On a (loo) roll

Quiet Australians should be wrapped! This wide brown land has won the Porcelain Prize of 2020 — the country with the most Google searches for toilet paper.

Quiet Australians should be wrapped! This wide brown land has won the Porcelain Prize of 2020 — the country with the most Google searches for toilet paper. That’s right. Aussies looked online for news on bog roll and where to find it more than any other nation. It was a total wipe out. Coming in at No 2 was Taiwan, followed by the US, Japan and Germany. Our search for a spare square started with Scott Morrison telling people to “stop hoarding” during the pandemic pandemonium because it was “un-Australian”. And, dare we add, anally retentive. The Prime Minister later claimed with “great relief” that Woolies and Coles were doubling operations, saying: “That’s the economy in motion.” Pun intended? “We have always gone about business with common sense,” ScoMo folded (or scrunched?) in. It’s worth noting that more than one government department’s preferred brand of toilet paper is called Scott. Strewth spies have spotted it piled high next to bathroom basins across the Canberra Bubble™, in what looks like a COVIDSafe bulk buy gone wrong. Scott is made by Kimberly-Clark, the PM’s fav loo roll factory in SA. “Ideal for use in workplace toilets, Scott® toilet rolls provide great value without compromising on quality and efficiency.” it says. “These two-ply toilet rolls deliver high-quality absorbency with each use.” A 400-sheet 48 pack will set you back $62.95 at Officeworks. Not too shabby considering that after the literal crapper fistycuffs, a 10-pack of three-ply Quilton sold for $120 on eBay. Another deja poo listing on underground brown market Gumtree had 16 Sorbent embossed rolls for $1600. The seller said: “I was asking for $150 per roll but have brought it down to $100 per roll, come on that’s cheap. It’s silky white, won’t be after use.” As Joni Mitchell wisely philosophised — you don’t know what you’ve got ’til its gone.

Is Don, is good

It appears Quiet Australians care more about Donald Trump and Joe Biden than Scott Morrison and “fires near me”. “US election” was the No 1 Googled term this year, beating out COVID-19 and toilet paper. According to Google Analytics, interest in the first Tuesday in November was even bigger than the bushfires, and five times higher than our last federal election in May 2019. In other odd Aussie news, searches for “tie dye track pants” spiked 5000 per cent to a record high and “branch stacking” was the third most searched definition of the year. “Barre” came in at eight on the dictionary list, ahead of “Karen” and “lockdown”, after ScoMo’s press conference pronunciation gaffe. Which was just plain em-barre-ssing.

Foiled again

With the traditional knees-up silly season cancelled, Strewth is very glad to see politicos getting creative. Labor MP Julian Hill walked into his Melbourne office on Monday to discover staff had pulled their annual end of year prank. Over 70 of Hill’s Christmas cards had been carefully positioned on every surface with a few centimetres gap in between. We’re talking floor, coffee table, desk, cupboards and chairs. What a festive domino. Strewth secretly hopes there’s footage of the Labor MP going full Godzilla destroying Tokyo, stamping over the scene.

A Christmas prank by Labor MP Julian Hill’s staff.

Chesty bonds

When the Melbourne marathon cancelled its 42km race because of COVID-19, Nationals pollie Darren Chester thought his over-10 year streak was over — until organisers offered a virtual option for die hard joggers. The Veterans Minister completed his 15th Melb Marathon over the weekend, running solo around Lakes Entrance in his electorate. “Admittedly, I hadn’t run longer than 10km for two months so it was always going to be tough but I was happy to get it done in 4hrs 28mins,” Chester (also known as the George Clooney of the Gippsland) said. “My slowest marathon, but in many ways the most challenging. No crowds, no one to run with, and not as fit as I should’ve been.” But dog Marlo did join him for 5km in the middle. Gallery whispers inform us that in the new year, Chester plans to team up with Warringah indie Zali Steggall and Labor MP Andrew Leigh to fire the starting pistol on the Parliamentary Friends of Running. Because of course they will.

Dutton dressed as …

Is Peter Dutton a celebrity? The Home Affairs Minister made it onto American tabloid TMZ’s slide show of “Stars Who’ve Battled Coronavirus”. With that rarely seen smile, he does have undeniable star power. Dutton took the coveted 32 spot (out of 33) alongside Real Housewives, a Kardashian, Tom Hanks, Harvey Weinstein, Placido Domingo, Prince Charles, and Ellen DeGeneres. He was the only Aussie on the list, a huge snub to Richard Wilkins. Fingers crossed this means Dutts will jump out of a helicopter on Jan 3 and into I’m A Celebrity … Get Me Out Of Here! — which, because of his overseas travel ban, was filmed in Murwillumbah, NSW, instead of the African jungle. Meanwhile, Perthanality Mathias Cormann started his 14-day self-quarantine (in an approved residence, not a hotel) on Thursday, after returning from his OECD working holiday corralling votes around Europe and South America in a $4300-per-flying-hour taxpayer-funded RAAF jet. Plane and simple.

Peter Dutton is on TMZ’s slideshow of “Stars Who’ve Battled Coronavirus”... pic.twitter.com/j7ZALa3dOM

— Alice Workman (@workmanalice) December 14, 2020

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