It wasn’t a rock

While Scott Morrison and his Liberal mates were enjoying WA rock lobster, Strewth’s spies spotted two Labor pollies between a rock and a hard place.

In happier days …

While Scott Morrison and his Liberal mates were enjoying WA rock lobster at the National Press Club (not a COVID metaphor), Strewth’s spies spotted two Labor pollies between a rock and a hard place. Anthony Albanese and Joel Fitzgibbon accidentally picked the exact same window for a lunchtime workout in the Parliament House gym. You know what they say … you’ve got to be fighting fit come killing season! The timing could not have been worse, given hours earlier the Labor leader declared: “People will make their own judgment on whether Joel is playing a constructive role or not.” (Spoiler! Mark Dreyfus says no.) Will Mark Butler’s conscious uncoupling from climate help or hinder Labor’s exasperated emissions? Roll the 2SM tape …

Albanese: “And in Mark Butler, we have the only MP I know who’s written a book on the ageing process and on aged care.”

John Laws: “Well, it doesn’t matter if he’s written a book, it might not be a very good book.”

Albanese: “It’s a very good book. It is indeed a very good book.”

LEAN in

How thoughtful! Labor’s Environmental Action Network — founded by Kristina Keneally and Jenny McAllister — is organising a “thank you” card for Butler. “Mark championed the battle for a safe climate. He showed a razor-sharp understanding of the threat of climate change and its possible solutions. He was courageous and clear in leading the party with ambitious policy,” LEAN told its members. “People who have taken on the fight for a safe climate in Australian politics deserve our gratitude. It’s always good to acknowledge a job well done.” A job well done? Bill Shorten might disagree. The true believers were given the choice to use a pre-crafted message for Mark or write their own. There’s over 320 signatures and counting (we hope that includes the senior Coalition sources who told Media Diary’s Nick Tabakoff they were “devastated” to see Butler go). Let’s see if either Butler or his replacement, Chris Bowen, attend former Wallaby David Pocock’s “Green Recovery Now” climate rally outside Parliament House on Tuesday morning.

Mark Butler.

Words to live by

The perpetually exasperated Doc Martin once told a stubborn patient: “Choice? This is medicine. Not a pudding trolley!” A stark contrast to the Prime Minister’s approach at the NPC when he once again outsourced answering How Do You Solve A Problem Like Craig Kelly?

Morrison: “Don’t go to Facebook to find out about the vaccine. Go to official government websites. You want to understand vaccines? Go and talk to Brendan Murphy, that’s what I do.”

Laura Tingle: “You don’t go to Craig Kelly?”

Morrison: “He’s not my doctor and he’s not yours! (Pause) He does a great job in Hughes!”

Presented without comment.

Sitting pretty

“A vote for Kevin Andrews is a vote for women!” That was the message being shopped around by Liberal senator Sarah Henderson in the lead up to the Menzies preselection on Sunday. Her reasoning? Because there was a possibility that a woman (Peta Credlin, perhaps?) could run in three years’ time if Andrews voluntarily retired. Just like Marie Kondo — the Japanese tidier who was big two years ago — the Melb Liberals’ membership decided the former cabinet minister no longer “sparks joy”. He was beaten 181 to 111 votes by conservative commando-turned-barrister Keith Wolahan, despite the best efforts of Josh Frydenberg and Michael Sukkar. A sober end to the 65-year-old’s 30 years in office. Who can forget his turn as the Minister for Love, when as Tony Abbott’s social services soldier he handed out taxpayer-funded $200 couples’ counselling vouchers that could be used for sex therapy. His departure will see the Father of the House baton passed to Robert Bellarmine Carl Katter, 28 years and counting. Former prime minister Billy Hughes retains the record, serving 51 years, 1901 to 1952, until his death aged 90. The question on furniture fans’ lips — what will happen to the green leather Chesterfield that John Howard famously paid $10,000-plus for in 1996? After the fall of the Howard Battlers, Kevin Rudd banished the couches from the prime ministerial offices. Instead of gathering dust in storage, Andrews got permission to haul the couch around parliament as a reminder of the glory days of old.

Former Minister for Love Kevin Andrews (here with his wife in one of the Weekend @australian mag's greatest covers) loses preselection after 30 years in federal parliament. pic.twitter.com/YwADMtO6BW

— Richard Ferguson (@RichAFerguson) January 31, 2021

Hot air?

You can’t teach old dogs new tricks. So, the ACT Young Liberals have decided it’s their job to move the conservative chapter towards the electable centre. A leaked copy of the agenda for Tuesday night’s meeting at Menzies House landed in our lap, and it contains some surprisingly socialist policy motions. Such as supporting “universal and affordable access to childcare for working families”; calling on “all Australian governments and companies to audit their supply chains to ensure they remain free from any labour of oppressed minority workforces in China”; and “an immediate inquiry … into the operations of the Canberra Hospital to ensure it is delivering world-class healthcare for Canberrans and is a safe and inclusive workplace for nurses, doctors and staff”. Yet nothing on the Skywhalepapa, the new hot air balloon companion to the Skywhale set to debut in Canberra Bubble™ later this week.

I like #Skywhale, but I don't like her mate (📸: @NatGalleryAus) pic.twitter.com/aFrxC4VuML

— Markus Mannheim 🎲 (@MarkusMannheim) January 31, 2021

Black swans

There’s never been a more exciting time to find out West Australians are more essential to democracy than Victorians. Last year, those south of Gladys Berejiklian’s border weren’t allowed into the Canberra Bubble™ without a two-week quarantine. Yet, the black swans caught mid-air during Mark McGowan’s announcement will be allowed into Parliament House, pending an ACT Health exemption. Nothing was going to keep Attorney-General Christian Porter from Justice Simon Steward’s swearing-in ceremony at the High Court on Monday! Porter was given a special exemption to skip self-iso after he returned a negative test. Labor’s Josh Wilson, the member for Fremantle, received this missive from a concerned territorian. “Dear Mr Wilson, you’re the MP that represents my parents’ electorate & I hear that you’re in quarantine here in Canberra. Please let me know if you need a supply drop, I’m happy to deliver anything from beers to an N64. Just sing out.” How lovely! On the contrary, we found this sic query posted toMcGowan’s Facebook: “I have an anal bleeching and teeth whitening appointment in Maylands tomorrow, they wont do refunds and I have already paid, have I lost my money now?” Blue hoo.

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