One Nation party’s woe and piss

One Nation press conference like a chat with two patients left conscious during brain surgery.

So it came to pass, during a press conference that felt like a chat with two patients left conscious during major brain surgery, that Australia was left asking itself a big question: Who among us hasn’t got so pissed we’ve flown to America and lobbied the National Rifle Association for $20 million? After their outing by Al Jazeera, One Nation booze brothers Steve Dickson and James Ashby delivered a mesmerisingly strange piece of performance art that sheeted home the blame for their US firearm-based shenanigans to alcohol and Qatar; it’s not often you hear an alibi that combines piss and the Middle East, but such was the power of yesterday’s afternoon of rolling miracles. And the longer Australia’s most munted went on, the harder it was to feel certain the pair had yet sobered up. Indeed, Strewth began to reflect with some shame on having assumed that Ashby might have peaked after his starring role in an episode of fisticuffs and blood with former One Nation senator Brian Burston. As the newest episode of Is That a Gun Lobby in Your Pocket or are You Just Pissed to See Me staggered on, we were reminded Ashby has as many peaks as the Andes. The mood of the presser swung wildly from indignation to existential crisis, from an almost incontinent urge to confess unrelated human shortcomings to what looked like a barely restrained urge to sock a journalist. It all seemed such a long way from One Nation’s earlier, formal response to its Al Jazeera outing. “The matter has been referred to ASIO and the Australian Federal Police due to concerns of foreign interference into Australian politics in the lead-up to the imminent federal election.” Coming from a party that tried to procure a Himalaya of cash from a foreign organisation in the lead-up to the imminent federal election, that was almost worthy of a standing ovation. It also seemed a long way from Dickson’s supposed drunk talk in the Al Jazeera recording: “We get the balance of power, very simply that means that we have the testicles of the government in our hand at every given stage.” (A mental image most of us could probably do without.) Anyway, as Ashby said towards the end: “No one likes being hoodwinked in this country.” While both true and apposite, it was Dickson who, after being nudged to wrap it up, gave the perfect ending: “Sorry about sweating but it’s hot. Thank you.” Alas, Pauline Hanson was not available; in the spirit of Jeffrey Bernard, she was unwell.

One Nation under Rod

Elsewhere, Rod Culleton — one of that vast group we know as the One Nation alumni association — was in the sort of reflective mood you’d expect of the man who represents the party’s golden age of reason: “No more wheels left on the cart. She’s upside down in a ditch and on fire!” Nationals deputy leader Bridget McKenzie appeared to show the effects of watching too much of the press conference when she tried explaining why not putting One Nation last wasn’t tantamount to condoning racism: “You can walk gum and chew at the time.” A novel form of exercise we’d be curious to see her try.

New chum here

It’s all a bit rude to One Nation’s freshest elected representative, Mark Latham. It was only on March 17 that this wide-eyed dreamer tweeted in good faith, “Well done Jacinda Ardern in tightening NZ gun laws to bring them into line with Aust. Due to 1996 Howard laws our country has been blessed to avoid public massacres for 23 yrs. These laws also respect rights of law abiding recreational shooters. NSW One Nation supports them 100 per cent.” Those were the days.

Wrong way to the top

It takes a bit to stop Janet Albrechtsen in her tracks. And yet we found her mortified after erroneously suggesting — in print and everything — that NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian had been the dux of her school, Peter Board High in Sydney’s North Ryde. That honour in fact fell to Gregory Seil. While we’re sure it’s all just water off a dux back, to ignore it feels against the spirit of the school’s motto, “Success through endeavour”. Albrechtsen has sent the dux Bruce Springsteen’s Glory Days for his listening pleasure.

Not saved by the Bill

With Michael Daley’s departure as NSW Labor leader (give us this day our Daley fled, amen), Bill Shorten was quizzed about his role: “NSW Labor ultimately made the decision. It’s ultimately Mr Daley’s consideration. He was the one who made the final decision. I did make clear, though, they shouldn’t have been said, those comments, in any circumstances.” For some reason we had a brief flashback to Sam Dastyari’s “I’ve been very, very strongly counselled by Bill Shorten.”

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