How bout ’dem apples?

Why Nationals whip Damian Drum’s Parliament House office is like a supermarket. And can Craig Kelly tell the difference between Arnie and Stallone?

Scott Morrison and Damian Drum try a taste of Cobram in Canberra. Picture: Instagram

If you venture into Nationals whip Damian Drum’s Parliament House office you would be forgiven for thinking you had stepped into the aisle of your local supermarket.

There are shelves packed with items produced in his Victorian electorate of Nicholls, such as Goulburn Valley fruit, Devondale cheese, Campbell’s soup, baby formula and even a carton of camel milk if you feel so inclined.

So passionate is Drum about Nicholls’ nibbles, he has been spruiking the seat’s fruity fares in the halls of power and last week enlisted Scott Morrison and Michael McCormack to be his personal taste testers.

“A touch of Cobram made its way to Canberra recently, with those at the highest level of the federal government momentarily swapping politics for taste testing,” Drum wrote on his Instagram account. “I introduced Prime Minister Scott Morrison and his deputy, Michael McCormack, to MP Harvest Foods’ Apple Crisps. #improud”.

But peckish pollies wandering the halls in search of snacks next sitting week, beware.

Drum tells Strewth the perishable produce on the shelves is “display only”, and instead of grated cheese you’ll find shredded paper. We’re sure they still provide a good “entree” to conversation in any case.

Drum said the apple crisps went down a treat with the political leaders and would be a “nice addition” to any cheese platter. There were no takers for a camel latte.

Last man standing

Ever-present leadership whispers aside, Nationals chief Michael McCormack has taken former Labor MP Wayne Swan’s spot as seventh-longest serving deputy prime minister (DPM).

Thursday marks 1102 days since the member for Riverina was sworn in as the 18th DPM, which makes him the longest-serving leader of either Coalition party since it came to power in 2013.

Much like the Energizer Bunny and Australian Olympic speed skater Steven Bradbury, McCormack has lasted longer as DPM than Scott Morrison, Malcolm Turnbull and Tony Abbott as PM. He’s also surpassed Barnaby Joyce and Warren Truss in the Nationals. No figure skates needed.

Kelly ‘refriended’

After a brief hiatus, controversial MP-cum-crossbencher Craig Kelly is back on Facebook after serving a ban for peddling unproven COVID-19 medical treatments, including ivermectin and hydroxychloroquine.

Kelly invoked Arnold Schwarzenegger in The Terminator with a comeback post that read “I’M BACK”, which was coupled (somewhat confusingly) with a picture of Sylvester Stallone as Rambo, presumably preparing to battle against his detractors.

But it’s clear the ban has done little to deter him from spruiking alternative remedies.

“Facebook blocked me for three weeks for posting commentary from medical experts from around the world,” he said. “And now I’m back and 100 per cent independent — so if you’re a green rentseeker selling our nation out to China so you can line your pockets — if you’ve been involved in the war against early Covid treatments — look out, for you’ve nowhere to hide.”

Kelly, who consciously uncoupled from the Coalition last week in a shock split, was also quick to change his relationship status on the site. His bio now reads “INDEPENDENT Federal Member for Hughes” — capitalised for effect.

In another post he remarked on his new spot in the House of Representatives. Kellyis now seated behind former Labor frontbencher and troublemaker Joel Fitzgibbon and next to Barnaby Joyce and George Christensen, making it the naughty corner. Or as one backbencher noted a “Bermuda Triangle” where leadership aspirations disappear under mysterious circumstances. “Whoever organised the new seating plan in parliament and put me next to Barnaby and George has a warped sense of humour,” Kellywrote.

Don’t tweet on the run

As Twitter went into meltdown following Christian Porter’s extraordinary press conference to address historic sexual assault allegations on Wednesday it was announced Michaelia Cash — Brittany Higgins’ former boss — would act as Attorney-General while Porter takes personal leave. Former opposition leader Bill Shorten was among those to call out the decision and at 4.13pm wrote: “You can’t write this shit.”

A spokesman for Shorten said the tweet wasn’t penned by the member for Maribyrnong, who was spotted running in Sydney’s Kings Cross, but an employee “that thought they were in their own account”.

Strewth agrees with “Bill’s employee” on this one.

Grace won’t go there

Any hopes of 2021 Australian of the Year and national treasure Grace Tame entering politics were swiftly dashed at the National Press Club on Wednesday. The sexual assault survivor issued a decisive “NOOOOOOOOO” when asked whether she would consider a career in politics.

Former Australian Democrats senator Natasha Stott Despoja and chair of Our Watch, an initiative aimed at preventing violence against women and their children, was among those to tweet her disappointment: “#Grace, please don’t rule out politics.”

#Grace, please don’t rule out politics.

— Natasha Stott Despoja (@NStottDespoja) March 3, 2021