went, like the proverbial chicken, to cross the road. Its wattle wobbling beneath its beak, it traversed the bitumen and vanished among extravagantly priced terraces.

A good idea at the time

Meanwhile from Darwin, an expression of regret that struck the sort of tone we’re confident the Diggers would have appreciated: “The Kiki Men’s and Ladies Wet T-shirt Competition scheduled to be held at Monsoons today has been postponed. This has been done after concerns have been raised that it is not an appropriate activity for this special commemorative day on the Australian calendar … We apologise for our naive approach and lack of proper thought when organising our activities calendar. We hope everyone enjoys a safe Anzac Day. LEST WE FORGET.” Unquote.

Swined and died

Finally, one from IraqNews.com “Three Islamic State militants died late Sunday when wild boars attacked them in southern Kirkuk, a local source was quoted saying. The animals went on a rampage near a farmland in al-Rashad region, an Islamic State pocket 53km south of Kirkuk. They attacked the militants and left three killed, according to the source.” Strewth would have liked “Boared to death” in the headline, while our colleague Rick Morton plumps for “Tusk justice”. Former Strewth stunt double James Morrow, who has an uncanny ability to find a gastronomic angle in many things, suggests “Ham causes croaked monsieurs”.

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