On the ropes

Andrew Hastie is recovering from rope burns on eight of his fingers — and a bruised ego — after losing a climbing competition to a seven-year-old named Mary.

Andrew Hastie.

Assistant Defence Minister Andrew Hastie is recovering from rope burns on eight of his fingers — and a bruised ego — after losing a climbing competition to a seven-year-old named Mary. The former SAS captain was at the Roleystone Gymnastics Club in Perth checking out some new equipment purchased with a $14,000 federal government grant when his fitbit enthusiasm took over. “I raced a seven-year-old pocket rocket,” Hastie explained to Strewth. “She beat me up the rope and I beat her on the way down. I forgot to wear double gloves, as you do when fast roping from a helicopter.” In the video replay, seen by Strewth, it took Mary just over 17 seconds to ring a bell in the rafters. (By our chalky calculations, she will be 18 by Brisbane 2032 — the perfect age to don the green and gold in Sports Climbing … if it’s still on the Olympics schedule.)

The significant height difference meant the soon-to-be 39-year-old was only a split second behind. However, after reaching the ceiling, he dangerously decided to drop to the ground barehanded and on the way, shed skin from his finger tips. Simone Biles would not be impressed “Thankfully (Mary’s) dad was my troop medic back in 2013! He just happened to be there and bandaged me in the car park,” Hastie said. Hence the tape covering his fingers during interviews this week over the surge in cyber crime and hacking. As a failed child gymnast, this columnist has suffered through the blistering pain of competitive rope burn on our feet (resulting in a few shoeless weeks of primary school). Luckily, in this instance, the member for Canning was cunningly sporting R.M. Williams.

Future Olympian Mary defeats Andrew Hastie.

Reporting for duty

Heston Russell.

That didn’t take long! Retired Special Forces commander Heston Russell told Strewth that he’s recruited 1500 members to his new political party and plans to submit an application to the Australian Electoral Commission on Friday. Less than two weeks ago, Russell informed his 100k Instagram followers that he wanted to fix the leadership crisis in Australia … from the inside. “This isn’t a race,” he said. “But we are literally coming last and we’re not even getting the participation certificate, we are literally tearing ourselves apart.” The Queenslander has yet to decide whether to run for a lower house or upper house seat at the next federal election. Perhaps he could ask Hastie for some advice? The Voice of a Veteran founder is an old friend of the WA Liberal MP, having spent four years together at the Australian Defence Force Academy and Duntroon. The question is: will he be a match for Clive Palmer’s cashed-up United Australia Party?

Vanquish the Demons

There’s no fence-sitting allowed in federal politics, particularly during the festival of the boot.

3AW host Neil Mitchell: “I know you're in Perth. Who are you supporting in the grand final — the real grand final?”

Hastie: “I’m a Dockers man so I'm pretty agnostic about who gets up.”

Mitchell: “Oh, come on. Come on. You're a politician, you’ve got to have somebody. It’s gotta be Melbourne or the Doggies!”

Hastie: “Look, I’ll go with Melbourne! I was born in Wangaratta. I'll go with Melbourne.”

Football too

Anthony Albanese is also backing the Demons to win their first AFL flag since 1964. Strewth presumes Scott Morrison will be supporting the Western Bulldogs at next weekend’s big dance, albeit on the down low. The Prime Minister has convenient AFL amnesia since rebranding as a rusted-on Cronulla Sharks supporter, and often claims he has no team. But we’ve got receipts to show he’s one of the club’s most famous fans, behind Chris Hemsworth, Wil Anderson, Merv Hughes and Julia Gillard. After a 2009 win, ScoMo tweeted he was “singing sons of the west, red, white and blue, we’ll come out snarling bulldogs thru and thru go doggies”.

is singing sons of the west, red white and blue, we'll come out snarling bulldogs thru and thru .... go doggies #afl

— Scott Morrison (@ScottMorrisonMP) September 11, 2009

Labouring the point

Since unshackling himself from a future in federal politics, Joel Fitzgibbon is redefining what it means to freelance. “I don’t like saying it but the facts tell us it is true that Labor is not the natural party of government at the federal level,” Fitz told 2CC radio. “We win when they are very tired of, or angry at, the other mob and Labor doesn’t look too scary.”

Family Guy

Victorian Opposition Leader Matthew Guy is off to a great start. A week after returning to the Liberals’ top job, Guy was forced to lobster crawl back at his first big press conference. It turns out there was an error in the list of demands he distributed via press release on Tuesday. See if you can spot it! “1. End the lockdown; 2. Commit to the national cabinet plan without reservation; 3. Get year 11 and 12 students back into the classroom for the start of term four; 4. Allow small outdoor family gatherings; 5. Bring Victorian families stranded interstate home as soon as possible; 6. Release the health advice upon which each and every restriction imposed is based; 7. Tell the truth about our hospitals and their growing waiting lists.” Any guesses? It’s dot point numero uno! “I apologise if that’s incorrect, it should certainly be the curfew,” Guy clarified, not the lockdown. Doesn’t inspire confidence.

David Southwick and Matthew Guy.

The Wedding Singer

LNP senator Gerard Rennick doesn’t have any plans to retire from politics but let slip to Strewth one item on his bucket list – joining a wedding band. The Queenslander plays guitar, piano and saxophone but said a fear of becoming a starving artist prevented him from pursing music as a career. Perhaps he can petition Tony Burke to join Labor’s pub rock band Left Right Out? After graduating from university, Rennick worked as an accountant by day in the Darling Downs and an actor in amateur theatre by night. Which makes sense if you’ve seen his Senate estimates performances with the Bureau of Meteorology. Rennick has also served on the Dalby Arts Council and recently donated to the Wondai Regional Art Gallery. “The best way to support the arts is to get rid of poker machines,” Rennick said. “Pubs should be for hanging out with friends and having a drink, not those bloody deadly one-arm bandits.”

Art lover Gerard Rennick.

RV there yet?

“Tonight discussing Afghanistan (again) at the dinner table,” MasterChef Adam Liaw tweeted. “My son (8) asks ‘What’s the Taliban?’ and my daughter (5) explains, ‘It’s like a house, but you can pull it behind a car.’ She thinks Afghanistan was being taken over by a caravan.”

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