Purple rain in Grafton

“Grafton awaits jacaranda blossoms as usual,” read the front page of the Clarence Valley independent, hours after Josh Frydenberg delivered the biggest deficit since WWII.

Northern NSW has more crushing concerns than the budget.

“GRAFTON AWAITS JACARANDA BLOSSOMS AS USUAL,” read the front page of the Clarence Valley independent, hours after Josh Frydenberg delivered the biggest deficit since WWII. You don’t get further outside the Canberra Bubble™ than that! The free weekly rag in the Northern NSW has more crushing concerns than semantic squabbling over the “Morrison Recession” (see Sketch). “If you asked the people of Grafton … I don’t think the budget would win a poll of what’s important,” local Nationals MP Kevin Hogan told Strewth. Why? Their annual Jacaranda Festival, an 86-year tradition, has been COVID cancelled. “It’s the oldest floral festival in Australia,” the assistant Minister explained. “To the extent that the Jacaranda Queen would be crowned in Market Square in front of thousands.” The purple pageant was scheduled to run from October 29 to November 7. Now local businesses have been left heartbroken. But … “the trees will still flower,” Hogan wistfully observed.

Hasta La Vista

Before Scott Morrison named Mathias Cormann as Australia’s nomination for OECD boss, the real Mathias popped up on the PM’s favourite ABC show. Strewth’s spies suggest Morrison moved up the reshuffle — which sees Simon Birmingham take Finance and Senate leader, with Michaelia Cash as deputy — after the outgoing cabinet minister was not particularly helpful with budget 2020. But back to Shaun Micallef’s Mad As Hell, where the Cormannator made a cameo to farewell Darius Horsham, the Belgium caricature constantly chewing a cigar and calling others “economic girly men” (played by Stephen Hall).

Cormann: “If you’re writing your memoirs and you need someone to record the audiobook for you. I’m available.”

Horsham: “Oh, come on. Don‘t be ridiculous. You sound nothing like me.”

Cormann: “Well, that makes two of us.”

Horsham: “What are YOU going to do, by the way? You’ve always said you are not a commentator. Personally, I think that would make you perfect for Sky News After Dark. What do you say?”

Cormann: “Nah. I think I might fly some choppers in Esperance. You could help me write The Book Of Cormann if you're interested.”

Horsham: “Really? You want me to help you?”

Cormann: “Yeah, Christopher Pyne pulled out at the last minute.”

Horsham: “Oh, I don’t know. Is that really me?”

Cormann: “Come with me if you want to live.”

(Cue: The Terminator Theme music.)

Trump goes viral

The Prime Minister hasn’t spoken to Donald Trump since the US President’s miraculous recovery from the White House clusterf..k. “I’ve got several messages to him, wishing him and Melania well for his recovery,” Morrison said. “I remember speaking to Boris (Johnson) not long after he returned to work and it really knocked him about.” As for the first Tuesday in November? “I wish him and Melania well and for the rest of their campaign but, you know, whichever way that election goes, one thing that is sure is that the Australia-US relationship has never been stronger.” Briefly — ScoMo also weighed into whether a Sydney woman should have been told to cover up while sunbathing in a “cheeky” bikini at her unit block’s pool. “I’m surprised that it even applied. I tell you what though, as the father of daughters I might have some dress standards and conditions, but that’s for families to sort out.”

Lower the Zoom gates

Does Josh Frydenberg have Zoom for one more? The Treasurer’s week of speed dating isn’t over yet. On Friday he’s heading a virtual breakfast for the Victorian Liberals Higgins 200 Club, where he’ll face a grilling from Peter Costello (and this paper’s own Judith Sloan). The 1h 15 minute event is hosted by Liberal MP Dr Katie Allen.

One sweat day

As James Packer mumbled through evidence to the Crown inquiry evidence, his former fiancée was stealing the spotlight. Mariah Carey explained to The Guaridan why her rocky relationship with the billionaire – including Kerry Stokes’ intervention to stop their lavish Tahian wedding – failed to rate a mention in her recent tome. “If it was a relationship that mattered, it’s in the book. If not, it didn’t occur,” the diva says. “We didn’t have a physical relationship, to be honest with you.” Ouch! No wonder Packer was sweating on the stand! Although, that could be down to his Zoom location – floating in the South Pacific on $200m yacht IJE, where we hear humidity is a steamy 72 per cent.

Vote early, vote often

A date for your election diaries! The Groom by-election will be held on November 28. Add that to ACT / NZ on October 17; Queensland, Oct 31; Moldova, November 1; USA, Nov 3; Myanmar, Nov 8; Jordan, Nov 10; Bosnia, Nov 15; Kuwait, Nov 28; Venezuela, December 6; Ghana, Dec 7; and Nigeria, Dec 27.

COVID centenary

Final word to Dan Andrews. By our calculations, Saturday marks the Victorian Premier’s 100th daily press conference. Will he get a letter from the Queen?

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