Dude, where’s my car(park)?

Let’s take a drive down budget memory lane with this in-the-red riddle: how long does it take to build a carpark?

Kooyong car.

Happy Nerd Christmas! Before we get fiscal with Josh Frydenberg’s numerical speed dating lockdown, let’s take a drive down budget memory lane with this in-the-red riddle: how long does it take to build a carpark? More than 18 months apparently. We all remember Scott Morrison’s pork-barrelling Oprah moment from the last budget in April 2019 — you get a carpark! You get a carpark! If you’re in a marginal electorate, you get a carpark! The Prime Minister and Treasurer set aside $500m for a National (actually just Western Australia, Victoria, NSW and Queensland) Commuter Carpark Fund, plus $149m from the Urban Congestion Fund, to construct up to 25,000 spots adjacent to train stations. The only problem? Much like a parked car, it hasn’t gone anywhere. Not one single carpark has been completed.

Parked … or stalled?

A faceless mandarin from Alan Tudge’s Department of Population, Cities and Urban Infrastructure confessed to Strewth that just four out of 47 projects (37 of which are in Liberal electorates, including four in the Treasurer’s seat of Kooyong) announced in the lead-up to Morrison’s miracle win last May are under construction. The four lucky locations are Mandurah, on the southwest coast of WA, and Beaconsfield, Cragieburn and Hurstbridge in Victoria. Our revhead sources say the handbrake was applied well before the pandemic hit, but that hasn’t stopped a blanket excuse of the COVID-19 speed bump. We’re told the three structures in Danistan are “on track to be completed by the end of the year”. Others are shovel-ready. “Construction is expected to be under way on more than 20 commuter carparks in the next 12 months” with all 47 “under way or complete in the next 18 months”. Just in time for WA’s March poll and the next federal election?

ScoMo in C1.

Mug’s game

“Think of Tuesday as a retreat to move forward,” one lyrical Liberal mused to Strewth. A lesson in fiscal hubris, perhaps, after the Prime Minister’s mysterious time-travelling statement on May 8, 2019: “We’ve brought (past tense) the budget back to surplus next year (future tense).” Not just for the Quiet Australians, but the grammatically flexible! This paper’s own Nikki Savva described the prediction as a “crime against English and the truth”. Should we stand by for: “We’ve brought the economy out of recession next decade”?

PVO literally threw a Back in Black mug in the bin with a banana peel pic.twitter.com/Ponx8RmEAp

— Alice Workman (@workmanalice) May 11, 2020

Makes perfect cents

Speaking of the Liberals iconic $35 Back in Black mug … guess what’s currently for sale in the White House gift shop for $US100? A “President Donald J. Trump Defeats COVID” commemorative coin. Priceless! “First 1500 Orders Receive a Complimentary Presidential Blue PPE Mask with Coin!” A bargain given the “now rare President Trump & Kim Jong-un Korean Peace Summit coins” will set you back $350. There’s no image for the COVID coin yet. Pre-orders ship from November 14 (11 days after the election), but designer Anthony Giannini says it’s “informed by superhero graphic art because surrounding President Donald J. Trump is a mythos never before seen in a US president, a mythos not unlike the Epic of Gilgamesh”. Change is … good?

Change in the weather.

Trump’s drive-by

Hindsight is 2020. Literally. Trump tweeted on October 25, 2014: “The Ebola doctor who just flew to N.Y. from West Africa and went on the subway, bowling and dining is a very SELFISH man — should have known!”

President Donald Trump made a drive by appearance outside of Walter Reed to greet supporters on Sunday. pic.twitter.com/rQYEaeMXDC

— KCCI News (@KCCINews) October 4, 2020

Better latte than never

Spotted! A strong contender for the most Canberra Bubble™ sign. A poster indicating a “Coffee Waiting Area” has been placed on a gold stand in the newly refurbished staff dining room, unkindly called “ The Trough” by locals. The full knockdown refurb is part of the $8.4m Grand Designs of the kitchens across the People’s House. Suspiciously, sushi is on the menu despite the 147km distance to the sea.

Strong contender for most Canberra sign. pic.twitter.com/vCHBFU5tDi

— Stephanie Peatling (@srpeatling) October 5, 2020

Not for turning

Pin this quote! “Minority government’s don’t work,” Annastacia Palaszczuk declared on Monday. “I can absolutely rule out — no deals,” the Queensland Premier promised if there is a hung parliament post-October 31. But what about the Greens? “Absolutely not … I said no deals.”

A women’s place is in …

At midday on Tuesday, Australia’s Senate will officially be 51.3 per cent female. After Greens senator Lidia Thorpe is sworn in (completing a three-month handover from former Greens leader Richard Di Natale), the majority of senators will be women for the first time in the Senate’s history, with 39 women and 37 men. Susan Ryan would be so proud! However, in the so-called House of Representatives, the election of Labor’s Kristy McBain (who replaced Mike Kelly in Eden-Monaro) takes it to just 31.1 per cent female, the highest its been — with 47 women out of 151 seats. Gunnai and Gunditjmara woman Thorpe has promised to “shake things up” in the upper house. She was the first Aboriginal woman in the Victorian parliament and is now the first Aboriginal senator for Victoria and first federal Aboriginal pollie for the Greens. She’s got a busy first day scheduled, starting with a smoking ceremony at the Tent Embassy outside Old Parliament House then an escort to (new) Parliament House by traditional owners. Strewth has previously reported Thorpe’s proposed PPE for day dot was a Black Lives Matters mask and Stop Adani trucker hat. But we’re told she’s opting instead for a possum skin cloak and a message stick memorialising the 441 First Nations people who have died in custody without justice.

Do ya think they’ll let me in on my first day of parliament in my uniform? pic.twitter.com/6CoSeYPnJ0

— Lidia Thorpe (@lidia__thorpe) August 18, 2020

She’s the voice

Her excellency Linda Hurley has a song for every occasion. The former teacher and wife of Governor-General David Hurley printed a literal Government House song book, so guests don’t trip up on the lyrics to It’s a Long Way to Tipperary when they literally sing for the supper. BC (Before COVID), of course. But she hasn’t let a pandemic pop her plan to turn Australia into a “singing nation”, taking to the G-G’s official Facebook page to post musical videos. To mark World Teacher’s Day, Hurley (Mrs) penned a song to show her and Hurley (Mr)’s appreciation for educators. Lyrics to the jaunty piano-backed tune include: “Teachers are so special, they’re caring and they’re kind. They’re always busy working, new activities all the time. They care about their students, planning lessons that are fun. With creativity, their learning is happily done.”

On World Teacher's Day, Mrs Hurley has a message for the special men and women who educate, care and guide our young...

Posted by Governor-General of Australia on Sunday, 4 October 2020

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