Hair we are: Dan Andrews haircut signals return?

Daniel Andrews had a home haircut on Saturday night, the latest sign that the Victorian Premier is planning to return to work soon.

Daniel Andrews gets a home haircut from wife Cath.

Daniel Andrews had a home haircut on Saturday night, the latest sign that the Victorian Premier is planning to return to work sooner rather than later.

This week marks three months since Andrews fell on wet stairs and fractured his T7 vertebra while on holidays on the Mornington Peninsula back on March 9.

The 48-year-old has been virtually silent since leaving hospital on March 15, bar three social media posts, which, we’re told, the Premier approved but did not write. Yet like the Wizard of Oz behind the curtain, Health Minister Martin Foley maintains “there are no decisions of import … that are taken without the Premier being made thoroughly aware”.

The oh so quiet Andrews sent the rumour mill into overdrive about exactly how he was injured and whether Dan TV would be returning to our screens this month as promised, just in time for what could be wave three.

On the tools again. Practice makes perfect 💇🏻‍♂️ I love this one. Getting better every day. pic.twitter.com/ciNGuHmB5C

— Catherine Andrews (@CathLAndrews) June 5, 2021

There’s been no sightings, no video messages of support and no photos … until now. Catherine Andrews posted a pic of herself wielding the clippers against the side of her husband’s head at their home in Mulgrave.

“On the tools again. Practise makes perfect,” Ms Andrews wrote. “I love this one. Getting better every day.” With Locky D due to end at 11:59pm on Thursday, many are asking: who will make it out first — Danistan or Dan?

Illustration: Johannes Leak

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Shot in the dark

Regional Health Minister Mark Coulton had a novel idea for his wedding anniversary eve – a couple’s Covid jab. How romantic. Coulton and wife Robyn received their first doses of AstraZeneca on Saturday, at a clinic near Dubbo.

Mark Coulton gets vaccinated.

“The secret to staying married for 40 years is to do the fun things together,” Coulton wisely informed Strewth.

You know what they say: a couple that vaxxes together stays together.

Our politicians never shy away from a photo op and the latest viral trend is the shot selfie. Liberal MP Andrew Wallace took inspiration from a surprise sex symbol, Greek Prime Minister Kyriakos Mitsotakis, and bared some skin.

The Queenslander unbuttoned his shirt to get some antibodies and a saucy social media snap.

“Why not, he’s a good looking rooster,” one Nat noted to Strewth.

“I had my first dose of the AstraZeneca Covid vaccine on Friday at a GP clinic in Buddina and I can report that three days on I feel great,” Wallace wrote on Facebook.

“The events happening right now in Victoria are an important reminder that Covid is going nowhere and the risk is still very real – for all of us.”

Andrew Wallace.

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No touching!

Punters were throwing their hands in the air (like they just don’t care) at Adelaide Oval on Saturday night. No, not for a Mexican wave.

The stands were following the latest health advice not to handle any ball kicked into the crowd by Collingwood. Was the no-touching rule (or perhaps the $50k fine for not wearing face masks) a contributing factor to the Crows narrow loss to the Magpies?

Let’s rewind to last week when South Australia chief health officer Nicola Spurrier told supporters: “Sometimes the ball – not that I’ve been to many football games – I have noticed that occasionally it does get kicked into the crowd.” She continued: “And if you are at Adelaide Oval and the ball comes towards you, my advice to you is to duck and do not touch that ball.”

Footy fans at Adelaide oval when a ball is kicked into crowd. 🏈 pic.twitter.com/r9JWL4MQYN

— tracey morrison (@tmorrison888) June 2, 2021

It was a commentary free kick for Carlton fan Josh Frydenberg. “Well that was pretty passing strange,” the Treasurer mused. “Anyone who goes to a footy game knows that when a torpedo punt is coming at you many miles an hour, you don’t really have a choice as to whether you touch it or not. Otherwise you get hit on the scone. And scones should be reserved for jam, not hits on the head.”

That only spurred on Professor Spurrier. “Whenever a ball comes towards me, whatever sort of ball, whether it’s a basketball or a football, my inclination is to duck,” she said. “And in this case, this is an object touched by I don’t know how many very sweaty men on a football field. Sanitise your hands afterwards.”

It’s still early doors but Victorian Sports Minister Martin Pakula insisted on Sunday that he had “absolute confidence that the AFL grand final will be at the MCG”. Sure.

I'm glad to see at least Cary Grant has been following Professor Nicola Spurrier's advice. #Offsiderspic.twitter.com/ZyRpGp09b7

— Huw Parkinson (@rabbitandcoffee) June 6, 2021

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Eye spy

It seems Labor deputy Richard Marles has an unlikely source for diplomatic inspiration.

Marles: “The fact that there is not a single relationship of substance between a member of this government and a member of the Chinese government is inept, it is patently inept.”

Insiders host David Speers: “How would you get that relationship?”

Marles: “Well, you do the diplomacy right.”

Speers: “What does that mean, though? Sorry, with respect, what does that mean?”

Marles: “Well, you do it the way that Alexander Downer did it.”

Which way is that? Planting bugs in the East Timorese cabinet room, dobbing in Trump adviser George Papadopoulos or sporting fishnets?

Dig deep

Lights, camera … Nationals? Veterans’ Affairs Minister Darren Chester is oft referred to as the George Clooney of Gippsland but Strewth had no idea Keith Pitt was the Brad Pitt of Bundaberg. A caller to Hitz FM somehow confused the Resources Minister with the Hollywood hunk during a breakfast radio quiz. Roll the tape …

Host Tracey Sergiacomi: “Which two Australian actors appeared in the 2008 movie Australia?”

Caller David: “Nicole Kidman and Keith Pitt?”

Host Matty Ambrose: “I didn’t know Keith Pitt also did movies.”

David: “It just came to my mind.”

Trace: “First, I’d like to say why is Keith Pitt on your mind, David?”

David: “Oh, I mean, Brad Pitt.”

Matty: “Ah … similar looking dudes?”

Trace: “No.”

Matty: “I know poor old Brad is often referred to as the poor man’s Keith Pitt.”

Close but no cigar. However … the Nationals could recruit the real thing if they’re interested. Chris Hemsworth has been vocal in his public opposition to a large resort and tourism development at Seven Mile Beach, near his $30 million mansion. Could Thor throw his hammer in the ring as a future mayor of Byron Bay?

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