Irony deficiency

STREWTH has been waiting anxiously for fresh commandments from the Speaker Bronwyn Bishop’s throne.

EVER since that remarkable day in March when Bronwyn Bishop made her ruling against infectious laughter (because only the weak shall inherit the mirth), Strewth has waited anxiously for fresh commandments from the Speaker’s throne. And so they have come — Bishop is not stingy when it comes to the provision of the remarkable — but it was always going to take something pretty top-shelf to elicit something as good. Tony Abbott succeeded in this quest yesterday. After Clive Palmer asked him what could be characterised as a query jamboree, the PM was largely successful in not answering him. But thanks to a carbon tax element, Abbott was able to take a stick to Labor on the grounds it “said one thing before the election (and) did the opposite after the election, as always”. Which, all things considered, required a certain chutzpah. This followed:

Tony Burke: “Madam Speaker, if that doesn’t violate the standing order on irony, nothing does.”

Bishop: “I would remind the Manager of Opposition Business that the standing orders on irony only relate to questions, not to answers.”

Meanwhile, Burke’s predecessor as Labor’s leader in the house, Anthony Albanese, experimented with approaching Bishop in mild, almost timorous manner. The results speak for themselves:

Albanese: “Can I make a point of order, Madam Speaker?”

Bishop: “No.”

Sweeping powers

CLOCKING in at just 272 words, the Gettysburg Address is often held up as a perfect marriage of brevity and power. Barnaby Joyce’s presser yesterday was surely almost in the same league. In just minutes, Joyce addressed: the removal of skin cancers from his face; the danger posed by three species of invasive beetles from China; the disgrace of corn syrup masquerading as honey; and rural vigilantes protecting pig sheds. While Joyce pulled off this feat of encapsulation, unhappy cleaners instead opted for the simple gesture, marking International Cleaners Day by presenting the PM (in absentia) with the Golden Toilet Brush. It’s larger than life, showy and not entirely suitable for prosaic daily purposes, so it could possibly fill the hole left by Wilson Tuckey.

Meanwhile in Wyong

DEPUTY PM Warren Truss got to do his own carbon tax routine in question time yesterday, using as his beleaguered example one pocket of local government on the NSW central coast: “Those councils like Wyong that have a significant garbage disposal facility, the waste management facility in that region is already having to pay the carbon tax because of the emissions that it provides. And as a result, the rate in Wyong is $22 higher already than it ought to be — $22 higher as a result of Labor’s carbon tax. And it will keep going up.” It’s not the only thing going up in Wyong. Here, courtesy of kind Strewth correspondent Matt Burke, is The Lakes Mail last month: “Wyong Shire Council is proposing a bumper year for 2014-15 with a budget of more than $340 million, including $100 million for capital works and $240 million for community services … Mayor Doug Eaton said ... the shire boasts a balanced budget and modest surplus, along with capital works spending at an all-time high.” Poor bastards.

Say it with fruit

AT least one Nationals MP has transcended the muck of daily politics: “As the inevitable winter settles in and we reach for the extra blankets, the common cold is just one of the side-effects to the change in weather. Member for Mallee, Andrew Broad MP, is urging people to fight back against the cooler weather and get a daily dose of vitamin C by eating an Aussie orange.” Amen.

A place at the table

SPEAKING of juicy and good for you in cold weather, the charity eBay auction for the federal parliamentary press gallery’s Midwinter Ball is trundling towards its conclusion. There’ve been quiet gusts of bidding for the various dinners on offer (with Tony Abbott; Bill Shorten and Tanya Plibersek; Clive Palmer; Malcolm Turnbull and Julie Bishop) — except for dinner with the Greens. Someone save them from auction ignominy. Likewise John Alexander and Ken Rosewall’s tennis lesson, which is also sitting on 0 bids.Even dinner with members of the press gallery is cranking ahead. On which note, the chief executive of this organ, Nicholas Gray, is closing in on his target of raising $10,000 for Vinnies’ CEO Sleepout (Strewth, Saturday). Get him across the line at ceosleepout.org.au/ceos/nsw-ceos/nicholas-gray-the-australian; it’s the only time we can legitimately ask for help in putting our boss on the street on a cold night. We’ll call it Operation Freeze A Jolly Good Fellow.

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