Discreet silence

WHATEVER happened to humour?

PUT to the Prime Minister at a Melbourne media stop yesterday: “Clive Palmer has a record of non-attendance in parliamentary committee meetings. Do you think he’s pulling his weight as an MP?” Strewth’s sources say no pun was intended. To pile on the disappointment, Tony Abbott blocked it with a diplomatic “I’ll leave the people to judge”. Whatever happened to humour?

Cold comfort

AT the same doorstop the PM — yes, you guessed it — agreed to undertake the ice bucket challenge. Which prompts the question: will he do it suited or Spartan, sporting the budgie smugglers?

Soothing words

FOUR days after that Q&A appearance Clive Palmer appears to have realised he made a bit of a boo-boo. He issued a statement yesterday, declaring: “It is important that the people of the world work together to ensure peace and friendly co-operation between all.” Not quite up there with Kumbaya, but a worthy rival to Michael Jackson’s Heal the World.

Crack suggestion

MORE news from the world of politics. Sex Party president Fiona Patten is set to give evidence to the Senate legal and constitutional affairs committee inquiry into synthetic drugs when it meets today. Patten plans to ask members to watch a series of Breaking Bad as part of their research. “This series shows how prohibitive drug laws have unforeseen consequences of monumental proportions,” she says. Strewth can see a trend of parliamentary box-set sessions developing. The Greens are already cranking up an inquiry into firearms. Who will be the first participant to out themselves as a Game of Thrones nerd and add broadswords to the terms of reference?

Albany’s disgrace

THE Department of Veterans Affairs has managed to achieve what Johnny Turk could never do. It has tipped the Lighthorsemen from their saddles. Pen-pushing poltroons are preventing horses from taking part in the Anzac centenary parade in Albany, the embarkation place of many Light Horse, citing safety concerns. To add insult to injury, the Australian Light Horse Association’s West Australian head, Harry Ball, says his group was told the risk of people slipping on dung had contributed to the ban.

Slice of shame

DOWN those mean streets a man must go ... From the Strewth true crime files — or actually from yesterday’s Mosman Daily — comes this tale of the seedy underbelly of Sydney’s north shore. “A group of men were seen naked eating pizza by police after their soccer team failed to score a goal. At about 8.30pm on Saturday police were driving along Spit Road when they saw four men on the sidewalk outside a pizzeria. Three of the men were completely naked. Police were shocked and returned to speak to the group. They ran off when police approached but two of the group were caught and spoken to. They stated they were out celebrating their soccer grand final and because they did not score a goal all season they were required to collect and eat pizza naked.” The four were fined.

Rough justice

MORE true crime, a shocking tale of vigilante justice among the dreaming spires of Oxford, where the local coroner’s court has been told an armed robber died after a bungled jewellery shop raid when members of the public sat on top of him until police arrived. “Clint Townsend stopped breathing when around eight people piled on top of him in a melee at Oxford’s Covered Market,” the London Daily Telegraph reports.

“The 33-year-old, who was wearing motorcycle gear and a helmet, had smashed the window of a jewellery shop repeatedly with a sledgehammer, before wrestling with the store’s manager and owner. Other onlookers then helped to apprehend the robbery suspect as he tried to flee from the scene — sitting on top of him in ‘a big heap’.” Townsend was found to be unconscious and not breathing when the plod arrived. He was rushed to hospital but pronounced dead.

Puff pastry

THE Tasmanian Country Women’s Association has shredded the stereotypes, calling for the legalisation of medicinal marijuana at their annual conference. Strewth suspects a wave of stoner sign-ups will swamp the ladies, drawn by hopes of hash brownie bake-offs.

Just say no

WE close with some health news. E-cigarettes may be more dangerous than the professionals have said. Sky News UK reports a Liverpool man has died after his recharging electronic cigarette exploded, igniting nearby oxygen equipment.

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