Strewth: A time of gifts

What would happen if Anthony Albanese and Christopher Pyne played Santa to one another?

One of the delightful things we learned yesterday was that New Zealand has a nationwide secret Santa ritual. Indeed, even Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern has got involved. Australia has nothing quite like it, of course, but it did get us wondering what it would be like if, say, the odd couple of Australian politics — Anthony Albanese and Christopher Pyne — were to play Santa to each other. What, once they’d descended each other’s chimneys, would these Father Christmases deposit beneath each other’s trees? Albo, being Albo, reached for the magical trinity of tunes, a brewery and an axe-throwing establishment. Natch. “A day in Sydney,” Albo told Strewth, before outlining the yuletide program for his regular sparring partner. “Albo Ale at Willie the Boatman (brewery), followed by axe-throwing at Maniax next door to keep his hand in, then to see Polish Club to re-educate him musically.” The perfect day out for two renaissance men! Pyne was a little more streamlined with his Santa plan for the man he insists on addressing more formally as Anthony, offering just this: “An ice pick for Bill.” An unexpectedly Stalinist choice for such a Liberal Party stalwart. But strip away some of the extras and both are in a similar groove.

Simply the beast

What Christmas present, though, could possibly top George Brandis’s gift to the nation? Yesterday, as the former attorney-general relived for journalists his conversation with Malcolm Turnbull vis-a-vis replacing Alexander Downer as high commissioner in London, Brandis had the Prime Minister declaring, “I want a big beast, I want somebody who is politically a big beast.” Let that percolate through your brain. Pour yourself a little gin if it helps. Meanwhile, in the spirit of those movie posters that heavily edit a critical review to make it sound like an endorsement, here’s a little sliver of what Labor’s Tanya Plibersek had to say on the appointment: “I’ve got nothing against George Brandis, I wish him well, for the sake of the nation I hope he is a great success in this job.”

Wyatt not

Given the Australian political system features both a Ken Wyatt (the federal Aged Care and Indigenous Health Minister) and his cousin Ben Wyatt (Western Australia’s Treasurer and Aboriginal Affairs Minister), the chances of a mix-up were always high. In the end the prize was taken by the National Indigenous Times, which illustrated a Ben story with Ken’s genial face. Tweeted Ben, “Hey @KenWyattMP I know I’m going a little ‘salt and pepper’ but apparently faster than I thought!”

Not against the groyne

Sydney’s The Daily Telegraph plugged a story from the Central Coast Express Advocate yesterday. Beneath the headline “Gladys impressed by large groyne” was a dangling participle: “Weighing 6000 tonnes and over 100m long, (NSW) Premier Gladys Berejiklian couldn’t take her eyes off the new rock groyne at the Entrance.” We’ve seen Berejiklian and she’s nowhere near that big. (For those who, like us, are wondering what a groyne is, the internet informs us, “a low wall … built out into the sea from a beach to check erosion and drifting”.)

Greatest Katteration

Going back to the topic of gifts, we must — as we cast our eye back across the year — salute Bob Katter for this effort in question time on August 10 (doubling as a birthday present for yours truly): “Secularist attacks upon Christianity inundate. Nativity scenes gone. Star removed from Christmas trees. Now Queensland’s government eradicates Christian moral teachings from schoolyards. Can we be assured that the replacement won’t be humanism — to quote Lenin, ‘Communism’s father and mother’? Stalin, Mao, 72 million dead. Or Charles Darwin, Adolf Hitler’s master race, 26 million dead? And that education in Australia tells of Pax Romanus replacing Roman tyranny. Bishop Langton’s Magna Carta, the abolition of slavery, the collapse of communism and history’s six greatest scientists, all this from the carpenter preacher from Nazareth?” The question was directed at George Brandis, who was in the Senate, so the job of responding fell to Justice Minister Michael Keenan, who got up, said “Yes”, then sat down again.

Looking back, and up

Speaking of the above, we adjourned to a public house yesterday with the learned Jack the Insider to review the year. Something may eventually emerge for your edification on this august organ’s website; the electric organ, if you will. If any of it is coherent, it will be testament to the skills of video producer, Taylor Denny. Wish us all luck.

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