Strewth: act of dog owner

Barnaby Joyce should take a bow after an apology video from Johnny Depp and Amber Heard.

There were times yesterday that Malcolm Turnbull looked like he might be wondering if this whole proroguing parliament malarky was worthwhile. Picture Kym Smith

When the time comes to count Barnaby Joyce’s achievements, one of the most prominent ought to be his responsibility for one of the greatest pieces of video performance art ever to grace the small screens of this nation. We speak of course of Johnny Depp and Amber Heard’s video apologising for bringing their dogs Pistol and Boo into Australia (more hilarious details in the news pages). While Heard holds forth on the importance of biosecurity, Depp speaks of the uniqueness of Australians and how they are “both warm and direct”. The whole thing oozes an air of sedate sadness and possible deprivation of liberty. As one commenter put it on Joyce’s Facebook page: “Well, this looks suspiciously like a hostage video. I think someone has a pistol to Boo behind the camera.” It’s only fitting that Depp — one of the feted actors of his generation — is particularly outstanding, doing a remarkable impersonation of a man attacked by a giant paralysis wasp and now in the throes of being slowly devoured alive from the inside by wasp grubs. That said, it might just be jet lag. Joyce was modest. Asked about the video’s genesis, Joyce said there were discussions but not “directly through me”.

Falling water

There were times yesterday that Malcolm Turnbull looked like he might be wondering if this whole proroguing parliament malarky was worthwhile. Exhibit A: this Turnbull triptych. He certainly looked happier when he was in the PM’s courtyard holding a joint presser with Defence Minister Marise Payne and navy chief Tim Barrett. Unfortunately no one remembered to switch off the water feature, an impressive waterfall a handful of metres away. Some noises you can filter out, but not this roaring spattering. The strain to hear the PM above the noise prompted flashbacks to Tony Abbott’s farewell press conference, a sombre event rendered farcical by the Seven News helicopter hovering noisily but pointlessly above. Yesterday, Turnbull had to ask at least one journalist to speak up. That said, some sentences of Turnbull’s sliced clean through the noise. For example: “Not for the first time Senator Conroy has disgraced himself …”

A word in edgewise

Labor senator Doug Cameron also held a press conference, and nothing drowns him out. The transcript reveals that when it comes to the politician-to-media word ratio, he was a clear winner, getting out 630 words compared with the fourth estate, which got in just one. Let us note that that single word was “unintelligible”.

Judgment from above

One bloke in the public gallery enriched democracy’s discourse by flipping the bird at Labor MPs below. Barely had the finger gone up, a parliamentary attendant suddenly materialised and it looked as if an ejection was in the offing. But then, after a quick word with someone else, the attendant was gone, the digital communicator remained and free speech lived to fight another day.

Just to be clear

From the ABC’s AM program yesterday, a short episode of But Tell Us What You Really Mean:

Michael Brissenden: “You would have seen over the (Construction Forestry Mining and Energy Union’s) advertisements which say the laws will leave building workers with less rights than ice dealers with no right to a lawyer of their choice and no right to remain silent. That’s pretty extraordinary if it’s true.”

George Brandis: “It’s an extraordinary claim. It is an utterly dishonest and hysterical claim.”

Brissenden issued a short request for a clarification: “Not true?”