I vex thee, sir

TONY Abbott’s vow to shirt-front Vladimir Putin has been downgraded to a promise of a “robust conversation”.

AND so, like a threatened cyclone that blows ashore as little more than a squall, Tony Abbott’s vow to shirt-front Vladimir Putin was downgraded to a promise of a “robust conversation”. At this rate Abbott will be threatening him with a dashed good talking to by tomorrow, interpretative dance by Friday, terse semaphore by Saturday and, come Sunday, a severely furrowed brow. It’s possible the PM’s resolve wasn’t assisted by Peter Costello’s guffawed response when asked if he’d ever shirt-front a foreign leader.

“Well, I’m not a physical specimen like Tony,” he said once he’d regained his composure. Curiously, while the PM is keen to go mano a mano with Putin, he doesn’t seem to have quite the same enthusiasm for Australian journalists. At least not yesterday. Having persuaded hacks to hold off on shirt-based queries, he fielded a few, then, without so much as a “see youse”, spun on his heel and left so quickly our attempt at getting a screen grab yielded little more than a blur.

To Russia with ‘Huh?’

DESPITE hopes Russian computers had been alive with AFL YouTube clips, the finer points of shirt-fronting appear to have been lost on much of the Russian media. From RIA Novosti to Komsomolskaya Pravda, they blunted Abbott’s statement to the decidedly prosaic “I will attack Putin”. So it was a relief when Moskovskiy Komsolets came to the party: “The PM resorted to the Australian football term “shirt-front”, meaning a head-on collision with the enemy for the purpose of knocking him to the ground and taking the ball.” Others, such as Echo Moskvy, had Abbott vowing “tough talk”; but given Putin has made vows such as one to shoot terrorists “even in the shithouse”, there must be a certain curiosity in Russia as to what “tough talk” our Tony has on offer. But so far, the spitting frying pan of contempt served up by Pravda (Strewth, yesterday) seems the exception.

Olive branch-stacking

BILL Shorten, knowing his brutal “this Putin fellow” had been totally outgunned, alluded to Russia being an “international bully”, then pulled out this: “I also think that the way we resolve this probably requires a sensible approach which doesn’t necessarily involve shirt-fronting.” Sharing nature’s abhorrence of a void, Jacqui Lambie stepped in, accusing everyone of jackassery (not a precise quote) and being overly full of “testrone” (precise quote). Unlike the Russian President. As she told Radio National, “Yeah, I do like Vladimir Putin, he has very strong leadership. He has great values.” Forming the other half of a sort of pincer movement, fellow PUPster Glenn Lazarus came out firing on defence pay: “Forget ‘shirt-fronting’ ... the Abbott government needs to be ‘shoulder charged’ on this issue. I am absolutely disgusted that the Abbott government is seeking to reduce the pay and entitlements for Australia’s defence personnel.” Warming to the shirty theme, he added, “This is an affront to all Australians.”

A fine effort wasted

ELSEWHERE, news that Bob Carr once offended the French just didn’t have the same impact it might have had on another day.

From beard to bared

The bearded Neal Mann is soon to be clean-shaven.

AS Billy Connolly once observed, there’s a type of beard that leaves a man looking like he’s swallowed a bear but left its arse hanging out. Which brings us to Neal Mann, the multimedia innovations editor we’ve borrowed from The Wall Street Journal. Mann (pictured) owns a beard we think of as the Hanging Garden of Holt Street; on the Connolly scale, it probably measures a quarter Kodiak. (“I should get a dipstick in there and see how long it is,” he told Strewth.) Mann’s memories of the face beneath have dimmed over the years, but a reunion is in the works: come December 1, he’s getting defoliated for charity. Given events in the Middle East, you’ll be pleased to know all dough is going to the Rory Peck Trust (“dedicated to the support, safety and welfare of freelance news-gatherers and their families”). Before his (videoed) date with the shearer, help him reach/breach his $10,000 target at justgiving.com/fieldproducer, where for no extra cost you will be greeted by comments ranging from the passionate (“Helping a good cause AND the women of Sydney Tinder at the same time”), to the compassionate, namely this: “Please make sure you find a new home for all those badgers and hedgehogs after you destroy their natural habitat.”

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