Outbreak at Parliament House

Forget coronavirus. Parliament House’s childcare centre is battling a different outbreak.

Forget the coronavirus (or COVID-19, as the World Health Organisation officially has named the deadly disease). Parliament House’s childcare centre is battling an outbreak of the highly contagious hand, foot and mouth disease. Not that anyone knows.

The Department of Parliamentary Services, which runs the building, hasn’t officially informed the families of kids at the centre or notified all the building’s occupants. The childcare centre is next to the dining room used by those working in Parliament House. Known colloquially as the Trough, the dining room shares an outdoor courtyard with the cooped-up kids. Few of the parents (including politicians) Strewth spoke to knew the common children’s virus — which causes a fever, sore throat, rash and blisters in the mouth, palms of hands and soles of the feet for a few weeks — was spotted last week when sitting resumed for 2020. According to NSW Health, it can be passed easily from person to person and usually causes a mild illness in children under 10, but it also can leave adults debilitated and bedridden. After three days of phone calls and emails, DPS refused to give us any information — such as how many kids are affected or what quarantine process had been put in place to prevent the spread of the disease — citing privacy reasons. One Labor MP pointed out: “Parliament House is a perfect breeding ground for a supervirus to spread. People bring all their germs from every part of the country into this giant, airconditioned building. It’s worse than a plane. It’s a cesspit for bacteria and infection.” Wash your hands, folks!

Spread the virus word

On the beer virus: According to Chief Medical Officer Brendan Murphy, “there is no reason for people to be wearing masks”. Spread the word.

Dunny whodunit

One of Strewth’s Senate spies spotted a bleak scene in a bathroom outside the upper house chamber — a dead pot plant on the basin. After closer inspection we suspect it is a maidenhair fern. As this column’s previous owner loved to detail, Parliament House is scattered with triffid-like botanics in huge pots that loom threateningly outside the chamber doors. But DPS emphatically denied it has joined the millennial indoor pot plant craze and refused responsibility (one question it didn’t seem to have a problem answering quickly). So, who put it there? The adjacent office of deputy government whip James McGrath had no leads. Perhaps it was the same person who caused this sign to be drilled into the wall of every bathroom in the Senate wing (but not ministerial or House of Representatives) of the building: “Some people are leaving this toilet in a mess. Your habits are a reflection of you. Please leave the toilet clean for the next user.” Democracy really is a messy business.

Mug’s game

The $35 “official Back in Black” coffee cup is still for sale in the Liberal Party’s online shop, despite suggestions the surplus may have been wiped by the coronavirus and bushfires. The mug’s description rewrites history slightly: “The 2019 Budget delivers the first surplus in more than a decade. Mark this event with the official Back in Black mug.” As tense time wizard Scott Morrison explained during last year’s election campaign:

Morrison: “I think Australians can trust us to keep it in surplus.”

Sabra Lane: “It’s not in surplus now.”

Morrison: “I said next year. I said we brought the budget back to surplus next year.”

Where there’s a Wills

Nationals minister Darren Chester has an idea for the rumoured royal visit. The Prime Minister is expected to issue a formal invitation to Prince William and Kate Middleton this week to visit bushfire-ravaged towns, with taxpayers likely to foot the bill. The 2014 jaunt by the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge cost quiet Australians more than $474,000. But Chester — who assures us he’s feeling fine after collapsing during Wednesday’s Close the Gap speech and being sent to hospital for tests — is excited to have the Cambridges visit. “One thing about the royals, they do boost morale of a community and we’ve been through a pretty tough time in Gippsland,” he said. “I’m going to make my pitch straight away. The Buchan Caves actually have a thing called the Royal Cave, so surely we’ve gotta be the first off the rank there and request a royal visit to the Royal Cave.” Labor leader Anthony Albanese is also keen: “You know, I am a very staunch Republican. But the fact is that I think that they will bring a bit of positive energy. And good on them for doing so. I’m sure that they’ll be welcomed.”

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