Simon Birmingham’s JobCheaper

Things are getting waterfront ugly in Parliament House’s wage negotiations. Two young Labor staffers were apprehended by security last Thursday for handing out authorised union material.

Finance minister Simon Birmingham.

Things are getting waterfront ugly in Parliament House’s wage negotiations. Two young Labor staffers were apprehended by security last Thursday for handing out authorised union material at the entrance to the Staff Dining Room. The pair were detained and interrogated by at least five guards, then told off for not taking out a permit or booking the protest area in the front of the building. Photos were taken of their security passes for an “official report” and the flyers were confiscated. The Labor staffers were also informed the incident would be referred to the Presiding Officers (Speaker Tony Smith and Senate President Scott Ryan) for further action — such as banning them from the building. Standover tactics that would make any union boss proud. Witnesses say the pair calmly complied and moved on. When Strewth asked the Department of Parliament Services about their brute force, we were met with stony silence. Why are things heating up? After a COVID delay, the Department of Finance is holding a secret ballot for political staffers this Friday on the new Commonwealth MOPS Enterprise Agreement 2020-23. Being close to Christmas, many offices have cut back their casuals — and only those currently working can vote. Ironic, given Finance Minister Simon Birmingham helped staff push through a pay rise during his tenure as an electorate officer for senator Robert Hill in the 1990s. Under the current agreement, which expired in April, staff are paid a salary between $50,956 and $269,631, with a 2 per cent bump every year. There are also additional allowances (worth tens of thousands of dollars) for overtime, vehicles and travel they can pocket. The new agreement includes an immediate six-month wage freeze and doesn’t state what staffers’ pay will be in the years to come. Instead, it ties salaries to the private sector Wage Price Index, which is trending down towards 1 per cent. The unions are crying wage theft, arguing that the proposed EBA doesn’t protect staff against a possible pay cut (actual or against the CPI). Labor wants its staff to vote no. “If members did vote ‘yes’ for this it would be like a turkey voting in favour of Christmas,” the United Services Union told comrades. The Liberal and Nationals staff are divided, with one very vocal chorus of ministerial staffers pushing for yes. One blue-wing warrior told Strewth: “Yes we work long hours but a lot of Australians are doing it really hard. It’s pretty simple; we shouldn’t get a pay rise until the country is back on its feet — end of discussion.” We hear there have been many angry emails exchanged, and senior Liberals are worried their own will vote it down. A bad sign for the government’s IR legislation?

Thanks a latte

Forget the goats cheese curtain, latte belt and quinoa corridor. “Adaptogenic lattes and mushroom coffees” is the first personal investment by Meghan Markle in her post-royal life. FYI … adaptogens are herbs and roots used in Chinese medicine. Megxit’s gone all in with the “woman-led, mission-driven wellness company” Clevr Blends, a small California company with six employees. It sells its four kinds of “instant superlatte blends” online for $37 a bag (matcha, chai, golden and coffee), or $158 for a kit with all four plus a “rechargeable frother + a Fellow travel mug”. The Duchess of Sussex has roped in friend and billionaire Oprah Winfrey to spruik it to her 19.2m Instagram followers. Unfortunately for caffeine addicts looking for a hit this Christmas, it won’t be available for shipping down under until January.

Heel for you

Don’t know what to buy dad this year? How about “COVID-19 SURVIVOR” one-size-fits-all socks? Twitterati Andrew White spotted the, ahem, tasteful red and green socks — patterned with that spiky fuzzball we’ve seen every day since March — for sale in his local Canberra Bubble™ Australia Post. Forget Cartier watches, this is a must-have stocking filler to commemorate the end of this Wuhan Clan year. So, is rona the first virus to have “I Survived” merchandise? We can’t see “SYPHILIS SURVIVOR” T-shirts flying off the shelves. “I lived through Bird Flu and all I got was this lousy bumper sticker” could be a bestseller. To play devil’s avocado — are the classy hosiery a tad presumptuous, given we haven’t eradicated the Wuhan Clan? Tempting fate with nan and pop, perhaps? We have heard COVID unkindly referred to as the “boomer remover”. If pandemic foot covers don’t take your fancy, how about a wall-mountable BatteryMaster battery organiser (“holds 93 batteries!”) or a DermaSuction device to “suck the yuck out of your pores”? Tragically, the vial of “Authentic Sand From Gallipoli” is no longer available in Gungahlin. Australia Post — selling $2 shop crap at $10 prices.

Australia Post tastefully getting into the spirit of the season 🦠🎄 pic.twitter.com/E4Tege158A

— A n d r e w (@andrewwhiteau) December 15, 2020

Tony award

Hamilton, Keating … now Tony? The life of Tony Blair is set to hit the stage next year with a rather colourful cast of characters. Tony! (A Tony Blair Rock Opera), with lyrics by comedian Harry Hill, will be performed in February at the Turbine Theatre, Battersea Power Station. COVID pending, of course. According to the theatre, it will play “fast and loose with the facts, owing as much to Citizen Kane as it does to the Marx Brothers”, offering a “reckless reappraisal” of the Labour Party’s most successful leader, who was in power for 10 years from 1997. Publicity for the spectacle says it is “the story of how one man went from peace-loving, long-haired hippie and would-be popstar to war-mongering millionaire in just a couple of decades”. Blair-ites may recall the former British prime minister once played guitar in a band called Ugly Rumours and hosted Britpop’s biggest stars at No 10 Downing Street. He became Britain’s youngest prime minister since Lord Liverpool in 1812 when he won the landslide election aged 42 in 1997, breaking 18 years of Tory rule. Characters include Blair’s wife Cherie, successor Gordon Brown, press secretary Alastair Campbell, terrorist Osama bin Laden, US president George W Bush and his War on Terror, executed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein and people’s princess Diana (who died in Paris during Blair’s first year in office). No word yet on whether John Winston Howard and his Australian walking tracksuits will make the cut.

Showbiz for uggos

Victorian Attorney-General Jill Hennessy consciously uncoupled from Dan Andrews’ frontbench on Wednesday, the sixth minister to go this year — and two days before the roast of our elected representatives in the 2020 Strewth Awards. Coincidence? Keep your suggestions coming in for categories and contenders. Winners (and losers) will be announced right here on Friday. Who will be crowned the Quiet Australian of the Year? Or take home the Bill Shorten Memorial Lettuce for worst exchange with a member of the public — an excellent suggestion by the New Daily’s Josh Butler. One early prize we’re happy to hand out is the prestigious Golden Toilet Paper for most mentions in this humble column (we promise, it’s not a smear campaign). Prime Minister Scott Morrison took out the top roll with 151 name drops. What a way to celebrate the one year anniversary of the Messiah from the Shire’s “I don’t hold a hose, mate” trip to Hawaii. The runner up was Opposition Leader and occasional DJ Anthony Albanese with a not too shabby 89 mentions. Treasurer Josh Frydenberg came in third with 55 and former Labor leader Bill Shorten fourth on 50. Barnaby Joyce, Michael McCormack, Peter Dutton, Joel Fitzgibbon, Mathias Cormann and Greg Hunt rounded out the top 10. We can’t decide if the top 10 being devoid of women is a good or a bad thing. Pauline Hanson and Bridget McKenzie tied for No 11. Also in the top 20 Strewth favourites of 2020 were Bob Katter, Simon Birmingham, Penny Wong, Kristina Keneally, Angus Taylor, Christian Porter, Jim Chalmers and David Littleproud. Our stellar statisticians at Streem pointed out that we failed to mention at least 40 federal politicians this year, spent 70 per cent of our time focusing on the lower house and only mentioned the Northern Territory 10 times — something we wholeheartedly vow to rectify in 2021. Watch out NT Labor Senator Malarndirri McCarthy and NT Country Liberal Sam McMahon! (Just kidding … or are we?)

Taking suggestions for categories and contender for the 2020 Strewth Awards!

Ideas thus far...
Quiet Australian of the Year
Bronwyn Bishop Silver Chopper (for most outrageous taxpayer spend)
Most Miserable Ghost (for former PMs)
Julie Bishop Fashion Diplomacy Prize

— Alice Workman (@workmanalice) December 16, 2020

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