Carbon dating

The novel coronavirus hasn’t slowed down the social scene in the Canberra bubble.

Artist Jan Wheeler and Kevin Andrews.

The novel coronavirus hasn’t slowed down the social scene in the Canberra Bubble™, with the ACT Young Liberals hosting a Midwinter Ball at Hotel Realm on Saturday night. Tickets started at $160 for members, with corporate sponsorship tiered from silver, $200, to platinum, $600. Oddly, it was Queensland senator Amanda Stoker’s chief of staff who forked out for premier billing in the dinner program. Strewth hears one individual paid $2600 during the fundraiser for a literal lump of coal from the Carmichael Bravis mine (formerly known as Adani). And no, it wasn’t Scott Morrison. ACT Liberal senator Zed Seselja kicked off the three-course dinner by saying Grace. A dig at Victorian Reason Party leader Fiona Pattern, who wants to replace the state parliament’s 103-year-old Lord’s Prayer tradition with a non-denominational moment of silence. “God is now subject to cancel culture!” Victorian Liberal leader Michael O’Brien cried last week. However, many of the lubricated young conservatives in the room didn’t appear to share Seselja’s passion of the Christ, and jeered “here, here!” throughout. Local Liberal leader Elizabeth Lee was there, as was her TikTok-loving MP Mark Parton, who was booted from parliament last week after he feel fowl of the territory’s code of conduct over a KFC TikTok. The Father of the House Kevin Andrews delivered the keynote speech, potentially one of the 65-year-old’s last as an elected member. South Australian MP Tony Pasin told the crowd that the biggest achievement of Andrews’ 30-year political career was deposing Malcolm Turnbull. One table of Moderates booed. Not his age-defying black hair, affectionate relationship with his cycling mates or the $200 counselling vouchers, that earned him the moniker “Minister for Love” from this august organ? The Liberal luminary was recently surprised with a stunningly lifelike portrait by Jan Wheeler, a local constituent in his Melbourne electorate of Menzies. We’re told Wheeler is quite the prolific artist, having painted more than 200 portraits, which she often donates to charities.

Nats the way

“Being sacked from the ministry is like being alive at your own funeral and listening to the eulogies!” Darren Chester declared. The Nationals MP made a ministry valedictory in parliament last week. It was his first opportunity after being dumped from cabinet and the Veterans Affairs portfolio by new (old) Nationals leader Barnaby Joyce over the July winter break. “Finally, to my wife, Julie and my four children: ministerial responsibility takes hours away from family life, and the biggest benefit of being sacked from cabinet for the second time is that we get to spend more time together in the place we love. I love Gippsland. I’m not going anywhere.”

Darren Chester.

JabSeeker

“This is a race. We are keen to spend to get those vaccination rates up,” NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian said on Sunday. Luckily, her Health Minister, Brad Hazzard, has a few ideas on how to get the yoof to roll up sleeves at the Homebush mass vaccination hub. “We’ve seen our Olympic stars go for gold, we’ve seen the most amazing stars in the Qudos Bank Arena,” Hazzard said. “I think there has been Lana Del Rey, Keith Urban, P!nk, Madonna, you have a chance to go to that stadium next week and lent some gold by getting your first vaccination.” But it was this statement from federal Energy Minister and Time Lord Angus Taylor that caused us to double take. Roll the tape!

2GB host Deb Knight: “The state’s crying out for extra supplies of Pfizer. So where did the, bringing forward, where did they come from?”

Taylor: “Well, they came from the future, we’re bringing them, forward.”

Random thought. Could we put #boomers stickers on our vaccines and get Andrew Gaze and Patty Mills to man our hubs? Worth a try?

— Chief Health Officer, Victoria (@VictorianCHO) August 8, 2021

Croc and awe

Has anyone told Bob Katter about the two soldiers who narrowly survived being death-rolled by a 2.5m crocodile off the coast of Cape York, after one of them stabbed it in the eye? It wasn’t hard to guess how the 76-year-old felt about a Queensland government survey that found the saltwater croc population has grown by 2 per cent since the reptiles were declared a protected species in the 1970s. “They keep quoting a figure that only eight people have been taken in 36 years,” Katter said. “Well no, this relates to only eight people that were ‘seen’ to be taken, but how many people have vanished in the last 40-50 years – I say well over 100. And whilst not all are attributed to crocodile attacks, a lot of them would be.” Showing shades of his 2017 globally celebrated press conference that segued seamlessly and miraculously from same-sex marriage to croc attacks, Katter snapped. “So you don’t need to be Albert Einstein to figure out that if the average female crocodile can have more than 50 babies the numbers will grow and to tell me that there has been a 2 per cent growth in numbers is just insulting my intelligence on a massive scale.” Wait for it. “I will ram it down the throats of the Lilypad Lefties and ringbarking rights, you will have respect for life or you will be condemned as evil.” OK!

Take a pitcher

We’ve oft considered Pauline Hanson the Eric the Eel of Australian politics, and her latest email to One Nations members has confirmed it. “Stubby coolers are quickly becoming a more and more popular novelty gift,” Hanson claimed. “They’re cost effective, memorable and most importantly useful. (Everyone loves a useful gift).” You heard it here first! Someone tell Jacqui Lambie she’s wasting her time slinging $34.95 T-shirts with her face and the slogan “I’ve had a GUTFUL”. Hanson’s bright pink beer cosy screams — “This One’s For The Girls”. Putting aside that the promotional photo features a can of Coke and not a XXXX, One Nation says its stubby is “unashamedly” made in Australia, with a “glued, non-slip, sharkskin base”. Is that legal? At $7 a pop, Hanson will have to sell 11.4 million to match Clive Palmer’s cashed-up election ad blitz. Especially as her pro medicinal cannabis coolers have been slashed to just $3.

A bargain at $7.

Hills hoist

Strewth was delighted to see the sarcasm of Julian Hill extends to his register of interests. The member for Bruce, who co-convenes Labor’s Left faction with Andrew Giles, has declared a DVD of American evangelical preacher Billy Graham called ‘An Extraordinary Journey’. It was given to him by “Jean” at a Dandenong North street stall on June 26. Hill’s official update includes this punchline: “Value: Priceless”. We found it online for $11.99.

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