Step up, Barnsie

An outraged Jimmy Barnes leapt online yesterday following reports he’d star in I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here.

The message on Bronwyn Bishop’s website.

Balmain boys don’t cry. And lads from the Largs Pier Hotel don’t do reality TV. An outraged Jimmy Barnes leapt on to Facebook yesterday following reports he’d star in the next series of I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here. “There is absolutely no truth to that rumour,” he insisted. “I don’t do or watch those reality shows. I’m a singer, not a celebrity.” A singer — but a singer with some cheeky fans. Like the one who posted the response: “I dunno … I think I’d like to see you on dancing with the Stars.”

This does compute

For years the question around Liberal circles and Capital Hill — indeed, across the land — has been: “How does Bronwyn Bishop keep her hair in place?” What if it was because she was an android? A reader poses the question after logging on to the former madam speaker’s website and getting the message “The file could not be created” across that famous do. It’s worth asking in the wake of the member for Mackellar’s recent declaration she’s staying on to tackle the “threat of terrorism”. It sounds very much like the automaton IDAK from Lost in Space — that’s the Instant Destroyer and Killer — and its refrain of “Crush … Kill … Destroy”.

Taking a shot online

How does one break tragic news gently, particularly at this time of year? Since 2014, the poetically titled Chicks Smashing Grunters has not just provided the nation’s female hunters with a magazine about the joys of shooting razorbacks but offered a window into a world for all the rest of us we rarely get to see. Why, there have even been lonely heart ads. Now comes the sad news from its founder, Top Ender Lou Warren, that despite a rising readership, the magazine will go into hiatus. But before anyone does anything rash with their rifles, the good news is the Facebook page will continue.

Long live the MPs

Two delightful silly season factoids, courtesy of usually staid British Medical Journal. New research in Britain shows that death rates for members of the House of Commons since the end of World War II have been 29 per cent lower than those of the general population, taking account of differences such as age and gender. Matters are even rosier for the esteemed peers of the House of Lords. Their expected mortality rates are 37 per cent below an equivalent sample of the general population. All of which adds an entirely new dimension to the term parliamentary privilege.

Big ta to Cormanator?

Blink and you’ll miss it, but there towards the end of the closing titles of The Force Awakens is a thankyou to “George Osborne, Chancellor of the Exchequer and First Secretary of State, United Kingdom” and “Ed Vaizey, Minister of State for Culture and the Digital Economy”. The British finance minister, a Star Wars nerd, was able to finagle the name-check as part of the tax-concession package that saw the latest instalment of the saga shot west of London at Pinewood Studios. Which raises the question: will we see something similar with the Thor sequel and the next episode of Ridley Scott’s Alien prequel Prometheus, which received federal funding in last week’s mid-year economic and fiscal outlook? Who’s the comics buff? Who loves their sci-fi horror? Finance Minister Mathias Cormann is more than relaxed about his “Cormanator” nickname. It can’t all be down to the digital kid Wyatt Roy.

Nattily close shave

A last-minute gift idea, from Amazon: the goatee shaper. “A shaving template designed to shape and form your goatee. Saves time by allowing precise shaving of your desired goatee shape every day. Eliminates crooked goatees and those occasional shaving mishaps. Adjustable to fit most size faces.” All that is fine, but does the shaver tell the user they’re so behind the trends?

Shunting Shorten

Cruel line of the day, from Facebook: “Just heard a guy named ‘Bill Shorten’ on the radio. Remember him? Where is Bill working these days? Anyone know?” Please. It is the season of goodwill.

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