Fooling a roundabout

We have officially reached peak Canberra Bubble™.

Canberra Rainbow Roundabout. Source act.gov.au

We have officially reached peak Canberra Bubble™. The capital’s rainbow roundabout has been named the international roundabout of the year by the UK’s Roundabout Appreciation Society. And to think it was nearly ripped up as part of the vibrancy project to rebrand trendy inner-city suburb Braddon as a “pedestrian-friendly suburb littered with cafes, yoga studios and parklets” (yes, parklets — a footpath park) last year! Located at the intersection of Elouera and Lonsdale streets, the “cherished landmark” (according to Chief Minister Andrew Barr) was installed in 2017 after the ACT scored the highest Yes vote of any state or territory during the same-sex marriage postal survey that we had to have. The site of the roundabout played host to a boisterous street party — complete with bands, booze, bourgie food trucks, a speech by Labor senator Penny Wong and, as Strewth recalls, many celebratory chants of “Canberra! Canberra!” from the crowd — after the plebiscite result was announced. Roundabout Appreciation society president Kevin Beresford said he — and the club’s 30 members who meet bimonthly at a Redditch pub — had never seen anything like the colourful “gay gyratory”. Gyratory is infrastructure jargon for a road junction or traffic system with a circular movement of traffic. It beat out other entries from around the world that included flower beds and working windmills. Remarkably, this isn’t the first time Australia has taken out the circular award; Hobart’s Railway roundabout won five years ago. The Braddon bend will feature in Beresford’s annual roundabouts of the world calendar, in the coveted December spot. Order now to avoid disappointment! You know what they say, love makes the world go round(about).

A roundabout way to get through Canberra.

That looks like Raiders green.

Bar none

The lack of mobile phone reception in Parliament House has been a running joke among politicians, staffers, public servants and journos for decades. There are many parts of the building (including Strewth’s desk) where it is impossible to make or take a phone call. It’s the virtual version of a pea-souper. We’re told the woeful Wi-Fi has been raised internally by politicians in the bipartisan working group that is troubleshooting how Parliament House can host an online sitting — so Victorian politicians skipping the required two-week Canberra quarantine can dial in from iso to ask questions or make speeches. Britain’s parliament has been working from home for months. The highlight for one Strewth spy locked down in London: “One guy who zoomed in from the car, while he was picking his kid up from school sport.” Given the remote ruminations, we thought it would be worth checking in on the elusive Department of Parliamentary Services’s progress in fixing the problem, which they’ve been hard at work on since 2016. We stumbled across this answer from Senate president Scott Ryan buried in a response to one of Labor’s questions on notice in June. “During Supplementary Budget Estimates on 21 October, 2019, the Chief Information Officer assured the Senate committee that the antenna upgrade for mobile phone reception program would ensure improved mobile reception in Parliament House by the end of October 2020; does that remain the case?” Ryan’s one word answer: “No.” Repeated questions to Ryan’s office remain unanswered but our network of sources suspects the new completion guesstimate is December. The reasons behind the wait? Ryan wrote: “Supply chain delays as a result of COVID-19” and “Telstra requested a system redesign due to fast-moving developments with 5G technology”. Oh no, not 5G! There goes Canberra’s coronavirus free status. (Joking!)

Strong signal

The cost to taxpayers so far for the phone fail? $848,702, from a budget of $4,527,328 (excluding GST). The current reception? One bar. Labor senator Kimberley Kitching told Strewth: “The most frightening aspect of the Department of Parliamentary Services’s pathetic and profligate performance is that this is the part of the Australian government that opposition and crossbench MPs see up close,” she said. “Thousands of people work in that building and can’t make a phone call — yet they can spend half a million dollars on pot plants (see Strewth, Thursday). I hate to think what other spendthrift spectres dwell within the rest of Scott Morrison’s House of Horrors.” Perhaps we’ll find out in October.

Speak up, Scott

The Prime Minister showed he’s an unlucky Luddite just like us last week, during his virtual address to the Aspen Security Forum in the US. Morrison had to be reminded that his microphone was on mute during his ‘Tomorrow in the Indo Pacific” keynote via video link. The speech was saved when a staffer appeared (well, just a forehead) at the bottom of the screen to turn the sound on. Don’t worry ScoMo, Strewth’s Mum suffers with the same problem during her weekly Zoom with mates.

Nationals news

Nothing screams the Nationals like … a $14 navy bandana? And here we thought the headware was trademarked by Nine news columnist Peter FitzSimons.

The navy bandana.

If there’s money burning a hole in your wallet, crying out to be spent on commemorative merchandise, you’ll be happy to learn the country arm of the Coalition has released stock to celebrate the centenary of the party’s founding in 1920. There’s a women’s Bermagui Versatile Jacket ($159.50) and a men’s Wangaratta Vest ($126.50). Both have the 100 logo above the heart, with a lil map of Australia in the last zero. There’s also two Akubras — hazelnut ($220) and sand ($214).

You’d be dry as a bone in this.

You can’t be a Nat without one of these.

A bum steer

Have you heard of the cheeky pranksters behind Australian Research & Space Exploration? Aka “A.R.S.E.” When then science minister Arthur Sinodinos announced Australia was looking into a national space agency in 2017, the professional mischief-makers bought the website spaceaustralia.com.au as a front for their sophisticated science spoof and iconic merchandise, including stubbie holders, hoodies and hats. ARSE also operates the Twitter profile @space_aus, which has fooled many into believing it is government sanctioned, despite its subtle description: “Australian Research & Space Exploration is dedicated to understanding the nether regions of our universe to create a better life for all humans”. ARSE has just released a new line of beanies that read, ahem, “ARSE to push into the deep unknown”. A steal at $29.99.

An ARSE beanie to keep your head warm.

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