Mad Mal Turnbull’s fury road 

Hell hath no fury like a prime minister scorned?

Hell hath no fury like a prime minister scorned?

Malcolm Turnbull, whose memoir is due out next week, has had his live promotional tour cancelled, but he tweeted the contents page, and you thought he’d take the high road? Ha.

One chapter is called Tony and Peta. Why? Because he just can’t help himself. He knows that the gossip isn’t true; he knows that it hurts Tony Abbott’s wife Margie; he surely knows that it elevates him not one jot, but hey, he’s got a book to sell, right?

And it hasn’t gone down particularly well.

Here are some responses, from under his tweet:

“Is the paper soft on the bum Malcolm?” asked one follower. “I intend to buy it. Just hoping it's two-ply.

“Has it got a spine?”

Breakdown of Mal’s memoir.

BoJo sings praises

For a lesson in humility, Turnbull might watch British Prime Minister Boris Johnson thanking the intensive care unit’s nurses and doctors — “several of them for some reason called Nick” — who presided over him for three days and nights while he battled coronavirus. Johnson said he “will be grateful for the rest of my life” for their care. “That is why we will defeat this coronavirus and defeat it together. We will win because our NHS is the beating heart of this country. It is the best of this country. It is unconquerable. It is powered by love.”

He singled out two nurses for special praise: Luis Pitarma, from Portugal, and Jenny McGee from New Zealand, whose mother Caroline McGee says she and her husband, Mike, are very proud of Jenny, who didn’t say she was caring for Johnson but she saw the news reports.

A good sort gone

We were warned at the outset that this pandemic would take out the oldies, and now it has gone and claimed a Goodie.

Tim Brooke-Taylor, 79, died in Britain after contracting COVID-19, prompting this lament, from his dear old friend, John Cleese: “I have just lost the will to be silly.”

T-BT was perhaps most famous for playing a white colonial in the “Apart-height” sketch, or else for playing the John Travolta character in the satire of Saturday Night Fever, or maybe you liked him as Lady Constance de Coverlet … oh, look, the list of gems he played goes on.

The most famous Goodies episode is probably Kitten Kong but the most popular, at least according to a poll held in celebration of the show's 50th anniversary at Bristol’s Slapstick Festival in January, is Kung Fu Kapers, also known as Ecky Thump.

No comedian can get over this, but one viewer actually died laughing. T-BT and friends told the story during a recent visit to Australia: 50-year-old Alex Mitchell had a fatal heart attack, having laughed for 25 straight minutes at the idea of there being a Lancashire martial art that revolves around hitting unsuspecting people with black puddings, while wearing a flat cap and braces. His widow later sent the Goodies a letter thanking them for having him go out in style.

Covidiot’s cold comfort

Covidiot of the day: the Frenchman who wanted to cross the border into Spain, despite the border being closed. His car was turned back, so he decided to hike. He fell into a river, then into bramble, found himself lost, and had to be winched out by helicopter, exhausted, shivering with cold, and now fined €135 ($232).

Datelines out of bounds

Further to an item on Victorian police issuing fines for people who use the car wash when it’s open, well, Queensland cops fined a man on a Tinder date, apparently also for using this line: “Who needs coronavirus? You’ve already taken my breath away.” (I made that last bit up.) “You are allowed to go visit close friends and relatives but I don’t think a Tinder date comes within that definition,” Queensland Police Deputy Chief Commissioner Steve Gollschewski said. But what if she’s just the medicine you need? OK. I’ll stop now.

The last laugh

We promised a daily coronavirus joke, and we aim to deliver:

What do you call 30 people together? Four weddings and a funeral. 

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