Keep calm & curry on

Behind every great trade deal there’s a spicy log cabin story.

Dan Tehan.

Behind every great trade deal there’s a spicy log cabin story.

Take the recent inking between Australia and India. Trade Minister Dan Tehan and his Indian counterpart Piyush Goyal thrashed out the historic deal on their own, over a curry.

You could say … no one else was in the room where it happened. (Apologies to Lin-Manuel Miranda and fans of Hamilton.)

The diplomatic deal was revealed during the Australia India Chamber of Commerce’s luncheon at the Melbourne Cricket Ground on Wednesday.

A hundred-odd business leaders and government officials, including former Victorian premier Ted Baillieu, had gathered to raise a glass to wine exporters and sheep farmers (and agree not to mention diary or grain growers). Tehan regaled the room with the true tale of how the sausage got made.

“When I got to India, I was very keen to really see what we could do about getting our trade negotiations back on track and cementing an agreement,” he told the crowd. “I said to our officials, ‘I‘d like to grab Piyush for 10 minutes just to have a one-on-one conversation so we can get to know each other’.”

Piyush Goyal.

Tehan and Goyal went into a private room and started chatting. Like sands through the hourglass, soon Goyal was ordering curries to keep the conversation going.

“And we sat there, we ate, and we talked for three hours, one-on-one, and started to map out what a potential trade agreement could look like,” Tehan said.

Needless to say, officials started pacing outside. Leaving two ministers alone for a few hours is not something the DFAT dialoguers are used to. Heaven forbid the backbone of a trade deal is drafted without bureaucrats!

“They were very worried about what we were cooking up,” Tehan confessed, continuing the curry metaphor.

“But we were able to cook up the basis of an agreement that we signed on Saturday in front of Prime Minister (Scott) Morrison and Prime Minister (Narendra) Modi.”

Someone call Pan Macmillan, stat!

If Newspoll is anything to go by, Tehan may soon have some (backbench) time on his hands to pen a sequel to Donald Trump’s The Art of the Deal … called The Art of the Daal.

This successful attempt to curry favour is a stark contrast to Tehan’s time facing off against his former UK counterpart Liz Truss.

Fans of furniture diplomacy may recall that Truss was forced to call and apologise last year after her allies told the British press she’d insulted the “glacially slow” Tehan as “inexperienced” and planned to seat him in an “uncomfortable chair” during 48-hour trade talks.

The free-trade agreement between Britain and Australia didn’t get signed until Anne-Marie Trevelyan took over as Trade Secretary.

George Brandis, Anne-Marie Trevelyan, Liz Truss and Dan Tehan.

Namaste, Tony

When it was Goyal’s turn at the mic, he confirmed the curry cabal, adding it was signed a bit behind schedule but “better late than never”.

The Indian Commerce and Industry Minister’s speech also named-checked special trade envoy Tony Abbott, whose “great relationship” with India was borne out of an unusual request in 2014.

When Australia’s newly elected 28th prime minister arrived at Delhi airport on his first official tour of India, it was Goyal who met him on the tarmac.

“I think it was a rainy day, and there you see Tony Abbott walk down the steps with a swagger,” Goyal recalled.

Tony Abbott.

“I’m very nervous. I’m very formal, properly prim and proper dressed, I think I had my tie on. Wondering what I have to do to make him comfortable.

“And he says, ‘Piyush, can you get me a yoga session with Prime Minister Modi?’”

That line elicited a huge laugh from the Aussie audience, who are keenly aware of Abbott’s unbridled love of Lycra.

“I have never felt more comfortable with a leader of his stature, from the word go,” Goyal said.

The yoga session went ahead, and Goyal credits it as the start of the great relationship between India and Australia.

Any diplomat will tell you that flexibility is key to all negotiations. But we had no idea Abbott’s go-to move was downward dog!

As the yogi saying goes … better to bend than break.

Scott Morrison and Ray.

On the hop

A seemingly innocent photo opp at a Newcastle pub turned into an nightmare for Scott Morrison on Wednesday night, as a pensioner named Ray gave the Prime Minister a spray.

“Listen to me for a change,” the Edgeworth Tavern customer said, before telling Morrison he had “better f..king do something” as he was “sick of your bullshit”.

Later, a woman named Chantelle asked for a ScoMo selfie.

As he looked toward the camera, she told him: “Congratulations on being the worst prime minister we’ve ever had.”

Talk about a fair shake of the shampaign sauce bottle!

Sending an advance team to canvas the area for sympathetic ears is politics 101!

How did things turn from bad to worse, so quickly?

Strewth understands the pub was given no notice of the PM’s appearance, or warning of the press pack that circle him, recording every cough and criticism.

Look at that head.

This paper’s own Liam Mendes visited the scene of the crime on Thursday, and informed Strewth that locals were not at all impressed with the Prime Minister’s “shocking pour” of a schooner.

In fact, the manager even made a comment about ScoMo & Co leaving before they had settled their beer bill.

One pub patron claimed he had been approached by “two guys in suits”, who offered $100 to stand outside the pub and scream “Newcastle loves Scott Morrison”. We’ll take that with a grain of salt.

But there is a happy ending to this knees-up.

The Edgeworth Tavern has been inundated with calls from people across the country – Queensland, Victoria, South Australia – offering to buy old mate Ray a beer.

Bottoms up.

Annastacia’s dele-gator

Here at Strewth, we were both touched and a little troubled by your enthusiastic response to the search for a Brisbane 2032 Olympic Games mascot.

Annastacia Palaszczuk.

Reader Nip named the brightly coloured and a bit cheeky eastern water dragon; Matt suggested the songbird spangled drongo; and Ian had the idea to use one of Brisbane’s most famous exports, Bluey, the blue healer of cartoon fame.

Neil had the most snappy suggestion – a crocodile.

The most versatile animal around, they come with their own croc ’n’ roll song (Crocodile Rock by Elton John); toys in all shapes and sizes, including pool floats; the possibility for a line of crocodile-skin accessories (faux or real, if we start breeding now); and croc-themed food trucks.

“There can be croc displays all over the place and what could be more exciting than crocodile wrestling – in fact it could be the Olympic demonstration sport,” Neil said. “We could add crocs to the water jumps in the steeple chase!”

Or croc-quet?

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