Pollies on the sauce

The forensically frank Bill Heffernan has a new (old) idea — randomly breath testing politicians and staff on their way into work.

The forensically frank Bill Heffernan has a new (old) idea — randomly breath testing politicians and staff on their way into work. The former Liberal senator is most fondly remembered for the time he pulled a pipe bomb out of a Coles bag in Senate estimates. His motivation that day in 2014 was to highlight shortcomings in Parliament House security, a point he made in two parts: a length of lead pipe and a trio of candles taped together with an old phone charger. “It could blow a tree the size of this building out of the ground,” he claimed at the time. When Strewth reached him on Monday, Heffernan was reflecting on the allegations by Brittany Higgins that she was raped by a colleague while intoxicated inside then defence industry minister Linda Reynolds’ office after a night of drinking on March 23, 2019. “I can’t believe that security would have let them through. If I was there I wouldn’t have let them in. If we had some rules, we could apply some rules. Without rules they’re in no man’s land.” Heffernan first called for random drug and alcohol screening back in 2007. Then prime minister John Howard rejected the idea but noted: “I think the point Bill’s simply making is that if that there’s evidence — there’s a problem with politicians — then they should be treated no different from anybody else.” Current Prime Minister Scott Morrison said he had “no problem with drug tests for politicians” in 2019, after his government proposed welfare recipients face a pee test. Heffernan thinks now would be a pertinent time to revisit the idea. “If you know you’d be tested if you went to parliament pissed, you probably wouldn’t go to parliament pissed,” Heffernan said. “I just think what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. And if it’s good enough to test people who go to work in an abattoir … then we should lead by example.”

Easy as Pi

Can you spot the mistake in WA One Nation’s how-to-vote cards for the safe Labor state seat of Morley? It starts off strong, reminding democracy lovers to “number every box as shown” on their March 13 ballot. Then things get numerically interesting. There’s a one (next to the Australian Christian Party candidate) and a two (No Mandatory Vaccination) but no three or four … and One Nation’s own Julian Scully is number 7. Whoops! Queensland HQ tried to tell Strewth it was fake news and someone was playing “silly buggers”. But the truth was much simpler. WA One Nation president Rod Caddies confessed to accidentally tweeting the wrong image last week, when responding to someone literally asking how to vote. Caddies confirmed he is in charge of writing the cards and likely clicked on the wrong file. We’ve been assured the instructions have since been updated to make sure One Nation doesn’t encourage informal votes among Perth’s inner-north. Maybe Pauline Hanson needs to bring in Count von Count from the Muppets?

Flip side

“If the Prime Minister’s watching, I’m sorry I didn’t recognise you, but you’re very nice. Much nicer than on television,” Jane Malysiak admitted about Scott Morrison, the day after her debut jab. “I did not recognise him until later on, when I asked ‘Where is the Prime Minister?’” Fair enough, given ScoMo was sporting his Australian flag mask during their close encounter of the Pfizer kind. In good news, Australia’s first vaccine recipient is side-effect free, “no pain, no mark, no nothing”. But the WWII survivor still hasn’t mastered Winston Churchill’s “V” (for vaccine). “I’ve never known about it, so now I’ve learned something. Even then, I did the wrong thing. I showed it this way. Is this the right way?” the 84-year-old asked as she gave the camera another “up yours”. Sky News host Laura Jayes replied, “The other way, Jane.” Strewth is choosing to take Malysiak’s freelancing as an “up yours” to anti-vaxxers and COVID-19. Meanwhile, in the ACT, Dr Nick Coatsworth had a present for Health Minister Greg Hunt on day dot — a pair of snazzy vaccine socks. “You’ll notice that there is a needle and a spike protein in its last moments,” Hunt showed journos. “And that’s symbolic of what today is about.”

Boys will be boys

Eyebrows were raised when Bruce Billson was announced as the new small business ombudsman, replacing Kate Carnell. “The government has just put the franchise Dracula of Australia in charge of the franchise bloodbank,” Labor’s Deborah O’Neill said. Matt Keogh said it “demonstrates the Morrison government’s disregard for ministerial standards.” Avid readers may recall the former Liberal MP and Abbott small business minister was censured by parliament back in 2018, for undeclared payments while he was still in office. After being dumped from the ministry by Malcolm Turnbull, Billsondeciding not to contest the 2016 election and announced he was taking a job as the executive director of business lobby group Franchise Council of Australia However, he did not update his register of interests to note he had begun receiving a $75,000 salary for his final months in office.

Muffin compares

Conspiracy theory-loving Liberal MP Craig Kelly sold his Sutherland Shire home under the hammer for $1.651m on the weekend, above the $1.5m price guide. It’s quite the appreciation in value since his wife Vicki purchased the property for $997k in 2010, eight months before Kelly was first elected. We’re told muffins were supplied for the 70 or so attendees (is that COVIDSafe?) as they watched three bidders battle it out for the split-level five bedder. Kelly’s office phone was off the hook when Strewth called to ask about his post-settlement living plans … but that may have more to do with the allegations of inappropriate behaviour made about his senior aide, than Kelly’s future in the seat of Hughes.

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