That takes the brisket at US embassy for Andrew Hastie, Kimberley Kitching and The Wolverines

Andrew Hastie and Kimberley Kitching have made a prominent American a member of a secret group known as The Wolverines.

Andrew Hastie, left, and Kimberley Kitching with US ambassador Arthur B. Culvahouse Jr on Monday night

Social distancing doesn’t stop soft diplomacy! Liberal MP Andrew Hastie and Labor senator Kimberley Kitching were spotted at the US embassy on Monday night, having an appropriately spaced dinner with the US ambassador to Australia, Arthur B Culvahouse Jr. It sounds like a riveting affair.

We hear Culvahouse was made an honorary member of The Wolverines, a secret bipartisan group formed to defend Australian sovereignty, which includes Liberal MPs Tim Wilson, Phil Thompson and Labor’s Anthony Byrne. The Canberra Wolverines’ name has American origins; it’s a reference to 1984 flick Red Dawn, where high school football stars Patrick Swayze and Charlie Sheen stop a Soviet invasion of the US. Culvahouse was even given their secret code — a small sticker with four claw marks.

Claws for thought: Liberal senator James Paterson with the secret code of The Wolverines.

Given the diplomatic chatter around China and COVID-19, Strewth would have loved to be a fly on the wall during that convo! But when we quizzed Kitching, she would only say: “It was a lovely evening, and ambassador Culvahouse is of course a very gracious host. I think it’s fair to say that a variety of topics were discussed.”

Hastie told us the main talk around the table was soft power via smoked meats. “I’ve been doing quite a bit of smoking on my Kamado Joe barbecue, including briskets,” the former SAS captain and chair of the powerful parliamentary joint committee on intelligence and security said. “My local butcher in Mandurah said we are about 15 years behind the US in our barbecuing. So I asked the ambassador to get (chef) Aaron Franklin out to Australia for some master classes in smoking briskets, Texas style.” We hope our invite is in the mail!

Andrew Hastie points the way to his local butcher. Picture: Kym Smith

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Making a meal of it

With the Canberra Bubble™ reactivated until Thursday, you would expect politicians to have been flooded with information about pandemic precautions and non-essential gatherings. (Or, fingers crossed, non-essential speeches).

Apparently not.

A worker cleans the coffee machine at the Coffee Hub in the Press Gallery at Parliament House in Canberra. Picture: AAP

Only one all-staff email has been issued by the Department of Parliamentary Services, which runs the building. And it was about the staff dining room, unkindly nicknamed “The Trough” by politicians and staffers.

“With the return of parliament and an increased level of activity in circulation spaces, new queuing arrangements will be in place for the Staff Dining Room from Tuesday 12 May,” DPS advised of the new signs and floor markings.

But what about the private, members only, dining room? We’re told it’s closed but the “In-Room Dining Service” — described by one backbencher as “very ordinary room service”— is still available.

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Lift off

As part of the “new normal”, signs have been posted outside the dozens of lifts around Parliament House announcing that a maximum of four people are allowed in. “Luxury!” exclaimed ABC presenter Raf Epstein, “curse those budget cuts, they’ve reduced us to two per lift!”

Raf Epstein. Picture: File

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Greens taking credit

Another addition to the growing list of “Greens taking credit for things” — in a now deleted tweet the Australian Greens claimed Alan Jones’s retirement is “proof petitions work”.

We’re told the “sassy” tweet was misunderstood by the Twitterati, so was scrapped. But perhaps because it reignited criticism of the Greens’ blatant data mining?

To sign the “Alan Jones Must Go” petition on leader Adam Bandt’s website, which we’re told has been up since 2018, you must provide your name, address, email and phone number.

Adam Bandt's "Alan Jones Must Go" campaign.

It automatically adds you to the Greens mailing list then directs you to a “Volunteers page” encouraging people to sign up to doorknock, staff polling booths, make phone calls, enter data or “host a volunteer meeting at my house” (surely not allowed under social distancing?). Personally, we prefer Gladys Berejiklian’s tongue-in-cheek take. When the NSW Premier called in to 2GB after news of the shock jock’s resignation (at the behest of his doctors) broke, she said to Jones: “The first time in your life you’ve listened to the experts.”

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Getting the message

“If there’s one person who knows, Mr Speaker, how important it is to receive texts,” Nationals leader Michael McCormack declared during question time, holding up his iPhone to huge laughs.

A reference to *those* robust texts sent by NSW Nats leader John Barilaro after the Eden-Monaro clusterf..k, which somehow ended up in the hands of journos.

After a drip drop of this magnitude, typically there’s obfuscation. Not from Nationals deputy David Littleproud.

Fran Kelly: “Do you describe John Barilaro’s behaviour as self-indulgence … that he leaked those details of text conversation where he was absolutely scathing about the National leader, the federal leader, Michael McCormack?”

Littleproud: “Well, exactly.”

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More time with family

Despite Josh Frydenberg’s dry cough attack (which, incidentally came after he uttered the phrase “saved our bacon” … was it a kosher coughing fit?) during his not-budget address, it was Scott Morrison who delivered a sobering stat sure to take your breath away. The Prime Minister confirmed to colleagues in Tuesday’s joint partyroom that wife Jenny has returned to Sydney, so their daughters, Abbey, 11, and Lily, 9, can attend school. The time the Morrison family spent in The Lodge during lockdown is the longest period they have been together as a family.

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